Top 15 of 2019

Here we go. The best film experiences I had in 2019. Now, we're talking! I'm expecting spaceships! Submarines! Cheesy love stories! All the things we love the most.

THE LIST

15) Triple Frontier

On paper this sounds like any old direct-to-video action movie, but wait. First of all it's directed by J.C. Chandor, who did All is Lost and Margin Call. So right there you know we're in a different, much more classy arena than any old Seagal movie. Then it's got gruff Batman-era Ben Affleck, and the often likeable Oscar Isaac in the leads. On top of that it's a heist movie! Forget the hopeless Netflix description, this is simply a super cool heist movie in a jungle! It's a macho film for sure, but it's got a bit more edge than one would expect from such a film.

14) Captive State

There are some very peculiar aspects about this Alien invasion movie. The actual invasion is covered during the credits, so it's already over when the film begins. At one point the lead character disappears from the screen for over 20 minutes. And the movie as a whole feels like the middle part of a trilogy, except there is no part 1 or 3. Having said that, Captive State has got some moves. It's intense, it covers relevant social and political issues, and the whole atmosphere is almost suffocating at times. In a good way. It almost plays like a war film, one of those that depict how it feels to live under the rule of a foreign invading force. And on top of that it's got aliens! Really freaky looking ones too. 

13) Clara

This is a fairly low-budget film. A simple love story between two people. Except it's also a film about the search for intelligent life in the universe. Arguably the biggest question in science. The way this film juxtaposes these two completely different stories is fascinating. Real-life couple Patrick J. Adams and Troian Bellisario sell the intimate love-story so beautifully, and the film doesn't dumb down the technical aspects of the science part of the equation. 

12) Ford v Ferrari (Le Mans '66)

The true story about how Ford got pissed that Ferrari didn't think they were cool and decided to kick the greasy bastards at their own game. This is a delightfully cocky film. It does require a bit of interest in cars and race-car driving, but if you can muster that, you're in for a treat. Super slick, good-looking, old-fashioned Hollywood filmmaking at its best from James Mangold, with captivating performances from Matt Damon and Christian Bale. 

11) The Gangster, The Cop, The Devil

The setup for this is so unusual. There's a serial killer. And there's a cop who can't catch him. But then we add a seasoned gangster who miraculously survives an attack from the killer. Now the gangster needs to show he's still in control by catching the killer, so he strikes a deal with the cop! It's sounds a bit silly perhaps, but the film plays it surprisingly straight and even includes the legal aftermath of the events, while taking a few jabs at the judicial system. Still, it's those scenes where the disrespectful young punk of a cop and the ice-cold vicious gangster go toe-to-toe that truly make this film irresistible. 

10) Dora and the Lost City of Gold

No, don't laugh at me. And don’t be so judgy. That's not nice, and also, you haven't seen this movie, right? 

This live-action remake of the animated kids show Dora The Explorer turned up the age level, added some self-referential humor and topped it off with a giant dollop of spunkiness. Isabela Moner in the lead is so utterly charming that it’s impossible not to smile when she’s on the screen. Sure, the core story is fairly silly, Indiana Jones light stuff, but that doesn’t matter when you're in such good company along the way. And you will sing the theme song to yourself when it's over. Oh yes, you will!

9) Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

JJ Abrams had an almost impossible task on his hands, even bigger than the one he had in 2015, when he was asked to create the first real Star Wars film since 1983. With Rise of Skywalker he had to deal with Rian Johnson's Burn-It-All-Down divisive The Last Jedi, and he had to deliver a film that somehow resolved the new trilogy and the whole 9-movie Skywalker saga. He almost succeeded. Almost. The final movie bears the marks of a chaotic switch behind the camera, a shortened pre-production phase and the loss of the movie's biggest star. The opening is a mess (you never open a film with a montage - never!), the core story is dangerously close to Marvel's utter shittastic "let's find a purple dice" plots, and the whole project generally feels a bit rushed.

However, it also has an ingenious bad guy, truly interesting good vs evil / nature vs nurture plot strains and a genuinely moving final image. It also manages to tie the most central piece of the puzzle together - the story of the two lead characters - despite the different directions Force Awakens and The Last Jedi seemed to be heading in. And there are quite a few stunning visuals too. I saw it twice just to be sure it didn't deserve a higher placement. I'm confident it belongs here.

8) Into The Dark: The Body

I was expecting very little when I decided to watch all 12 horror movies of the first season of Into the Dark. The Body was the first and the best (though a few others came close). It was the Halloween story and that was the exact right setting for this devilish little tale of a hit man who is forced to join a Halloween party dragging an actual dead body. The two leads were marvellous and I could have spent an hour more in their company. 

7) Abominable

I did two things after I watched this film on VOD. I immediately ordered the 4K disc and I bought a small plush toy version of the eponymous creature. That should tell you all you need to know. I freakin’ loved this adorable animated movie. It's got a little more focus on heart than on humor, compared to most animated films. It's feels less aggressive. The girl in the lead is cute as a button, the abominable one is an irresistible fluffy delight, and the journey they take together feels honest and relevant. And I hope they never make a sequel because this is perfect just the way it is.

6) The Aeronauts

Fun, energetic adventure film about a timid meteorologist and an emotionally scarred ballon operator who try to break the record for the highest ascent. Some will try to sell The Aeronauts as the reunion of Eddie Redmayne and Felicity Jones, the team from The Theory of Everything, but this is a much more delightful and fresh film that doesn't feel like a chore you have to sit through. The story is tight, focused, and so bloody thrilling. This is a beautiful, magical movie.

