So that happened

I think it's safe to say that 2020 has secured a prominent place in the history books. I won't bore anybody with a recap of all the things that went wrong, this is a day for looking forward. Like to the day when The Dump Trump finally chokes on a Big Mac and dies an agonizing death in front a roomful of spineless enablers, who watch in eerie silence, as they realize the moment they've waited so long for is finally here. But I digress.

For a few years now I've had a tradition where I watch Interstellar on the last movie night of the year. That's the 30th, of course, since the 31st is reserved for other things. This year, I felt like watching something else. I felt like watching All the President's Men (1976). It seemed especially fitting to watch this film, this year. After all it's a story about how two reporters, Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, took down the most powerful man in the world with a simple weapon: The truth.

So much could be said about All the President's Men, but I'll keep it simple.

This film should not work. It deals with investigative reporters who spend half time on phones, the other half typing. And yet, this is a stone cold masterpiece. A story where the heroes are armed with only pens and paper, and where the villains are never seen, save for a bit of stock footage. It's nothing short of astonishing. The fact that this film manages to feel as relevant as ever today, is also astonishing. Or perhaps depressing. No, let's go with astonishing.

Like I said, I'll keep it simple, so I'll highlight 3 moments from the movie, in dialogue.

1) This observation from Deep Throat, aka Mark Felt, seemed especially pertinent, in light of the last four years:

"Forget the myths the media's created about the White House. The truth is, these are not very bright guys, and things got out of hand."

2) I love this exchange between managing editor Howard Simons and reporter Bob Woodward:

Simons: "Did you call the White House press office?"

Woodward: "I went over there; I talked to them. They said Hunt hadn't worked there for three months. Then a PR guy said this weird thing to me. He said, 'I am convinced that neither Mr. Colson nor anyone else at the White House had any knowledge of, or participation in, this deplorable incident at the Democratic National Committee.'"

Simons: "Isn't that what you expect them to say?"

Woodward: "Absolutely."

Howard Simons: "So?"

Woodward: "I never asked about Watergate. I simply asked what were Hunt's duties at the White House. They volunteered he was innocent when nobody asked if he was guilty."

Simons: "Be careful how you write it."

3) And finally, there's executive editor Ben Bradlee's last speech to the boys:

"You know the results of the latest Gallup Poll? Half the country never even heard of the word Watergate. Nobody gives a shit. You guys are probably pretty tired, right? Well, you should be. Go on home, get a nice hot bath. Rest up... 15 minutes. Then get your asses back in gear. We're under a lot of pressure, you know, and you put us there. Nothing's riding on this except the, first amendment to the Constitution, freedom of the press, and maybe the future of the country. Not that any of that matters, but if you guys fuck up again, I'm going to get mad."

I can't capture in simple text just how riveting this movie is, so if for some odd reason you haven't seen it, you'll just have to take my word for it and get on with it.

Of course All the President's Men should have cleaned up at the Oscars in 1976, but this was a particularly strong year, so it didn't. It was competing against Taxi Driver and Network. Think about THAT trio for a second. All the President's Men. Taxi Driver. Network. Did 1976 just look 44 years into the future, straight into our soul?

Depressingly Rocky took the top Oscars that year, a fact that grows more and more embarrassing with every year. Don't get me wrong, Rocky is a cute little film, but next to these timeless masterpieces it comes off as finger painting.

Rewatching All the President's Men, in light of 2020, in light of the orange fucktard, in light of The Rona, and the inept work from contemporary journalists, I'm both encouraged and scared. If we pull ourselves together we CAN right this ship. But we do need to fucking pull ourselves together.

So stay safe. Wear a mask. Don't be a dick. And hopefully in a year, the world will be in a better shape.

Quick Take: Monsters of Man (2020)

Director: Mark Toia. Starring: Neal McDonough, Brett Tutor, Jose Rosete, David Haverty. Release: VOD.

A test of military robots in the jungles of Cambodia turns into a bloodbath, when everything goes haywire. The mission was intended to take out a band of local drugdealers, but a group of random doctors and a former SEAL soldier find themselves caught in the crossfire. Meanwhile a trio of techs monitoring the mission remotely are horrified when the operation escalates way past the original brief. The whole thing turns into a colossal shitshow as they start to lose control of the high tech military hardware.

What a strange duck this is. There are some interesting ideas in Monsters of Man. At its best the movie is both intriguing and engaging. Often, though, it slips into a territory occupied by low budget direct-to-video films or fan films made in a garage. Also, at 132 minutes this is at least 40 minutes too long. So much so that they start to play the end credits over the final scenes of the film!

Speaking of the credits, take a closer look at those for a bonus laugh. Director Mark Toia manages to credit himself about 18 times, and apparently it took two people to cast the sole well known name in the cast, Neal McDonough.

Still, the movie looks professional, especially the robots, it's surprising brutal at times, and the acting is serviceable, if you forgive a handful of cringeworthy moments. All in all, not the worst direct-to-video film you could stumble across.

Quick Take: The Tax Collector (2020)

Director: David Ayer. Starring: Bobby Soto, Shia LaBeouf, George Lopez, Cinthya Carmona, Jose Conejo Martin. Release: VOD.

Veteran filmmaker and apparently gangsta-wannabe David Ayer follows up on his contributions to Training Day and Harsh Times with this L.A.-based Latino gang story.

David (Bobby Soto) is in charge of collecting taxes from the local gangs on behalf of an incarcerated boss, with his trusty - possibly psychotic - enforcer Creeper (Shia LaBeouf) by his side. One day a rival shows up to challenge David's boss and he gets caught in the middle.

