INT. IGLOO - DAWN
Summer is here. Some morons like sweating and getting burned, while their brains are slowly boiling, preventing any rational thought. Instead the rest of us can retreat to the dark dungeon of the TV-room and cool off with some cool movies.
So without further ado, this is my list of the coolest cool movies...
TOP 10 COOL MOVIES
1) Whiteout (2009)
This is a spectacularly sh*tty movie, however, it all takes place in Antarctica. For a tour de force of everything this beautiful region has to offer, look no further! The titular weather phenomenon is pretty cool, but the best moment is when our heroine loses two of her fingers to the cold, just because she takes off her glove for a moment! That's how freakin' cold this movie is!
2) The Day After Tomorrow (2004)
Oh man, THIS is the sh*t. The whole WORLD freezes over! A new ice age is coming! How can you beat that? This is a multi-million dollar feast of outrageous weather. Hurricanes, storms, tornadoes, super-freezing winds, floods! It's damn near biblical! My favorite scene is the one where the helicopters freeze mid-air, because of a super-cool storm! The only reason this isn't at the top of the list: The "bad" weather ends...
3) The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
The cold sensation in our hearts at the end of this film is easily matched by the opening, which takes place on a freakin' ice planet! Battle in the snow, snow creatures, snow everywhere! Point of curiosity: How did the snow creature manage to freeze Luke into the ceiling, while he's hanging upside down? I'm only asking because I would like to pull that stunt on a few friends who like the sun a little too much.
4) The Thing (1982)
Most of this film takes place within the confines of a small research facility on Antarctica, which is why it's not no. 1. But besides that it's every bit as cold and isolated as Whiteout, plus it's got a sinister shape-shifting monster, and some really gross makeup effects! The cool thing about this creature is that even if everything, including itself, freezes to death, it still wins. It's almost like the thing is a kindred spirit to me.
5) Eight Below (2006)
Okay, so this is a Disney film for the whole family. It stars Paul Walker. And some dogs. Yeah, I know, not much to recommend it, but stay with me. The film follows Paul Walker as he roams the Antarctic with a dog sled. Then the weather becomes SO BAD (or good, as it were) that he has to go home, and then we follow the dogs by themselves, as they struggle to stay alive alone. In other words: Plenty of great weather, and since we're mostly dealing with dogs, there's not an awful lot of talk to ruin our enjoyment.
6) Dead Snow aka Død snø (2009)
This horror movie takes place in a snow-covered mountain region of Norway. A bunch of innocent skiers are attacked by living dead soldiers from The Third Reich. Nazi zombies are, needless to say, a major drawback, but don't write this experience off yet. Right up until the moment they pull your arms off, and eat you alive, you can enjoy the beautiful white landscapes, without a care in the world.
7) Antarctic Journal aka Namgeuk-ilgi (2005)
Turns out that horror movies in particular love the Antarctic! This film follows a team from Korea in their attempt to reach the so-called "Antarctic Point of Inaccessibility" the most difficult place to reach on Earth. Usual expedition troubles ensues, but then the team finds an old journal from a British expedition 80 years ago, which oddly mirrors their own experiences... Freaky!
8) Ice Age (2002)
Computer animated movies for kids featuring fluffy animals are, by their very nature, not particularly cool, but this one warms (actually cools) my heart. I can't imagine anything more fun that walking through 5 feet of snow with a few good friends. Then of course there's the fact that we're in the middle of an ice age, which is excellent all by itself! I like that we try to make kids appreciate ice and snow at a very early age. It's a good trend.
9) The Last Winter (2006)
Another great little horror movie! This time we're in Alaska. Global warming is causing the temperature to rise dramatically in the cold regions of the Earth, but what happens when water that has been frozen for millions of years is suddenly thawed? What horrors will be unleashed upon the world? This is another good reason why we should explore methods to induce a new ice age! I mean, all this heat is just too risky. Plus in an Ice Age the first ones to go will be those lazy bums who enjoy lying on the beach while their brains evaporate. It's a good idea to thin the herd like that every now and then.
10) Die Another Day (2002)
Not really relevant for this list, until the last act of the story, which takes place in Iceland in a palace, BUILT out of ice! That's right! The whole thing is just ice! How do you do that sh*t? So cool! And we're in Iceland! The ice is right there in the name of the land! There's also an invisible car, but I feel like maybe I shouldn't mention that.
Since I haven't seen Frozen (2010) yet, I can't really include that, but I'm betting it will be spectacular! Then there's Snow Falling on Cedars (1999). There's snow! It's falling! Awesome!
I also love the icy third act of The Shining (1980), and Cliffhanger (1993) was suggested by my buddy Dennis. Die Hard 2 (1990) is very cool, but too much of it takes place in a warm airport. Runaway Train (1985) was featured on a previous list, but could have made the cut as well.
Finally, if you still have trouble staying cool, check out a few selected episodes from the fantastic Survivorman TV series. In episode "1.08: Plane Crash" Survivorman Les Stroud simulates crashing with a small plane in snow-covered Northern Ontario. Or check out episode "2.03: Labrador", where he attempts to dog sled his way through the forests of Labrador in the middle of the freezing winter. That is sooooooo cool.
Alright, fair enough, I admit this was another silly and pointless list, but no one stands up to defend cold weather.
Who the hell decided that warm, disgusting, crappy weather should be called "good weather", while beautiful snow, rain, and sub-zero temperatures are referred to as "bad weather"? I sure as sh*t didn't vote for that. Honestly, I think it makes more sense if we switch it around.
"Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow..."
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