10) Mickey 17 (2025)
I like Robert Pattinson. I want to like director Bong Joon Ho. Obviously, I'm a science fiction fan. But I just couldn't stand this film. Everything about it annoys me. The story. R-Paz's character. His f**king moronic narration. The girl. The bad guy. That Asian dude. The Hulk. The poster. The message. Toni Collette's disgusting smoothies. That's a giant f**king nope from me on this one.
9) Nosferatu (2024)
I guess you could say that Nosferatu isn't actually a bad film, but I found it excruciatingly dull. And also, haven't we seen enough versions of this exact story? Comparisons to Coppola's delightful Bram Stoker's Dracula are inevitable, and not many films can stand up them to that creative powerhouse of a film. Robert Eggers just doesn't make movies for me. I get why he might appeal to some people, but I spent the entire 132-minute running time of this film wishing I had put the Coppola version on instead.
8) The Alto Knights (2025)
A surprising case of inept filmmaking from the man who brought us several stone-cold classics, but seems to have lost the ability to make good movies. Barry Levinson used to make movies like Rain Man, Sleepers, and Good Morning, Vietnam. Now he creates scenes that look like they were made by a first-time director. And let's not even waste time trying to figure out why anybody on this film thought it was a good idea for Robert De Niro to play both leads. It makes absolutely no sense and adds nothing but confusion to the endeavor.
7) Cleaner (2025)
What a wet noodle of a Die Hard rip-off! Made by the man who rebooted The James Bond franchise not once, but TWICE, both times knocking it out of the park. There's no sign of that talent in this cheap-looking and dumb movie. Not even Daisy Ridley can save this for me. And that should tell you everything you need to know, Mr. Campbell.
6) Ice Road: Vengeance (2025)
The first Ice Road was bad, but it did at least look somewhat like a film. This does not. The effects are so terrible! And the cheap video look is even worse. The story actually isn't all that bad (though it could do with a bit of trimming), but visually this film is on the level of an in-house corporate instruction video, made by Stu from accounting, who shot his cousin's bar mitzvah, so he kinda knows which way the camera should point.
For the record, I'm completely on board with Liam Neeson getting with his almost 30-years-younger co.star - the adorable Fan Bingbing - but could he please do it in a better film? And also, guys, if you're making an Ice Road 3 (or Ic3 Road), you might want to consider including some f**cking ice roads to the story!
5) The Electric State (2025)
Anthony Russo and Joe Russo, the least talented filmmakers working in the $200 million-plus realm at the moment, thought they could make an interesting non-Marvel film. They apparently did not learn their lesson on the equally stupid The Gray Man.
Chris Pratt resembles a slightly less porny alternative to John Holmes. Millie Bobby Brown, despite playing a teenager, looks like a 40-year-old prostitute. Sorry! That was uncalled for. She just looks like she's actually the mother of the character she's supposed to be playing. And that there was a special offer on cheap makeup at Costco.
The story is sh*t. Those robots are just creepy as all hell. And the less said about the nonsensical world-building, the better. And this cost a reported $320 million! Netflix, you're out of your f**king mind.
4) In the Lost Lands (2025)
This is even MORE dull than the soulless Monster Hunter. I hope Paul W.S. Anderson is sending a fruit basket the size of a garage to Paul Thomas Anderson every month, because PTA's insistence on making progressively worse and worse films is the only reason I can still call W.S. "the good Paul Anderson", as I am wont to do. W.S. himself has done nothing to earn that moniker in the last 15 years. This guy COULD actually make movies once. Come back to us, Paul. Make a great movie again. You know, like Resident Evil.
3) A Minecraft Movie (2025)
What can be said about a film like this...? It makes the Battleship movie look sophisticated? I'd rather watch someone play a video game for 117 hours? I wish they had done a Minesweeper movie instead? How about this: it grossed almost a BILLION dollars!? What the f**k is wrong with you people!?
2) 28 Years Later (2025)
Danny Boyle is not a bad filmmaker, but he's prone to bad filmmaking decisions when it comes to this zombie franchise. The choice to shoot the first film, 28 Days Later, on laughably low-res video, because of the damn Dogma vibe that was in vogue at the time, is nothing short of heart-breaking. You'll never know how cruel the world can be, until you've seen a MiniDV-shot film on a 65-inch TV. To some extent that choice made sense at the time. The artistic choices here, however, are baffling.
Why shoot the film, on consumer-level iPhones? Why those incredibly awkward visual choices that just didn't work? Why those goofy cosplay characters (that apparently get more screen time in the next film)? Why the giant zombie schlong? And on top of all that, the story was underwhelming at best, and very rarely scary or dramatic enough.
1) One Battle After Another (2025)
Without a doubt THE most insufferable movie of the year. The grotesquely bloated 160-minute running time isn't even the worst part. Whatever message the film may have about the current state of the world, and America in particular, is suffocated by the cartoonish Leonardo DiCaprio performance, the film's obnoxious lack of tonal commitment, and Sean Penn's ridiculous villain, whose every second of screen time is more annoying than the last. Oh, and the core story is also just bad.
Kindly f**k off, Paul Thomas Anderson. And don't bother us again until you're ready to make something that's actually watchable and entertaining. And under two hours. You know, like Resident Evil.
WRAP-UP
We made it! That last one nearly did me in. Keep that in mind when it wins a gazillion Oscars. Or in three years when everybody wakes up from their collective hangover, and realize what a piece of sh*t it really is. Can't wait for that! But enough badness. Time for some goodness.... Next up, the top list.
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