As always, we start with the worst.
THE LIST
20) The Old Guard
Charlize Theron should have signed up for Mad Max: Fury Road 2 instead of this strangely unambitious, overly familiar, big bummer of a film. It does nothing interesting with it's well-worn premise, it looks like any other lackluster Hollywood film, but most frustratingly, it's just not fun to watch.
19) Artemis Fowl
I love Kenneth Branagh, but I wish he'd stay away from these soulless big budget effect movies. Having said that, this doesn't seem all that big budget. It's got a lot of flashy effects, but the plot is basically a simple "find a thingy"-plot - the kind the Marvel movies have already worn thin - and most of the movie takes place in a single house. I guess you could live with that if the film at least worked as a good introduction to the title character, but no. This Artemis Fowl is not a "12 year-old criminal mastermind", as described by the books. He's an unlikable, cocky, little shit, played rather unconvincingly by newcomer Ferdia Shaw.
Corona got the blame for the cancelled theatrical release of this film, but I wonder if everybody at Disney wasn't secretly relieved, when they could just dump this on their streaming service and forget about all about it?
18) Charlie's Angels
Another dull and unnecessary attempt to turn the "classic" TV show into a movie franchise. The film looks cheap, it's completely devoid of set-pieces and the only one who appears to be having a good time is - surprisingly enough - Kristen Stewart. I'll have what she's having. And I wish everybody else in front of and behind the camera would O.D. on the same stuff.
17) The New Mutants
I actually wanted to like this movie. A small scale, teen-oriented X-Men film, with a horror bend seemed like a good idea. Turns out: It wasn't.
16) Train to Busan present: Peninsula
I didn't love the first Train to Busan as many did, though I get why everybody seem to fall for it. It did have some solid moves.
At first, this sequel also appears to have some solid moves, but soon the problems reveal themselves. It sets itself up to be a zombie heist movie. The it forgets about the heist. And sometimes also the zombies. The characters are bland, there's no sense of urgency, it's not exciting, or scary, or interesting. I was hoping for Escape from New York with Zombies. This is more like Escape from LA with no zombies.
15) Terminator: Dark Fate
It's time to terminate the Terminator franchise for good. I love Terminator 2. I'm one of the few people who loved Terminator 3 as well, but let's get real for a second. There should really only ever have been ONE Terminator movie. We're now on number..... 6?!
This convoluted reboot, retcon, rehash is so painfully uninspired every step of the way that it quickly feels like nobody really wanted to make it. So why did they? No, don't say money - if they had wanted to score a big payday on that $200 million investment, they would never have turned in such an ugly, unmemorable, and unnecessary piece of shit. Even the spectacular return of Linda Hamilton couldn't save this. She deserves so much better. As do we, needless to say.
14) Da 5 Bloods
What an obnoxious and punchable film. Par for the course for Spike Lee, then!
This clumsy, unsatisfying Vietnam War story and wannabe heist movie fumbles the history lesson, the heist part and even fails on the most rudimentary level (the basic mission is simply impossible). Technical merits are questionable, the direction is sloppy and Spike Lee seems clueless about his own shortcomings, and the myriad of other problems on deck. Ironically, especially considering this film, Lee has a Trump-ish streak, where everybody who dares to question him must be 100% wrong. That probably explains why this and other of his recent films turn out as shoddy as they do.
13) Ma Rainey's Black Bottom
Make no mistake about it, this is THE most classy film on this list, and it will most likely win a couple of Oscar. That doesn't mean it's any good.
I had looked forward to Ma Rainey's Black Bottom! I though I was going to see a complex period piece about black musicians struggling in a cold, hard, white business eager to exploit their talents, but less eager to pay the musicians their dues. What I got instead was a short, filmed play, with two or three interesting, awkward speeches, but no sense of an organic narrative or a layered portrayal of the period. A huge disappointment.
12) The Rhythm Section
I love when women take the lead in action movies and thrillers, and Blake Lively seemed the perfect choice to head up this potentially franchise-starting revenge-spy movie. Unfortunately it turned out to be a dull mess that only made me want to rewatch Nikita and Taken. They should have saved that cool title for a better story.
11) Bloodshot
Stop it Vin. Please just stop it. Stick to the Fast & Furious movies. Stop trying to start more franchises. Just stop it.
