Top 10 Star Wars Changes Lucas SHOULD Have Done

INT. IMPERIAL OUTPOST - NIGHT

Finally it happened. George Lucas decided to release his beloved Star Wars trilogy (and those three other films) on Bluray. Of course these are the heavily manipulated special editions, and there's no sign that the original versions will be released, despite complaints from a very vocal fan-base.

The fact that Lucas keeps changing these films (every incarnation has been tampered with), and deny the existence of the original versions, is monumentally stupid, but we'll save that for another blog.

Obviously the first order of business should have been to get rid of all the alterations and get back to the original version, but failing that why hasn't Lucas gone all the way?

There's a bunch of things he could have changed, which actually would have improved the films, instead of those silly or annoying changes he did do (I mean, is there anyone out there who seriously had trouble with Anakin Skywalker's eyebrows?! And if so... kill yourself!)

Anyway, here are my suggestions for things Lucas SHOULD have changed, but didn't.

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THE LIST

1) The droids and Obi Wan don't recognize each other

When Luke meets up with Obi Wan in Star Wars, the old Jedi shows no sign of recognizing R2-D2 and C-3PO, nor do they recognize him. However, several decades earlier they were running around together and saved the galaxy.

I'm not sure if this is the biggest hole in the story, but it's certainly the most infuriating. The only reason we got into this mess, is because Lucas insisted that the droids were included in the prequel trilogy, despite the fact that it doesn't make any sense. Up to this point no one had assumed that Anakin built C-3PO, so there was no reason to include the robot in the story, and judging by the beating the average Astro droid gets, there's no reason to assume an R2 unit would be in service for more than 30 years, so he shouldn't be there either. If Lucas had bothered re-watch the original trilogy just once, before he wrote the prequels, he would have realized this inconsistency.

Solution: This one is tricky, yet simple. The problem could be solved by deleting the three prequels.

2) The fat Jabba dancer

Look, I like big women as much as the next guy, but this is overdoing it. Besides, the way Jabba drools over Leia, it's reasonable to assume that he likes his woman small and perky. So who IS this woman? Is she someone's drunk aunt? Somebody should have lured her over to the trapdoor and pushed the button.

Solution: Do like the Jedi, and use your powers for good. Just paint her out with CGI.

3) Garbage mattes

With all the technical tinkering Lucas has subjected these films to, it seems odd that he hasn't gotten rid of the so-called "garbage mattes".

To the uninitiated, garbage mattes are a defect of doing blue screen work in the old photochemical effect days. The use of this process can, under certain conditions, result in an almost transparent "box" around some elements. This is almost gone in the new high def versions, but I want it completely gone. Once you notice these boxes, you'll be distracted and pulled out of the films every time you watch them.

Solution: CGI.

4) Other technical flaws

Lucas loves fixing little details, so why didn't he fix some of the additional technical glitches? Take for example the cockpit shots as shuttle Tyderium approaches Endor: The background is visible through the actors. Or what about the weird painted exhaust from Boba Fett's jet-pack? Or all the shots where large doors open really fast, and there's a noticeable jerk in the image? These things can be really distracting, why not get rid of them?

Solution: More CGI.

5) Han Solo can't do math

"I owe you one!" Han Solo claims after Luke has saved him from Jabba, but this is technically not true. Remember how Solo saved Luke from Vader in Star Wars? And then he saved him from freezing to death on Hoth in Empire Strikes Back? In Empire Solo even says: "That's two you owe me, Junior."

So for the slow ones: 2 minus 1 is 1. Even in Star Wars.

Solution: A simple audio-fix. Like they did in Blade Runner, when they needed to get the number of replicants right. Wait a second... Harrison Ford appeared in that movie too! Maybe HE's the one who can't do math!

6) The Three Wise Men help the rebels

A little known fact: After the Three Wise Men had delivered all that gold, frankincense, and myrrh, they traveled to the fourth moon of Yavin to monitor the rebel assault on the Death Star. Bet you never read that part of the story did ya? Seriously, who are these old guys? Wouldn't it make more sense to get some younger, more alert folks in the support staff? I'm just saying.

