Being offensive

So it's the last day of the year.

I have been a fairly rotten blogger in 2013, but I won't promise it'll improve next year, because then I won't disappoint if that doesn't happen, and if it does happen, we'll all be pleasantly surprised.

As is our custom, here on SiMiMoBl, we'll wrap up with a poignant scene from a film.

This one is from the TV movie Holy Flying Circus (2011), written by Tony Roche, where we follow the Monty Python troupe through the controversy surrounding the release of their seminal masterpiece Life of Brian (1979). A most wonderful comedy that takes a sharp knife to the belly of organized religion, and exposes its lunacy and hypocrisy while dancing around on the blood-soaked intestines. Jolly good fun, then.

FADE IN:

INT. MICHAEL PALIN'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Michael Palin (Charles Edwards) and John Cleese (Darren Boyd) are discussing the negative public reactions to Life of Brian, as they're preparing to go on national TV and defend it, against a bishop no less.

JOHN CLEESE

Okay, I'm the bishop.

MICHAEL PALIN

Right.

JOHN CLEESE

Why have you deliberately set out to offend people of faith?

MICHAEL PALIN

Uh, well... Bishop, it wasn't our intention to deliberately offend Christians or to be blasphemous.

JOHN CLEESE

Totally disagree with that.

MICHAEL PALIN

Sorry, is that you in character, or are you talking as you?

JOHN CLEESE

No, I'm talking as me. Talk to Graham about it. Ask him what he thinks. He's not that keen on Christians because they're not that keen on homosexuals.

MICHAEL PALIN

See, I don't think we intended to be offensive, just for the sake of it.

JOHN CLEESE

There's nothing wrong with being offensive. It's part of life! If you get offended, so what?! In a way it's a good thing. It tells you you're still alive at least.

He puts down the tea cup for emphasis.

JOHN CLEESE

Why can't I say things to offend you, hmm? Why can't I say I don't like your hair? Or your wife looks like a man and makes fucking awful soup. What's the worst that could happen?

MRS. PALIN

Hello, John.

Without any warning Mrs. Palin shows up in the doorway to greet John. She does, in fact, look like a man.

JOHN CLEESE

Oh, hello! Sorry, didn't realize you were, uh....

MRS. PALIN

Cup of tea? I can put the kettle on, although I don't think it'll suit me.

JOHN CLEESE

(forced laughter)

Oh! Very good, very good! Oh, well done. Most Amusing. Tres amusant. No, we're fine, thank you. Most kind of you to ask. We're- we're- we're- we're fine.

MRS. PALIN

Sure I can't get you anything? Glass of Cordieal?

(suddenly cold)

Spot of soup?

Mrs. Palin (man) holds John Cleese's gaze in an iron grip. Cleese swallows something, unsure what to do.

JOHN CLEESE

No, we're fine. thank you. Although your soup is always delightful.

Mrs. Palin (man) bows, then gives Cleese one last knowing stare before leaving.

JOHN CLEESE

Right, where was I? Um....

MICHAEL PALIN

Being offensive.

JOHN CLEESE

Being offensive! Yes, thank you.
What is the worst that can happen, hmm? You'll stop talking to me? Heaven forfend!
What will probably happen? You'll be upset for a bit, and forget about it.
What's the best that can happen?

(starting to get worked up)

Maybe you'll think "John's got a point! My wife does look like a man, and her soup does taste fucking awful! Maybe I should leave her."

MICHAEL PALIN

I've been able to keep my marriage together, thanks.

JOHN CLEESE

Oh, well, that's the spirit! Besides, we haven't been offensive, Mike. People just like complaining. The British love complaining. Complaining about the weather, complaining about the government, the fucking darkies, the fucking queers, Noel fucking Edmonds and his Multi-Cunting Swap Shop!
When it comes to the British, you can't please any of the people any of the time. And you know why they like complaining so much?

(almost screaming now)

Maybe it's because deep down, they know there is no fucking God, and it takes their mind off the fact that their lives are a pathetic sham that won't amount to a hill of shitty beans!

