INT. DEATH STAR - AFTERNOON
I'm a film geek, I fully admit this. I watch a fair amount of movies, in fact, there are very few movies I don't watch - of a certain quality that is.
Still, there are a few movies I just can't bring myself to watch. It's not like "oh, I don't really care about that movie." No, what I'm talking about are movies I've made a conscious decision about not watching. If they're on TV I'll change the channel. If someone gives me the DVD I'll throw it out.
This is my top 10 of movies that repel me so much I refuse to see them. "But You can't judge a movie you haven't seen yet!" I hear you protest. I can't? Well, watch this...
THE TOP 10 LIST
1) The Color Purple (1985)
I love Steven Spielberg, almost more than life itself. However, I'm not prepared to watch this pitiful plea for an Oscar. I don't care about these people and their tough lives, I just don't. Plus, no offence, shouldn't this have been directed by a black guy? Kind of like the way it was appropriate that a Jew tackled the Schindler's List film, know what I mean? And with both Whoopi Goldberg and Oprah Winfrey in the cast, this is almost as bad as it gets. The only thing that could make it worse, is Ashton Kutcher.
2) Ken Park (2002)
Some filmmakers just disgust you. Their sheer existence makes you want to shower. Harmony Korine is one of those guys. Now, I've never seen any of his films and I don't really care if they're good. I don't want to watch the kind of stories he tells. Period. The same way I don't want to watch kiddie p0rn, paint drying or football. Now, I know I don't have to watch these films, this is my prerogative, but it would really make me happy if we could make sure Mr. Korine doesn't even make them. Can we do that?
3) Rushmore (1998)
Another one of my most loathed directors is Wes Anderson. Every movie he makes looks stupid. Stupid stories, stupid characters, stupid costumes, stupid actors with stupid faces. Rushmore may have been a "cult favorite" (whatever the hell that means), but I detest the idea of this film. I can't even get past the poster! I get mad, just looking at it. I really hope Wes Anderson decides that figure skating is really where his true talents lie.
4) The Polar Express (2004)
Of course every stupid Mo-Cap movie should be on this list, but unfortunately I've already seen several of them. They ALL look freaky, but The Polar Express (2004) looks more freaky than the rest. If I had seen this as a kid it would have scared me more than Den store Bastian (LINK: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Struwwelpeter).
Plus, what's the story here? A train travels to a destination... And that's it? That not a story, it's barely an idea! It's not even a tagline! What's next?! The Ball (a story about a ball, lying on an empty playground), or what about The Parked Car (go on, guess what that's about!)? Jeezus effing Christ! And how much did this "masterpiece" cost? $165 million!
5) Shrek the Third (2007)
I did see Shrek. Hated it. Stupid, bad, and utterly unfunny. And the animation style is so bloody awful! So why did I see Shrek 2, you ask? No idea! I just know it was worse. So that's it! I'm not going to watch the third or fourth entry, or any of the numerous spin-offs we'll undoubtedly get. Or the TV show. Or the reboot. Enough is enough. Die lame Shrek, die.
6) A Good Year (2006)
I just can't wrap my head around this film. Ridley Scott did freakin' Alien (1979) and Blade Runner (1982)! Forgetting the fact that his last good film was Black Rain (1989), how does a man who made those movies decide to do A Good Year (2006)? And what about Russell Crowe? This guy had talent once, just watch films like The Insider (1999), L.A. Confidential (1997), and even The Quick and the Dead (1995) (no, I'm not counting Gladiator (2000), because it sucks). He was cool once. And then he did a wine film! This is every shade of wrong.
7) Meet the Parents (2000)
Now, I'm rather picky about my comedies. I need zany comedy! I need films full of absurd ideas - but I need cleverness as well. Like Monty Python!
This stupid, crass, utterly unfunny piece of trash is one of the most successful modern comedies, which is why I've included it here. In all fairness I could have included any number of modern comedies, like: Hitch (2005), There's Something About Mary (1998), any spoof movie, and most Adam Sandler movies. They just aren't funny. At all. Stop making them, idiots!
8) 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)
I did see the first The Fast and the Furious film. That was enough. I come across my share of bad and incompetent films, but I can't remember the last time I felt as offended by a movie's lack of intelligence, as I did during FF1. I vowed never to see another stinking entry in this horrible franchise. And if you know how much I like Michelle Rodriguez and Jordana Brewster, you'll know just how serious that is.
There's also that stupid title, which have forced me to refer to every subsequent movie in a similar fashion... You know, 3 Fast 3 Furious, 4 Fast 4 Furious... Stupid!
9) Cars (2006)
I haven't exactly appreciated the earlier Pixar films. They're alright, I guess, they just bore me. Cars falls into a completely separate category for me. I loathe it. Talking cars aren't funny! If a car talks, it better look like freaking K.I.T.T., and if it doesn't I'd prefer if it just shut the hell up! Besides, any movie where the lead character "finds the true meaning of friendship and family" should be burned, or buried in a deep hole and covered with wombat pooh.
10) The Simpsons Movie (2007)
I loathe The Simpsons. I want to jump into the screen and strangle every damn character on that show, and yes I realize they are animated. They're all so damn stupid, but our "hero" Homer is the most stupid of them all. I don't get why people think this is funny, you can see every joke coming a mile away. Every stupid Homer reaction is so predictable. So no, I'm not gonna watch the feature film, and honestly I feel like punching anyone who likes it.
I hate when people say, "You have to try everything once!" Really? You think so? Then jump out in front of a bus! Go on! Try it once, I dare you! Or how about this classic bit of parenting, "How will you know you don't like it, unless you eat it?" Here's the thing... I knew that pile of green sludge my parents served me would taste horrible, I really didn't have to try it!
Same thing goes for movies.
They make so many movies each year, I don't have time to watch them all, so I have to pick and chose. I reserve the right to judge and reject movies based on little or no information. We judge things on sight every damn day, why should movies be any different?
These are the films that have been judged by me. And there is no appeal.
CUT TO BLACK.