IT'S THE ONE WHERE
James Bond must discover the truth behind the death of 009, and so he's off to investigate - wait for it - a Faberge egg. That's an expensive, very gay, gold egg to you and me. Bond must go to India to follow a guy who bought the egg at an auction. Nothing less than our way of life is at stake here. Honestly.
Of course Bond also flirts with Moneypenny, the secretary, who's looking so uncomfortable at this point that they've hired a young assistant for her, so Bond can flirt with her too. Naturally Bond nails every broad with a pulse, including a high class blond bimbo, and the exotic titular brunette. And in what can only be classified as Roger Moore's finest hour, Bond sneaks into a secret palace in a crocodile mini-submarine. Yes, a sub that looks like a crocodile.
THE SECRET PLOT TO RULE THE WORLD AWARD GOES TO...
Well, let's see. The biggest bad guy would have to be the absurd Russian general, who wants to blow up a nuclear device, thinking that will make the West cut down on their military forces, which would enable him to conquer Europe in a week with a dozen tanks. Or something.
Then there's the evil Prince Kamal Khan, who wants to get his hands on the previously mentioned egg. Oh, and kill Bond too. There's an evil henchman with a turban. And another evil henchman with a yo-yo saw blade thingy.
If the juvenile title isn't a big enough giveaway, the plot sure is. Bond has reached the nadir of his decrepit existence, and I'm confident it can't possibly get any worse. I mean, he's chasing a freakin' egg! AN EGG! What the hell is wrong with you people? You've got a super-cool agent, the world is your stage, you've got guns and gadgets, all the babes you could possibly want, and yet you decide to tell a story about a freakin' egg! Unfortunately that's not even half of it, because every single aspect of this film is broken. Everything is stupid.
I've talked about Bond's inadequate agent skills before, but this time he's captured even before the opening credit sequences. He's caught red-handed planting a bomb. The guy can't even plant a freakin' bomb. Of course he escapes, and then how does he make his getaway? By using a small plane hidden behind a fake horse-ass in a fake trailer, I sh*t you not! And then what happens? He RUNS OUT OF FUEL! All this, mind you, is still in the pre-credit sequence.
The thing is, the plot of a good action movie can actually be pretty bad, as long as the action is good. Unsurprisingly the action is beyond pathetic in Octopussy. Everything is played for laughs, too bad nothing is funny. Take the big market fight. Bond faces off against a couple of bad guys at your classic chaotic Middle Eastern market. He steals the blade from a sword swallowing conjurer to take care of one adversary, he throws another on top of a bed of nails, he tip-toes inelegantly over a bunch hot coals, and so on. Every confrontation is funny gimmick, every moment a clever little visual pun, it's exhausting. Later, during another unimpressive chase scene Bond swings through a jungle, and for some reason a retarded sound guy thought it was funny to add Tarzan's classic "scream" from the old movies to the soundtrack... I literally punched myself in the face.
But the coup de grâce to this fiasco is the big showdown. Now, let me be clear about this: Unless you're doing a circus film, you should never have a showdown that takes place in a circus. The showdown in Octopussy should be about stopping a nuclear device from killing hundreds of people and starting a war, but instead Bond stumbles around in a circus arena doing pratfalls, while DRESSED AS A CLOWN. It's unbelievable.
Did I mention that Octopussy is the name of a mysterious woman, who's the leader of a cult of circus women on a secret island? And that after Bond's circus debut all the cult girls band together and use their circus tricks to catch the bad guy, at which point Bond arrives in a hot air balloon to save the day?
Did I mention that Bond also dresses up as a gorilla at one point?