A moment of silence as Michael Palin ponders this.

MICHAEL PALIN

You going to be like this on the TV?

JOHN CLEESE

(matter-of-factly)

Yes, I am.

AND SCENE.

I often refer to this as the best Non-Monty Python Monty Python scene. Not only is it funny, but it's got a point too.

As we prepare to enter 2014, in a time where the world, more than ever before, seems to be on the verge of a complete intellectual breakdown, it's worth dwelling on the exchange above. So do that, ponder the words, and let's all try to make sure 2014 is really the Year of the Horse, and not just the Year of the Horse's Ass.

Happy new year!

The Meaning of Life (1983)

THE BIT BEFORE THE THING

They say "analyzing a joke is like dissecting a frog. No one is that interested, and the frog dies." Luckily, as we embark on an examination of Monty Python's The Meaning of Life, I can say two things up front: There will be no dissecting and the frog is already dead.

Most people are probably familiar with the "gluttony-sketch" from this movie. It's the one where a grotesquely obese man sits down in a restaurant, projectile vomits all over the place and then eats until he bursts. The sketch perfectly encapsulates the problems with the film as a whole: Most scene have one joke. It's crude. There's no cleverness or thought provoking satire behind the madness. And it's overlong.

THE BIT AFTER THE BIT BEFORE THE THING

The original Monty Python TV-series (henceforth called The Show) was a rambling string of barely connected sketches that barely made any sense. Barely. And it is the best TV-series ever created. When Monty Python moved to movies, they became a lot more focused, even though the sketch format to a large extend still defined their work. The Holy Grail (1975) and Life of Brian (1979) both stayed more or less within their designated themes, and they both worked exquisitely.

It's ironic then that despite going back to the nonsense that defined them The Meaning of Life fails both at being focused and rambling. It's something altogether more mundane. Python mundane, but mundane nonetheless.

A big intro song with Terry Gilliam animation promises that the film will discuss the meaning of life. Most sketches do relate in some way to life, but then again that could be said for almost anything in life - that it relates to life, I mean. So, would renaming it "random sketches about life" fix this film? Nope. The problems run deeper.

THE THING (OR THE BIT)

The film opens with The Crimson Permanent Assurance. A 16 minute isolated short, clearly the brainchild of Terry Gilliam. Gilliam often created his own worlds within the Python universe, so it makes sense that he should be allowed to do that here as well.

The short looks absolutely gorgeous. It's cleverly shot, with fantastic production design and impressive (for the time and budget) model work. Unfortunately this is a rather dishonest start. It has virtually nothing to do with the film, except for a brief return of the pirates in the main feature, and yet it suffers from the same problems as the rest of the project: It's one joke. It's too long. And it doesn't say much.

Then the feature presentation begins.

We open with two sketches about "the miracle of birth". First a clumsy doctor sketch, which quickly turns out to be a fairly toothless indictment of the medical system, with doctors being more concerned about financing than helping patients. That's it. Again, there's only one layer here, and it's a fairly predictable one too.

Then we move to Yorkshire for a sketch about a family with about a hundred kids. Cue jokes about Catholics not using condoms, which explodes into an admittedly impressive song and dance number. While the sight of little kids singing "Every Sperm Is Sacred" is delightfully disturbing and destined to produce a chuckle or two, once again, the sketch is too damn long, and it's one joke, with one layer. I could go through the whole film and repeat myself endlessly, because I'm afraid the trend outlined by the first chapter of the film continues.

The Meaning of Life is just not zany enough. It's too obvious. It almost pains me to say so, because when the hell was Monty Python ever predictable? Even when the setup is completely obvious and the punchline is a sitting duck (or sheep), the boys still found ways to surprise. One thing is certain: You could rarely, if ever, see the end of a sketch coming. That's not the case in this film.

Even more disturbingly, The Meaning of Life is nowhere near as clever or as searing as The Show. The Pythons take aim at all the familiar targets - religion, the education system, and the sexual frustrations of the middle and upper class - but they appear to have nothing to say. The result is often crude or just over the top, in an unfunny way. Like the "Live organ donation"-sketch - which is way too bloody and gruesome. Taken out of context some of the moments in that sketch would not read as jokes. And what's with making so many stupid characters American? Since when did Python pick so low-hanging fruit?