Solution: Re-cut. Use footage of completely hairless random dudes from THX-1138 and insert them with CGI.

7) The well-endowed nose

I hate to be a stickler for small details, but then again nothing about THIS guy is small. Every time I've seen this movie with an audience, everyone snickers, and it always pulls me out of the film. Can we please get rid of that nose, so we can all focus on the serious issues? Escaping the stormtroopers, saving the galaxy and all that. Damn, would you look at that thing!

Solution: CGI. Who wouldn't want that credit? "CGI schlong nose removal"!

8) The continuity errors

All movies have continuity errors. It's simply unavoidable. I won't bore you with the details, just look up the IMDb goof pages, there are hundreds of mistakes in each film. But why, in the midst of all his tinkering, didn't Lucas fix a few of those? No-no, instead he got his CGI guys to paint some new rocks into a shot, thus creating NEW continuity errors!

Solution: Fire up those computers and get to work. Again.

9) Get Chewie a medal

One of the greatest injustices in the galaxy! Poor Chewbacca! He's been Han Solo's faithful companion from the word go, he's put in the time, he's paid his dues, doesn't he deserve some recognition as well? I think so. Look at him standing there during the final ceremony in Star Wars, completely medal-less. Outrageous.

Solution: Bit of the old CGI should clear that right up.

10) Luke's hair

Most people will probably want to get rid of Leia's giant headphone-hair in Star Wars, but honestly that never bothered me all that much. What does bother me is Luke's 70's haircut in all three movies. Even when he becomes a commander or general (or what the hell he is), he's still sticking with the stupid haircut. Don't they have ANY standards in the rebel army? No wonder they have to cheat to win.

Solution: Massive re-shoots. Everything must be redone. No amount of CGI tinkering can save this one.

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FINAL THOUGHTS

I trust the less-than-serious nature of this blog post is obvious. It sprung from a genuine frustration with Lucas and the way he treats the Star Wars fans. I doubt he will ever listen to the fans and bring back the original versions of the films, and that saddens me. A fellow blogger suggested that the Academy took back all the Oscars the Star Wars movies won - 10 in total. The reason being that the work they won for no longer exists! So naturally it would be completely justifiable to ask for Lucas and his crew to return the statuettes.

Maybe we should do that. Maybe then Lucas would think twice about tampering with our movies. Yes, I said OUR movies. Star Wars belongs to us, the fans. George Lucas just works here.

WIPE TO BLACK

Top 10 Favorite Animated Films

INT. INK & PAINT CLUB - NIGHT

I don't remember why I suddenly felt the need to do this list, but regardless, film geeks should have lists of this kind ready in every genre, in case they're challenged by regular people to name their favorite whatever-film.

So without further ado, here is the - bound to be controversial - list of my favorite animated feature films.

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THE TOP 10 LIST

1) Madagascar (2005)

Not just my favorite animated film, but one of my ALL TIME favorite films! I love everything about this. The sweet story, the funny characters, the goofy humor, and all the downright nutty ideas. Oh, and there's no singing in it (Except for that one song, but that doesn't count). The outstanding voice-work ties everything together, and let's not forget the penguins. 'Cause penguins are cool.

2) Kung Fu Panda (2008)

I love Kung Fu Panda a little bit more every day. The beautiful, gorgeous designs. The sweet, simple story. It features a panda, and pandas are cool. It features a fat underachiever whom I have no trouble identifying with, and on top of that it's got kung fu. Perfection.

Who would have thought the combination of the sloppy Jack Black and the Oscar-winning Dustin Hoffman would work so well? In fact, it doesn't get much better than this.

3) Ice Age (2002)

This was the first time I saw a computer animated film, and forgot it was computer animated. I literally forgot it. That should tell you all you need to know about the humor and the sweet, engaging story. Then there's John Leguizamo's Sid the Sloth, one of my favorite animated characters ever. He looks funny, acts funny, and sounds even funnier. And let's not forget that there's freakin' snow everywhere. You know how much I love snow.

