Recently I was cleaning out my closet and I came across my old LaserDisc collection (Yes, I’ve still got them. No, they are not properly displayed) and I came across this gem:
It got me thinking about the things we still don't have as we prepare to leave 2018.
No The Abyss in HD
We still don't have a Blu-ray release of The Abyss! We don't even have a proper DVD! And we certainly don't have a nice shiny brand new 4K scan! James Cameron needs to pull his head out of his ass and make this his top priority. Understand this, James Cameron: We don't give a flying FUCK about more Avatar movies, the first one was embarrassing enough, we don't really need or want any sequels. Yeah, I know, there are tons of rumors saying that The Abyss is right on the verge of coming out on Blu-ray, but we're finishing up 2018, and it's not here yet, so fuck you, Cameron. Fuck you and the mo-capped horse you rode in on. Get back to work and stop wasting our time.
No Star Wars in HD
And speaking of things we still don't have...
There are fans out there who have gotten hold of a print of Star Wars. A proper celluloid, 1977 theatrical version print. They scanned the material into a computer themselves. They meticulously cleaned it up. And then they uploaded it to the internet. All this is of course completely illegal, so why did they do it? So that all Star Wars fans can enjoy the film as it was originally intended! With the original dodgy optical work, without those silly Lucas additions. The proper 1977 version. Why are they forced to do this? Because the powers that be STILL haven't pulled their collective heads out of their asses and given Star Wars a proper HD release.
That's right! We can't get the PROPER, ORIGINAL version of the film that started the most influential and awesome film franchise in the galaxy. First Lucas though he could do whatever he wanted with the Star Wars movies (he was mistaken). Now Disney can't get their act together and get shit done (partially because of legal issues, I believe). And meanwhile all the proper Star Wars fans are screaming, begging, hoping for a breakthrough. We just want OUR movie, in the version we fell in love with originally.
No indie in HD
Which brings me to another bone of contention: VOD releases. I love coming across tiny indie films on the VOD platforms. I love discovering gems I have zero information about before I watch them. But then, when I'm done watching them, and realize how awesome they are, I want them on Blu-ray. I want them on my shelves in HD. That is apparently a tall order.
So many VOD releases are never subsequently released on physical media. And sidebar: Real men watch discs. So do real women. If you only stream, you are a cockroach and you should die (too much? I can never tell). Anyway, proper film geeks who aren't lazy, troll-like bags of shit (I went over the top again, didn't I?) want to buy the films they love and have them on their freakin' shelves. Is that so difficult to understand? The worst part is, when those VOD releases do come out on physical media, it's often only on DVD! Well that's just straight up abuse! That's high treason, that’s what that is!
WRAP-UP
In the big scheme of things, mere mortal film-geeks' wishes may seem entirely inconsequential... if you are a mentally impaired douchebag, of course. NOTHING is more important than film-geeks and what we want. Listen, moronic studio bosses who control all this stuff... That leather chair you're sitting in? WE paid for that! We paid for your luxury car, your fancy house. Take a look at your wife. Yeah, we paid for THOSE too. You owe us EVERYTHING. And now we're here to collect. 2018 left us with very little patience. We may have traded our horse and carriage for a smartphone, but we kept our pitchforks. Get. This. Done.