Despite the slow pace and the general lack of jokes, a few sequences surprise by being completely joke free. Like the restaurant sketch, where a couple struggles trying to find a conversation subject, or the completely useless "Death visits"-bit near the end. Many of these sequences seem to exists in lieu of Terry Gilliam animated bits, which would normally provide the transition from one sketch to the next, and give us something funny and nonsensical to look at along the way. In The Show these transitions enhanced the sketch format by allowing us to skip the boring bits, jump straight into the good bits, and get out before the joke gets dull, or before we get to the punchline. That last one is particularly useful if there isn't any.

When a sketch was abandoned in The Show it never felt like a cop out. In The Meaning of Life many jokes simply peter out, and it feels almost as if the Pythons lose interest along the way.

Despite this rather harsh critique of the film The Meaning of Life is not completely without familiar Python antics. Like the fact that the film is introduced by some talking fish in an aquarium at a restaurant, waiting to die, like their friend on a plate nearby. Or the break in the middle of the film called "the middle of the film", discussing the fact that we've reached the middle of the film. There's the grotesque sight of a teacher demonstrating the act of intercourse in front of a room full of kids, and a war sketch, where a group of soldiers desperately try to celebrate the birthday of their commanding officer before the final raid, which is as close to the old magic as the film gets.

Sadly these few scattered moments of funny, only serve to put the shortcomings of the rest of the endeavor into sharp focus.

THE BIT AFTER THE THING (AKA THE FINAL THING, OR POST-BIT)

I find myself in a peculiar situation: I love Monty Python and everything they do, but I can't stand The Meaning of Life. It's just not funny to me. I almost wish it didn't exist.

The Meaning of Life is a sad swan song for the Pythons. When Graham Chapman died in 1989 - the inconsiderate bastard! - he single-handedly ruined the chance of a proper reunion, but that's okay, he was always the weak link and who likes bloody gays anyway? (<---joke) But that's beside the point. We'll always have the old shows, we'll always have the other films. And every time there's a partial reunion of the troupe we're reminded of the wonder that is Monty Python. And that is all we need.

The Top 10 Monty (Python) Sketches (part 3 of 1)

It's about time for another Top 10, it's been so long since the last one. For a while I've considered writing something about Monty Python. While I ponder this a little more, I figured I could start by making a collection of my favorite sketches.

These are in no particular order. I'm not even sure these are my favorite sketches, but they are quite good. Well, when I say good, I mean I like them. Not in the same way I like coffee or Asian girls, but certainly more than I like dead badgers or cleaning crumbs out of those round brown straw mats.

Anyway, if this was a nice ordered list that made sense, it wouldn't really be in the spirit of Monty Python, right? Right! So here we go...

THE LIST

1) Theory on Brontosauruses by Anne Elk (Miss)
- from episode 31 (YouTube)

A less than knowledgeable lady, Anne Elk (Miss), is interviewed about her stunning new theory about Brontosauruses. Elk (Miss) is not very cooperative.

"You have a new theory about the brontosaurus."
"Can I just say here Chris for one moment that I have a new theory about the brontosaurus."
"Exactly. What is it?"
"Where?"

Who knew that a simple little sketch like this would later inspire entire networks, but it is in fact true that most 24-hour news channels had to buy the rights for this sketch to be able to interview uninteresting people, who have wild theories on subjects they know little or nothing about. Creationists also pay a monthly fee to the Pythons.

2) Buying a bed
- from episode 8 (YouTube)

A newlywed couple has some problems buying a new bed, when they realize there are certain words they can't say.

"You have to say dog kennel to Mr. Lambert because if you say mattress he puts a bag over his head. I should have explained. Apart from that he's really all right."

Well, we've all dealt with difficult shop assistants at one point or another, and of course you can always go on Facebook afterwards and cry about how unfairly you were treated. You can also watch this sketch and realize that maybe it's all your own fault.