Just one last detail: Stick to the original and ignore the sequels. They all suck.

4) Despicable Me (2010)

Let me be completely honest about it: This film makes me cry. Every time I get to the end I tear up. Very few animated films can do this, I'll tell you. Before we get that far, however, we get a story that flips the whole universe upside down, forces us to root for a super-villain who wants to steal the moon, while hoping he changes his ways and becomes a better person! Also, because it was produced in France, the animation style is different than most American films, which is nice.

5) Lilo & Stitch (2002)

I saw this movie the first time with two friends at my local cinema. Then this line came up: "His destructive programming is taking effect. He will be irresistibly drawn to large cities, where he will back up sewers, reverse street signs, and steal everyone's left shoe."

And then we laughed. For about 20 minutes. Much to the amazement of everyone else in the theater. From that point on the film could do no wrong. And I haven't even gotten to the part where this is the sweetest, most gentle and charming thing since sliced bread.

6) How to Train Your Dragon (2010)     

I was on the fence about this film when I first saw the trailer. I wasn't even going to watch it at first, but then I gave it a chance. In about two seconds it won me over. Beautiful cinematography, great score, fantastic voice-work. The story is simple, but original - it almost feels like a classic. The setting is unusual - nobody makes viking movies any more - the animation doesn't intrude or call unnecessary attention to itself, and the humor is pleasantly subdued.

7) Wonderful Days (2003)

Stories about mankind on the brink of extinction always gets my attention, this one even more so because it's Korean and because it's an animated film for grown ups. It's got a very original story and an inventive style.

Wonderful Days combines CGI animation with good old fashioned models, and hand-drawn animation. The effect is stunning. The film looks absolutely gorgeous, but what's even more important: It packs an emotional punch as well. It's profound and often downright poetic.

8) Up (2009)

It starts off as a heartfelt tale of how life can slip through your fingers, without you knowing it, but ends up as a wild adventure which also tells you it's never too late to grab life by the horns and take it for a ride.

The first 10 minutes of Up redefines what an animated film can do. It really shouldn't work on any level... A cranky old man and a fat Asian kid in the two leads. A story that covers everything from death, to dreams and talking dogs. That's more than most live-action film manage to do.

9) Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)

I know everybody hates this. I know the animation has its feet solidly planted in the deep mud of the uncanny valley. I know the story is a bunch of new age, crystal-gripping nonsense about spirits and fluffy things. I don't care. I love the style of this film. I love the pace. I love the music. I love how seriously it takes itself. And I love the fact that the entire fate of the world seems to be on the line in every single scene.

10) Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2001)

I'm not a big Disney fan. I think it's because of the singing and the formulaic nature of most of their films. Perhaps that's why Atlantis works for me. There's no singing and no fluffy sidekick animals. What we get instead is a classic Jules Verne action/adventure, with a completely un-Disney-like design, so cool that I don't even wish they had done it as a live-action film.

Plus, the nerd gets the girl, which is the way every good story should end.

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Runners-Up

The always quotable Open Season (2006) almost made the list, as did Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (2009) - I just love the crazy humor. Robin Williams single-handedly elevated Aladdin (1992) to something unique. WALL·E (2008) blew me away. The Prince of Egypt (1998) gave us the kind of epic story Hollywood doesn't make any more (and I even love the songs). The tiny The Secret of Kells (2009), with its challenging story and low-tech animation, really surprised me. The Emperor's New Groove (2000) is just funny as hell. The Great Mouse Detective (1986) made me wonder why they never did a sequel, and then there's Titan A.E. (2000), which sort of drops the ball at the end, but until that point it's both beautiful and interesting. As for the Norwegian Kurt blir grusom (2008)... Well, it's just perfect for truckers, need I say more?

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FINAL THOUGHTS

I'm sure some people will tear their own heads off, complaining about all the classic Disney films I've ignored. The reason is simple, they bore me. And where are all the classic Animé films? Well, I have watched some of them, but to be honest they rarely stay with me.

There you have it. This is my list and if you have a problem with it, make your own list, then we can talk.

FADE OUT.

