Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

IT'S THE ONE WHERE

James Bond kills Blofeld in the opening sequence, but we all know he's not really dead. After this, Bond investigates a diamond smuggling ring.

Of course Bond flirts with Moneypenny, the secretary, he nails every broad with a pulse, including Tiffany Case, a feisty redhead with big breasts, and the equally well-endowed Plenty O'Toole. Actually, he doesn't get to nail that last one, because she's thrown out of a window. Bond also makes out with himself in public.

THE SECRET PLOT TO RULE THE WORLD AWARD GOES TO...

...Yawn! Blofeld again. Turns out he's the one behind the diamond smuggling, using a secluded millionaire and his casino as a front. Meanwhile two cartoonish henchmen, Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint, run around and kill everybody. Not sure they want world domination, though. Not really sure who they're working for, actually.

REVIEW

Oh dear... Where to begin on this one?

Diamonds Are Forever is an awful film, in every sense of the word. A stupid, boring, inelegant mess. Sure, Sean Connery is back - despite quitting the series after film number 5 - but he looks old and tired.

The story sends James Bond out on the sort of mission the guys from Mission: Impossible have been dealing with for 5 years. More efficiently, I might add. Bond, who presumably is one of the most skilled secret agents, should not be chasing a mere diamond smuggler. A fact he even mentions himself! Of course, the plot eventually turns out to involve Blofeld and world domination, but they don't know that up front. And the link between Blofeld and the diamonds is just pathetic, and makes little sense.

The problems of this film becomes very clear, when we're introduced to two ridiculous bad guys early in the film, who insists on saying each other's names in EVERY sentence. They look like a pair of mismatched comedians from a Saturday morning TV show for kids. Even Blofeld is reduced to a clown. At one point he dresses up like an old lady, with lipstick and everything, to evade capture. Appalling. The stupid behavior of the characters is matched by the overall acting quality, which reaches almost offensive levels, but I guess that goes well together with the cartoonish plot that sees Bond run around like Benny Hill, with action scenes straight out of Cannonball Run.

Let me just give one example of this: At one point Bond stumbles through a research facility and comes across a moon set, where astronauts seem to practice working on the moon. Why they would do this on what appears to be a completely ordinary cardboard set, with no similarities to actual moon conditions, is beyond me. When the astronauts see Bond they begin to chase him while moving in slow-motion, as if they were on the moon, while the regular guards chase him at normal speed. Why? Why, why, why?

The stupidity continues when Bond is once again almost killed by an array of random people. A diamond smuggler, a guard, and a few others. Plus he's beaten to a pulp by TWO GIRLS!

Bond has always been incompetent, but I never expected to see him looking like he just wants to be put out of his misery. Alas, although this is Sean Connery's last official 007 movie, he would return to the role 12 years later, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Diamonds Are Forever is, without a doubt, the weakest Bond film so far. It's so inept that I almost suspect the producers were actively trying to kill off the franchise. Where that leaves the next 14 years of Bond featuring Roger Moore, by comparison, I'm not sure.