3) It all happened on the 11.20 from Hainault to Redhill via Horsham and Reigate, calling at Carshalton Beeches, Malmesbury, Tooting Bec, and Croydon West aka The Agatha Christie Sketch (Railway Timetables)
- from episode 24 (YouTube)

A murder in a posh country house and the following investigation is derailed by everyone's attention to the railway timetables.

"All right, nobody move. I'm Inspector Davis of Scotland Yard."
"My word, you were here quickly, inspector."
"Yes, I got the 8.55 Pullman Express from King's Cross and missed that bit around Hornchurch."

Yet another one of those wonderful "a policeman enters"-sketches, like the one with Inspector Tiger (Tiger? What? Where?), and another poke at the stiff Brits and their devotion to rules and timetables. This sketch also allowed the Python's to indulge in one of their passions: Trains. Every one of the Pythons were avid trainspotters, except Eric Idle, so this was also a way to share this pastime joy with their fans.

B) Climbing the Kilimanjaro
- from episode 9 (YouTube)

Arthur Wilson wants to join an expedition to Kilimanjaro, but finds the leader of the climbing party... erhm, somewhat challenged.

"We are leading this expedition to Africa."
"And what routes will you both be taking?"
"Good questions... shall I? Well, we'll be leaving on January 22nd and taking the following routes. The A23s through Purleys down on the main roads near Purbrights avoiding Leatherheads and then taking the A231s entering Rottingdeans from the North. From Rottingdeans we go through Africa to Nairobis. We take the South road out of Nairobis for about twelve miles and then ask."

The Pythons' fascination with the achievements of mortal men shines through in this fascinating mystery skit - A precursor to the work of David Lynch, perhaps? In any case it's the chilling twist at the end that brings this around, and makes it unique.

5) Hijacked plane (to Luton)
- from episode 16

A man bursts into the cockpit of a plane in an attempt to hijack it.

"All right, don't anybody move! Except to control the aeroplane ... you can move a little to do that.
"Can I move?"
"Yes, yes, yes. You can move a little bit. Yes. Sorry, I didn't mean to be so dogmatic when I came in. Obviously you can all move a little within reason. There are certain involuntary muscular movements which no amount of self-control can prevent. And obviously any assertion of authority on my part, I've got to take that into account."

This probably started from the brilliantly simple idea that "don't move" doesn't actually mean "don't move", combining this with the idea of "what would happen if someone went through the wrong door in a plane" (which was the earlier part of the sketch, where Graham Chapman mistakes the cockpit for the bathroom. Maybe I should have mentioned that before, and not just put it in brackets here at the end, but such is the way of the world. Not everything can be outside the brackets).

7) Lifeboat
- from episode 33 (YouTube)

A sailor enters the kitchen of Mrs. Neves, only to learn that things are not as they appear.

"Oh it's terrible up on deck."
"Up on deck?"
"Yes on deck. It's diabolical weather."
"What deck, dear?"
"The deck, the deck of the lifeboat."
"This isn't a lifeboat, dear. This is 24, Parker Street."

The mind-bending brilliance of this sketch cannot be understated. They say assumption is the mother of all f*ckups, this was never truer than in the world of Python. Never take anything for granted. Doubt the world, the very fabric of life. Doubt everything, even your own eyes.

7) Confuse-a-Cat Ltd.
- from episode 5 (YouTube)

A concerned couple calls in a vet to look at their cat, which is just sitting there motionless on the lawn all day.

"Well, I think I may be able to help you. You see, your cat is suffering from what we vets haven't found a word for. His condition is typified by total physical inertia, absence of interest in its ambiance - what we vets call environment - failure to respond to the conventional external stimuli - a ball of string, a nice juicy mouse, a bird. To be blunt, your cat is in a rut. It's the old stockbroker syndrome, the suburban fin de siecle ennui, angst, weltschmertz, call it what you will."