10) The Complex Lockdown
I checked this out on a whim, because I've got a thing for Michelle Mylett who plays the lead. There's an interesting core in the story, but at some point the film fumbles the ball and turns into a groan inducing direct-to-video amateur bore. I still got a thing for Michelle Mylett, but I won't make the mistake of watching THIS film again!
9) The Craft: Legacy
I get it. Take a great 90's movie, update it, modernize it a bit. That makes sense. I'd even go so far as to say The Craft (1996) is one of those movies that could be improved - it's got quite a few scenes and plotlines that haven't stood the test of time.
This remake, reboot, sequel or whatever it is, is baffling, though. It completely fails to establish the most basic parts of the story, it ruins the core concept, where witchcraft gives courage to the disenfranchised. It can't even put together a decent soundtrack. In every imaginable way this is inferior to the original film. And the less said about the painfully awkward attempts to be woke the better.
8) Force of Nature
A heist under the cover of bad weather? Yes! Could it be that we've found this year's Hurricane Heist? Nope. Force of Nature failed to deliver on its promise, despite a decent cast and better than average direct-to-video production value. Watch that 1999 Sandra Bullock film instead.
7) The Tax Collector
If it wasn't for the slick production value and a fully committed Shia LaBeouf, this would look like any other dime a dozen cheap direct-to-video "gangsta" film. Yes, we get it David Ayer, you desperately want to be cool and have street cred! First step would be: Don't make shitty films like this. That is so NOT gangsta!
6) Valhalla
It pains me a little bit to put this on the bottom list, because I know a few of the people involved in the project, but this film just didn't work. The budget is far too low to properly tell a story on the scale the Old Norse myths deserve. Some of the stylistic choices are highly questionable, and the young lead actors fail to convince on any level. Also, I'm not sure how anyone can follow the shoddy plot, unless they already know the old stories. Which of course is another problem: Everybody knows the old stories, because there's already a highly popular animated classic, which covers the same material.
Valhalla should have been a bright, breathtaking adventure, instead of this muddy, moody and claustrophobic mess.
5) The Doorman
I had to check and recheck. No, it's true, this inept Die Hard ripoff is directed by Ryûhei Kitamura. He's usually a competent director, but you wouldn't know it, based on this embarrassment. The film often looks like a cheap video production, assembled by amateurs. Lead actress Ruby Rose's already limited acting abilities are further hampered by the feeling that she's not really present in any of her scenes. A hopeless bore. If you HAD to watch a Die Hard ripoff you could be much better. It's hard to do worse.
4) The Pale Door
A western, horror movie? Yes! SO much yes! A train robbery results in the theft of a locked box, but when it's opened the content is not gold, but a young innocent (right!) girl! Color me intrigued! Unfortunately it very quickly becomes apparent that this low-budget production will not provide a solid foundation for that story. If the cheap video-look didn't give it away, the amateur actors, laughable locations, and other assorted oddities will. The basic pitch could have worked, but this is too cheap and too inept to get anywhere near that potential.
3) Money Plane
A descent heist movie idea laughably executed. You want an airport check-in terminal? I got you! Here's a blue curtain and a lamp. That's the level of filmmaking here. I could almost forgive how cheap the film looks if it actually delivered on the central heist idea, but it turns out that idea only provides about 5-10 minutes of screentime. The rest of the 82 minute running time is spent waiting for something to happen, and laughing at the utter incompetence of everything is this film. Money Plane can't even get through a scene where a guy cooks spaghetti in a realistic manner. For real.
2) Breach
This is just straight up shitty filmmaking. A script that doesn't make any sense and lacks any consistency from one scene to the next. Production value on the level of a 1st grade school play. Devoid of any discernible filmmaking skills. On some level this would be really funny, if it wasn't so painfully bad.
1) Cats
How could you NOT put Cats at the top of the Bottom list? This grotesque misfire barely qualifies as a movie. Never mind the fact that Cats, the musical, is already an inept piece of trash, which owes its entire legacy to a single song. On top of that this film looks SO bad and is SO awful, you really have to see it to believe it.
Director Tom Hooper's sanity was already in question, now we know for sure. That man needs to be locked up. Just look at the way he uses wide-angle lenses. He's a savage and he must be stopped.
WRAP-UP
That's it what a CATastrophe, huh? Oh well, luckily 2020 had some good films too. We'll get to those next.
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