You wouldn't think if was possible for a man of David Ayer's talents to create a film as trivial as this. This film has absolutely nothing to say, and certainly no interesting way of saying it. It's a painfully predictable parade of every lackluster direct-to-video gangster film cliché you can think of, but at least it never feels authentic for a second.

Even the always watchable Shia LaBeouf doesn't get to do much with his intriguing, but underused character, despite sucking up all the attention in every scene he's in. "I got a .38 on each ankle, .38 on my right, .25 on my left, chopper in the trunk, lockin' my belt, I'm on it" he barks with a ferocious authority, and for a moment you think this film has a chance. Then Shia looks deep into the eyes of unlikable lead Bobby Soto and says, "I'll ride with you till the wheels fall off!" and then you suddenly remember David Ayer also wrote The Fast & The Furious.

Quick Take: The Rhythm Section (2020)

Director: Reed Morano. Starring: Blake Lively, Jude Law, Sterling K. Brown. Release: VOD.

Coming across like Nikita by way of Jason Bourne, this franchise-killing revenge spy movie, has neither the ferocity, the narrative clarity, or the emotional impact of either of these movies or any of the countless other movies it so desperately wants to imitate.

Blake Lively stars as a woman destroyed by the loss of her family, who suddenly gets a chance for revenge when she receives information that the fatal plane crash that caused her loss was a deliberate act of terror. Unfortunately the character's trajectory from broken woman, to inexperience killer, to hardcore assassin will be painfully predictable to anyone with even a passing knowledge of the genre.

The central revenge plot never really works, and it doesn't take long before the film starts to overcomplicate its simple premise with an international spy story that somehow manages to be less thrilling than Red Sparrow and less believable than Johnny English. The kind of spy story where every twist or revelation comes with a shrug and an "okay then" from the viewer, because you have nothing invested in the lead character or her journey.

Still, a movie can get away with a lot as long as it's got moxie or star power. Unfortunately, despite her obvious talents the likeable Blake Lively just can't seem to breathe any life into the moody and unlikable character. "I've got nothing to lose," the would-be assassin says at one point. After watching this film, you'll know exactly how true that is.

Quick Take: Bloodshot (2020)

Director: Dave Wilson. Starring: Vin Diesel, Eiza González, Guy Pearce, Lamorne Morris, Talulah Riley. Release: VOD.

Vin Diesel returns, as lukewarm as ever, as desperate as ever, trying to start yet another franchise, but unable to bring anything new to the table. It least he's consistent.

Bloodshot is a super-soldier story, and we've seen it a million times before. The first 45 minutes are excruciatingly predictable, basically a stone cold rip-off of RoboCop. Then the film pulls out its ace and the story takes a dramatic turn. Unfortunately that makes the everything that came before more or less irrelevant and makes you feel a bit like a fool for watching so far. The film culminates in a ridiculous, fake-looking fight between some CGI doubles and then you'll really feel like a fool for not having bailed sooner.

It's hard to imagine this is the start of a long-running franchise. It's just too dull and dumb. Then again, I said the exact same thing about The Fast & The Furious. That was eight movies ago and counting. I'll grant Bloodshot one ting: It's a little less obnoxious that other similar Diesel film, but that still doesn't mean it's any good.

Quick Take: Charlie's Angels (2019)

Director: Elizabeth Banks. Starring: Kristen Stewart, Naomi Scott, Ella Balinska, Elizabeth Banks, Patrick Stewart, Djimon Hounsou. Release: VOD.

Time for another reboot of Charlie's Angels, a concept that frankly wasn't all that great to begin with. At least the original show had some hot babes, and the McG movies from 2000/2003 had a spirited, energetic approach. This version has neither.

The plot is dull and overly familiar and the film often gets caught up in lengthly expositions. And what is the plot? Some barely memorable nonsense about a high tech weapon. We have twelve Mission: Impossible films about that, thank you very much.

The effects look cheap, the fightscenes are badly edited, and there isn't a single memorable set-piece. Generally the film just seems weirdly detached from its own mission. No one here seems to have much fun making this. Well, except for - surprise, surprise - the often surly Stewart! She's created a delightfully off-center character, with weird mannerism and a crooked smile. She seems to get the tone right. Even if everyone else around her doesn’t.

And finally, although I applaud giving the reigns of this franchise to a female director, resulting in less fetishizing of the lead characters' bodies, I could do without the crass man-hating tone that also runs throughout the film.

Quick Take: The Navigator (1924)

Directors: Donald Crisp, Buster Keaton. Starring: Buster Keaton, Kathryn McGuire. Release: Blu-ray.

I know these are dark times. I also know it can sometimes be hard to pull yourself together and watch a black and white silent film from 1924.. But trust me on the this: You won't regret checking out The Navigator.

Buster Keaton plays a man who prematurely books a honeymoon cruise, only to end up adrift at sea on the ship with the very same girl who turned down his proposal. They're both spoiled and clueless rich folks, so they're in for quite an ordeal as they try to survive alone on the enormous boat.

I like the premise right off the bat. It seems ripe with opportunities, the kind of crazy antics and daredevil stunts Keaton is so famous for. And sure enough. Keaton find comedy everywhere. In everything from cooking breakfast, to finding a quiet place to sleep, to fixing a leak in the ship by breaking out a diving suit. The ship is attacked by cannibals (they're chased off using fireworks, since you ask), there's a sword fight, with a sword fish, and there are countless other inventive and amazing gags I won't spoil here.

This is not a laugh-out-loud kinda film, but the kind that generate a delightful non-stop chuckle from start to finish. The casual sight-gag humor is utterly delightful, and the elaborate stunt-action sequences impress even today. And best of all: It's all over in an hour! I guarantee you'll find it more delightful than any hour of almost any modern blockbuster.