All the Monty Python members were big cat lovers, except for Eric Idle, which is why cats are prominently featured in every single sketch. If you're a cat-lover too, you're already familiar with the concept of trying to get a cat to do anything, in which case the extreme lengths Confuse-a-Cat Ltd. will go to, to achieve their goal, is not at all surprising.

Despite overacting and looking at dramatically at the camera all the time, Graham Chapman inspires instant confidence as the vet, and the interplay between Terry Jones and Michael Palin is a masterclass of subtlety.

8) Cheese Shop
- from episode 33 (YouTube)

John Cleese attempts to buy some cheese. That is all.

For no apparent reason, here are the 43 cheeses mentioned in the sketch: Red Leicester, Tilsit, Caerphilly, Bel Paese, Red Windsor, Stilton, Gruyere, Emmental, Norwegian Jarlsberger, Liptauer, Lancashire, White Stilton, Danish Blue, Double Gloucester, Cheshire, Dorset Blue Vinney, Brie, Roquefort, Pont-l'Évêque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Boursin, Bresse-Bleu, Perle de Champagne, Camenbert, Gouda, Edam, Caithness, Smoked Austrian, Sage Darby, Wensleydale, Gorgonzola, Parmesan, Mozzarella, Pippo Crème, Danish Fynbo, Czechoslovakian Sheep's Milk Cheese, Venezuelan Beaver Cheese, Cheddar, Ilchester, and Limberger.

Sheep) Dennis Moore & Lupins
- from episode 37 (YouTube)

The tales of little-known highway robber Dennis Moore have been brought to life during several segments of episode 37.

"Stand and deliver! Drop that gun!" (He shoots a man) "Let that be a warning to you all. You move at your peril, for I have two pistols here. I know one of them isn't loaded any more, but the other one is, so that's one of you dead for sure...or just about for sure anyway. It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it because I'm a very good shot. I practice every day...well, not absolutely every day, but most days in the week...I expect I must practice, oh, at least four or five times a week at least...at least four or five, only some weekends...like last weekend, there really wasn't the time, so that moved the average down a bit...but I should say it's definitely a solid four days' practice a week...at least"

Once again the Pythons' take a sharp knife to the potbelly of historic complacency, with this searing portrayal of how the real highway robbers probably behaved. Later in the show Moore even takes to stealing flowers off the rich, and did I mention there's a song too?

10) Face the Press
- from episode 14 (YouTube)

"Hello. Tonight on 'Face the Press' we're going to examine two different views of contemporary things. On my left is the Minister for Home Affairs who is wearing a striking organza dress in pink tulle, with matching pearls and a diamante collar necklace. The shoes are in brushed pigskin with gold clasps, by Maxwell of Bond Street. The hair is by Roger, and the whole ensemble is crowned by a spectacular display of Christmas orchids. And on my right - putting the case against the Government - is a small patch of brown liquid."

Ah yes, had to fit in one of those panel/news shows the Pythons' are so fond of spoofing. I could also have chosen the one where Terry Jones attempts to interview a duck, a cat and a lizard, but that one doesn't make me cramp up with laughter the way this sketch does. It's the voice that does it.

11) Dirty Hungarian phrasebook
- from episode 25 (YouTube)

A foreigner enters a tobacconist and attempts to buy some cigarettes, with the help of a somewhat misleading phrasebook.

"Er, do you want ... do you want to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?
"I don't think you're using that right."
"You great poof."
"That'll be six and six, please."
"If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I am no longer infected."

Coming in at the very last spot, I have to mention this fantastic sketch, which carries with it a frightening, mind-blowing, eye-opening realization: What if they made a wrong phrasebook? How would you ever know? You put your entire life in the hands of phrasebook-makers, what if they were up to no good?

The sketch also contains three of my favorite Python lines: "My hovercraft is full of eels," "Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait till lunchtime," and the exquisite "My nipples explode with delight." You can get far in this world with just those three lines.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Not the list you expected, eh? Well, The Parrot sketch, Ministry of Silly Walks, the Spanish inquisition, and all those other sketches everybody knows... I figured they were in the penalty box.

There's not much else to say is there? Never trust anybody who can't appreciate Monty Python, and watch the show as often as you can.