A science fiction movie pitch

So the whole thing started when I got a list of new DVD releases, and the Martin McDonagh film Seven Psychopaths was misspelled. It read Seven Psycophats.

I had to read it twice to get it, but then I thought: "Hey... There's a movie idea here!"

First you have to split the title into 3 bits. Psy - Cop - Hats.

I was instantly intrigued! What's a Psy-Cop!? And why does he need to wear a hat? I immediately shared this with my buddy Alexander Burlyka on IM. I suggested this should be a science fiction film. Something about mind control, and when he said the line "Hand in your badge, gun and Psy-Cop hat!" it all fell into place.... So here's the pitch for the movie.

TITLE:

7 Psy-Cop Hats.

GENRE:

A science fiction thriller.

THE PITCH:

In the near (very near, cheap) future mind-control and psychic abilities have developed among the general population, and of course the criminals have used this to their advantage.

To protect law enforcement officers from these maniacs, the Psy-Cop Protection System - more commonly known as the Psy-Cop Hat - has been developed. This is an ingenious piece of high tech head-gear, which protects the wearer from any kind of mind control or psychic attack, without limiting his/her innate supernatural abilities.

A crises arise when seven of these "hats" are stolen by a devious criminal overlord, who sells them to the nastiest bad guys around. Two cops must track down the hats before chaos and anarchy takes over.

That's all there is to it. It almost writes itself!

I sincerely hope someone will make 7 Psy-Cop Hats. SyFy channel and The Asylum seem like the obvious choice. I'm open to a $200 million Hollywood movie too, but honestly I'd prefer if this was an Asylum film. Alexander suggested Antonio Sabato and Kelly Brook for the two leads, which sound perfect to me, and I would just add Eric Roberts as the angry police captain.

So if anyone out there has any contacts with The Asylum, please tell them to take this idea and run with it. The only thing I want in return is a free DVD.

Seven Psychopaths (2012)

Struggling, alcoholic screenwriter Marty (Colin Farrell) is trying to write a script called "Seven Psychopaths" when he's suddenly drawn into the world of crime via his loser friend Billy (Sam Rockwell), who's running a dog-kidnapping scam with aging partner Hans (Christopher Walken). Turns out the hapless punks have kidnapped the beloved Shih Tzu of gangster Charlie (Woody Harrelson), and he wants it back at ALL cost!

In Bruges (2008) is a hard act to follow, but writer/director Martin McDonagh seems to have taken the almost universal praise for that film to heart, and convinced himself he can not only walk on water, he can also rewrite the whole world while he does it. Don't be fooled by the plot description above, this is actually a story about how clever Martin McDonagh thinks he is. It's a story about himself, writing a story about himself, with himself in it, played by Colin Farrell. The characters are talking about writing a film, and they're IN A FILM about the same thing! MIND. BLOWN. Yes, that was sarcasm.

McDonagh's sophomore feature is a vomitorium of quirky characters, clever dialogue, and brutal violence, fueled by a crippling desire to be the next "It film". It tries to tackle about a million different plot-lines, but it constantly gets distracted and loses its way. A bit surprising, considering that once you get past all the unbearable, self-referential, screenwriting bullsh*t, the core plot is so simple and dull it wouldn't even have cut the mustard as a Beverly Hills Chihuahua sequel.

Halfway through the film everything grinds to a halt, and we actually get a scene where the characters - robbed of any goal or sense of direction - sit around a campfire and discuss the ending of the their script. You know the script one of them is writing, which is similar to the film they're in, so they're actually discussing the ending of the film itself! See what they did there? That. Just. Happened! Even Tarantino isn't this smug, when he's at his worst.

Seven Psychopaths is obnoxious and self-indulgent, and I found it utterly infuriating. It's impossible to care for the smarmy characters and in the end all I wanted to do was beat the film to death with a hardcover copy of "Teach Yourself Screenwriting".