Bottom 25 of 2016

Remember back in the beginning of 2017, when I said I was going to  publish my Top and Bottom lists for 2016 "during the next couple of weeks"? Yeah... So that didn't happen. First I didn't have time. Then I sort of forgot. As the months passed it just got embarrassing, and now we've reached De-effing-cember. I'm not even sure I can stand by these choices anymore, but you make the lists and you live with them. Those are the rules. So 11 months delayed I now present the lists of the best and worst film experiences I had last year. Some items on these lists are presented with limited comments, because I just need to get this off my table so I can start fresh and focus on the new lists for THIS year! Sigh. The plight of a film geek.

And without further ado, here are the worst films of 2016:

THE LIST

25. Morgan

Nothing is more infuriating than when filmmakers line up a fascinating science fiction concept and then do absolutely nothing with it. Morgan has a capable cast, it looks good and the setup is full of potential, but as it turns out the film merely wants to be a psycho-on-the-loose thriller. And not a very interesting one at that.

24. The Shallows

I'm not sure what's funniest; the film's insistence that we take it serious, even in the face of the most preposterous or artificial moments, the bad CGI shark, or the fact that there's a seagull called Steven Seagull. Even though the premise is fairly solid the film quickly lost me and I just couldn't stop laughing. Blake Lively is clearly a trooper, and of course she's stunning, but she can't save this unfortunate misfire. We're gonna need a better script.

23. Passengers

I love science fiction movies. I love love love them! I also love stories about people finding themselves all alone in the world, and then being forced to survive. What I don't love is a simple, obvious, unimaginative story. Oh sure, it takes place in a beautiful spaceship, but that doesn't make up for the trivial story. In fact, the story is so slight, that they had to show the entire plot in the trailer to sell the movie. Needless to say that didn't help either. Only one reason to watch this film: Jennifer Lawrence, who has never been more beautiful.

22. Daylight's End

I wish Johnny Strong made more movies. Having said that, I also wish he made better movies than this.

21. A Bigger Splash

An aging rock star, currently resting her voice after an operation and her much younger boyfriend are joined by her brash producer/ex-lover and his newfound young, hot daughter in a picturesque Italian coastal town. There's not much to do here but sunbathe, swim, eat and..... Well, you know. Soon tensions run high as old liaisons and fresh connections struggle with boredom for the attention of the quartet.

A tantalizing premise is squandered in this erotic drama, which turns to predictable soap opera and eventually settles on tedious murder plot. The idea to rob the lead character of her voice seems intriguing at first, but outstays its welcome very quickly. At the end of the second act the balloon is popped, and soon thereafter the film loses its momentum completely with the exit of the only truly interesting character. That leaves the rest of the film to drag itself to an uninspired and incoherent finish-line. The point, if there ever was one, has been lost long before we get that far.

20. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

What if we added zombies to a great literary work like Pride and Prejudice? What if indeed. This is dull, cheap and just plain baffling. Who was this film made for? Zombie fans? They're not gonna watch a Jane Austen movie! Jane Austen fans then? They're not gonna go to a zombie movie? The title sounds fun, but once you start thinking about what such a film would look like it's easy to see why it didn't work. Perhaps a more wacky and fun approach to the material could have saved it.

19. Star Trek Beyond

Star Trek Beyond is beyond trivial. In fact it's weaker than every other Star Trek film (yeah, even the 5th one) on almost every level. Sure, the acting is far better than anything in the old movies, and it looks fantastic, but this is a shoddy film. Badly shot, badly edited, poorly staged, and some of the CGI shots look surprisingly bad. In fact this film is a perfect distillation of the problems plaguing most Hollywood production these days. To sum up: This is marginally less interesting than a below average double-episode of Star Trek: Voyager.

18. 400 Days

Oh look, a cool space movie! Oh wait, it's another unimaginative redneck slasher. Purge airlock! Activate self-destruct!

17. X-Men: Apocalypse

Congratulations Brett Ratner. You have no longer directed the worst X-Men film.

16. The Last Witch Hunter

No Vin Diesel. It's not going to happen for you. At some point you'll have to realize that you're never going to be a big movie star. You're too unintentionally funny, and nowhere near as cool as you seem to think. Oh sure, that Fast and Furious franchise is doing gangbusters, but it would do just as well without you.

15. Approaching the Unknown

Just a plain old, dull, low-budget science fiction movie, with a disturbing bout of science illiteracy.

14. The Hateful Eight

I'm so glad Tarantino got make that cool 70 mm western he always wanted to make. I'm a little perplexed that he chose this tiny Agatha Christie-like story that plays out mostly in one room. It's not quite as bad as Django Unchained, but it's not good either.

13. Sorgenfri

There's actually some potential in this little Danish zombie movie, but it's too cheap, too dull and not zombie-ish enough in the end.

12. The Sinister Squad

It's a bit unfair to put this film on the list. It's a no-budge Asylum mockbuster, and it's one of the better ones in that category. Having said that, it's a pile of shit.

11. Amateur Night

No. Just no. And I never again want to see Jason Biggs wash a giant, pink dildo.

10. Point Break

The funniest part of this film, is that they misunderstood the plot of the original. Yes, the folks who made this film are SO dumb that they didn't get the original Point Break.

9. Extraction

I should have written something about this 11 months ago. I have no idea what it is, and I won't remember until I have to find the poster to illustrate this text.

8. Term Life

I got nothing on this either.

7. Independence Day: Resurgence

We didn't need this film. Never has a film been less needed than this. Not only that, but we didn't want it. The first film was a perfect cinematic moment caught in time, but it doesn't hold up to a revisit, so imagine how this 18-years-too-late sequel lands.

6. The Revenant

They already made a fairly dull film out of this story (Richard Harris' 1971 Man in the Wilderness). We really didn't need a 3 hour long, even duller version. This is almost unbearable to watch. Partly because of the self-important, pretentious stink than permeates every frame of this film, partly because of the crushing feeling of pointlessness when you realize the film has nothing to say and end it's non-existing journey by having two guys fight.

5. Gods of Egypt

Aaaaaaahahahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha. Alex Proyas, you stupid fuck, what were you thinking?

4. Ghostbusters (2016)

So THAT*S what the whole hullabaloo was about? That's why the internet got into massive fights about feminism and whatnot? This mediocre, flat, so-called comedy? Never mind that they shouldn't have remade Ghostbusters in the first place. Since they forced this film down our throats anyway, they could at least have tried to make it funny. Is that too much to ask?

3. Warcraft

Blablabla - something about orcs - blablabla - bad CGI- blabla - incoherent plot that only makes sense if you read the 20.000 page manual - blablabla - blue magical light - blablabla. And flush.

2. The BFG

Well congratulations Mr. Spielberg, years of sliding down the slope of disappointment has finally landed you within reach of having made the worst film of the year. The BFG is unbearable to watch. It's draining. It's so utterly uninteresting. And it's looks awful. This movie is SO ugly. Mr. Spielberg has made films I don't care for before, but this....

1. The Neon Demon

I get the intoxicating feeling of pretending this film is brilliant, but if you have fallen into that pit let me be the one who pulls you back up to reality: This movie is utter shite. It's crap of the highest order. Pure, concentrated garbage. It shouldn't even be a movie, it barely is at times. It's just a random collection of self-important, empty images gathered by an unhappy soul, so desperate not to be called mainstream that he'll literally put together 2 hours of nonsense. When I say this shouldn't have been a movie I mean that literally: This is a poem, or a photo-series perhaps. The only time it makes sense to call this a movie is when you put it at the bottom of your list as the worst movie of 2016.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Done. One down. Next up: The good ones.