Top 10 Films I Refuse to See

INT. DEATH STAR - AFTERNOON

I'm a film geek, I fully admit this. I watch a fair amount of movies, in fact, there are very few movies I don't watch - of a certain quality that is.

Still, there are a few movies I just can't bring myself to watch. It's not like "oh, I don't really care about that movie." No, what I'm talking about are movies I've made a conscious decision about not watching. If they're on TV I'll change the channel. If someone gives me the DVD I'll throw it out.

This is my top 10 of movies that repel me so much I refuse to see them. "But You can't judge a movie you haven't seen yet!" I hear you protest. I can't? Well, watch this...

FLASH CUT:

THE TOP 10 LIST

1) The Color Purple (1985)

I love Steven Spielberg, almost more than life itself. However, I'm not prepared to watch this pitiful plea for an Oscar. I don't care about these people and their tough lives, I just don't. Plus, no offence, shouldn't this have been directed by a black guy? Kind of like the way it was appropriate that a Jew tackled the Schindler's List film, know what I mean? And with both Whoopi Goldberg and Oprah Winfrey in the cast, this is almost as bad as it gets. The only thing that could make it worse, is Ashton Kutcher.

2) Ken Park (2002)

Some filmmakers just disgust you. Their sheer existence makes you want to shower. Harmony Korine is one of those guys. Now, I've never seen any of his films and I don't really care if they're good. I don't want to watch the kind of stories he tells. Period. The same way I don't want to watch kiddie p0rn, paint drying or football. Now, I know I don't have to watch these films, this is my prerogative, but it would really make me happy if we could make sure Mr. Korine doesn't even make them. Can we do that?

3) Rushmore (1998)

Another one of my most loathed directors is Wes Anderson. Every movie he makes looks stupid. Stupid stories, stupid characters, stupid costumes, stupid actors with stupid faces. Rushmore may have been a "cult favorite" (whatever the hell that means), but I detest the idea of this film. I can't even get past the poster! I get mad, just looking at it. I really hope Wes Anderson decides that figure skating is really where his true talents lie.

4) The Polar Express (2004)

Of course every stupid Mo-Cap movie should be on this list, but unfortunately I've already seen several of them. They ALL look freaky, but The Polar Express (2004) looks more freaky than the rest. If I had seen this as a kid it would have scared me more than Den store Bastian (LINK: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Struwwelpeter).

Plus, what's the story here? A train travels to a destination... And that's it? That not a story, it's barely an idea! It's not even a tagline! What's next?! The Ball (a story about a ball, lying on an empty playground), or what about The Parked Car (go on, guess what that's about!)? Jeezus effing Christ! And how much did this "masterpiece" cost? $165 million!

5) Shrek the Third (2007)

I did see Shrek. Hated it. Stupid, bad, and utterly unfunny. And the animation style is so bloody awful! So why did I see Shrek 2, you ask? No idea! I just know it was worse. So that's it! I'm not going to watch the third or fourth entry, or any of the numerous spin-offs we'll undoubtedly get. Or the TV show. Or the reboot. Enough is enough. Die lame Shrek, die.

6) A Good Year (2006)

I just can't wrap my head around this film. Ridley Scott did freakin' Alien (1979) and Blade Runner (1982)! Forgetting the fact that his last good film was Black Rain (1989), how does a man who made those movies decide to do A Good Year (2006)? And what about Russell Crowe? This guy had talent once, just watch films like The Insider (1999), L.A. Confidential (1997), and even The Quick and the Dead (1995) (no, I'm not counting Gladiator (2000), because it sucks). He was cool once. And then he did a wine film! This is every shade of wrong.

7) Meet the Parents (2000)

Now, I'm rather picky about my comedies. I need zany comedy! I need films full of absurd ideas - but I need cleverness as well. Like Monty Python!

This stupid, crass, utterly unfunny piece of trash is one of the most successful modern comedies, which is why I've included it here. In all fairness I could have included any number of modern comedies, like: Hitch (2005), There's Something About Mary (1998), any spoof movie, and most Adam Sandler movies. They just aren't funny. At all. Stop making them, idiots!

8) 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

I did see the first The Fast and the Furious film. That was enough. I come across my share of bad and incompetent films, but I can't remember the last time I felt as offended by a movie's lack of intelligence, as I did during FF1. I vowed never to see another stinking entry in this horrible franchise. And if you know how much I like Michelle Rodriguez and Jordana Brewster, you'll know just how serious that is.

There's also that stupid title, which have forced me to refer to every subsequent movie in a similar fashion... You know, 3 Fast 3 Furious, 4 Fast 4 Furious... Stupid!

9) Cars (2006)

I haven't exactly appreciated the earlier Pixar films. They're alright, I guess, they just bore me. Cars falls into a completely separate category for me. I loathe it. Talking cars aren't funny! If a car talks, it better look like freaking K.I.T.T., and if it doesn't I'd prefer if it just shut the hell up! Besides, any movie where the lead character "finds the true meaning of friendship and family" should be burned, or buried in a deep hole and covered with wombat pooh.

10) The Simpsons Movie (2007)

I loathe The Simpsons. I want to jump into the screen and strangle every damn character on that show, and yes I realize they are animated. They're all so damn stupid, but our "hero" Homer is the most stupid of them all. I don't get why people think this is funny, you can see every joke coming a mile away. Every stupid Homer reaction is so predictable. So no, I'm not gonna watch the feature film, and honestly I feel like punching anyone who likes it.

DISSOLVE TO:

FINAL THOUGHTS

I hate when people say, "You have to try everything once!" Really? You think so? Then jump out in front of a bus! Go on! Try it once, I dare you! Or how about this classic bit of parenting, "How will you know you don't like it, unless you eat it?" Here's the thing... I knew that pile of green sludge my parents served me would taste horrible, I really didn't have to try it!

Same thing goes for movies.

They make so many movies each year, I don't have time to watch them all, so I have to pick and chose. I reserve the right to judge and reject movies based on little or no information. We judge things on sight every damn day, why should movies be any different?

These are the films that have been judged by me. And there is no appeal.

CUT TO BLACK.

Top 10 Most Disgusting Dishes by Two Fat Ladies

INT. KITCHEN - DINNER TIME

So it's like freakin' hot, and I can't seem to gather my thoughts regarding the blog I was going to write. So instead you'll get one of those in-between blogs, vaguely film related, but not really.

Here's the thing: I love cooking shows on TV. I'm not really into cooking myself, I just like to watch other people cook. There's a ton of different shows, some sophisticated, some simple, and a few that aren't like anything else.

One of these shows is Two Fat Ladies.

It features two very large British women - Clarissa Dickson Wright and Jennifer Paterson - who travel around in England on their old school bike and make old school food. When I say old school I mean the kind of dishes your grandparents would know. Nothing overly fancy, nothing too healthy. Rustic food in other words, food for men (and women) who work hard in the fields.

Because these two charming ladies aren't too preoccupied with what's good, or modern, or fancy, they make some of the most disgusting dishes you can imagine. I'm sure they taste very nice, but they sure look nasty.

Now, I recently watched the entire 24 episode run of the series again, and this time I made a list of the most disgusting dishes. Since I don't know anything about food I can't really comment on the dishes, so you'll have to make do with the pictures.

Then again, pictures speak a thousand words, don't they...?

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THE TOP 10 LIST

1) Gigot of monkfish rosemarin with anchovies (1.01)

2) Jugged kippers (2.05)

3) Devilled kidneys (2.05)

4) Portuguese fish stew (4.01)

5) Pheasant and pickled walnut terrine (1.05)

6) Devils on horseback (2.01)

7) Shooter's sandwich (1.06)

8) Robert May's salmon (2.02)

9) Asturian bean and sausage soup (3.03)

10) Stuffed baked codfish with a tomato sauce (4.04)

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FINAL THOUGHTS

And there you have it. I'll get back to my tricky blog now, while I eat a dry peace of bread. Suddenly I'm not all that hungry. It's still freakin' hot, though. Maybe I should watch a cool film?