5) The Man with the Magic Box

2030. A man in Warsaw begins to suspect that his radio is a time machine. I mean, if you're not already hooked.... This is a fascinating, twisty, timey-wimey, science fiction, neo noir flick. It's gorgeous! It's challenging! And it's Polish! It's got traces of Children of Men, Twelve Monkeys, Blade Runner and Dark City in its DNA. The core of the movie, though, and the reason it works is the heartbreaking love story. I have to see this again. Soon.

4) The Peanut Butter Falcon

Newcomer Zack Gottsagen plays a young man with Downs Syndrome, who just wants to meet his wrestling idol. Shia LaBeouf plays the shady fisherman who ends up helping him. The adventure they take on is simple, but this movie hit me square in the heart, and I enjoyed the hell out of every moment I got to spend with these two devils. I found it impossible not to fall in love with this charming little tale. It’s got so much heart and the film deals so elegantly with its main themes. Shia is such a good dude, he deserves a break!

3) In the Shadow of the Moon

You thought you signed on for a serial killer thriller, but the first scene already gives the clue away. The year is 2024 and then we go back to 1988. Yes, this is a time travel story! We follow a cop on the trail of a mysterious killer who seems to show up every 9 years. The first half hour of this is insane. If you’re not hooked by then, you’re either dead, or you haven’t been born yet (see, time travel humor). 

With each time jump we learn more and more about the bizarre situation, which reveals a harrowing plot, far removed from the story the opening act seems to suggest. The film is inventive, stylish, and with a challenging moral dilemma at the core. Netflix bought it, which always makes one suspect that something went wrong along the way. It didn’t. This is as sharp and gripping as they come.

2) Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

The biggest surprise last year was this animated treasure-trove. Coming at the tail-end of Marvel's unbearable barrage of assembly-line crap and the third live-action reboot of the web-slinging favorite, this still managed to find some heart in the familiar story, and an angle that felt fresh and new.

First of all this is a truly stunning film. I mean it's unbelievably beautiful. The kind of film that makes you wish you could nominate animated films for best cinematography at all the awards (Well, I guess technically you can, it's just not done). The visual style is an explosion of inventiveness, and it's much too dense to absorb in one sitting. I've seen this three times now, and every viewing brought new things to light. There are so many wonderful, thoughtful details. Plus, it's a delightful story! It's inclusive, it's aspirational. It's what a good superhero movie should be.

1) The Irishman

I was so nervous about this. I loved the book. I loved Goodfellas. I was so ready for the perfect combination of director, cast and source material. And I got it! 

The Irishman lived up to all my expectations! The CGI de-aging was a non-issue, the choices made in the adaptation made sense to me, and boy was it great to watch DeNiro, Pacino and Pesci together again for the first time doing what they do best. I know it's three and a half hours long, and you must watch it in once sitting, and it can't be on a smartphone, but if you give this film the treatment it deserves, I promise you it'll make it worth your while. And no, I'm not going to call this an offer you can't refuse. You absolutely can refuse this offer. But you'll be missing out on a true gem. One of those "They don't make 'em like they used to"-films we always say want more of.

WRAP-UP

And there you have it. 2019 is done!

Bottom 15 of 2019

It's the end of a decade (sort of, not really, let's not get into that), but before we can look back at the past 10 years we have to complete the top and bottom lists for the past year. So without further ado, here are the worst movie experiences I had last year.

THE LIST

15) Brightburn

What if Superman turned evil when he was a kid? That's the premise of the film. And also the entire plot. Nothing happens here that you can't predict based on that one-line description. And it's just as excruciatingly dull as it seems.

14) 6 Underground

Michael Bay went from solid action director to "for the love of all things good and true please make it stop!" in the span of two decades. He’s the only filmmaker of that magnitude who seems to have devolved rather than evolved as he grew older and gained experience. 6 Underground proved beyond any doubt that his time has come and gone. Just watch the first 20 minutes of this film! Your brain will start to melt and leak out of your ears. It's loud, incoherent, and brash. The definition of everything that's wrong with modern action movies. Also, we've seen it all before. Plus that "30-years-too-old-to-hang-out-with-a-bunch-of-models" playlist Bay's got going on the soundtrack doesn't help him either. Can I tell you what I want, what I really really want? I want Bay to go back to basics, stop trying make his movies louder, faster and bigger. Make them stronger, more focused, more elegant. I don't say this often, but act your damn age, Mikey.

13) Gemini Man

Why in poo-perfect hell would you make this movie? The story is utterly stupid, even Steven Seagal would have rejected this plot for one of his 11 direct-to-video films this year. Why on earth would a younger clone of a trained assassin be the perfect person to take down his older counterpart? Wouldn't the exact opposite be true, when you think about it?

Director Ang Lee thought this was a great story apparently, and the perfect opportunity to play with high frame rates (which no one likes) and digital characters (which no one buys), and have two Will Smiths running around (which no one asked for). The film is going to lose its backers $100 million. I hope that's high enough for Hollywood to learn something. But I doubt it.

12) 3022

There's a space station. Something goes wrong. The people on the station have to fix it or die. How hard can it be to make at least a passable film based on this setup? I’m usually somewhat forgiving when it comes to low-budget science fiction movies with an interesting idea, but this one failed miserably on so many levels. The first line of the first opening text, before the film has even begun, raises multiple questions about the story, the setup and the mental capacity of the writers. The. First. Line. And then it just gets worse from there. A confusing setup, fumbling scenes, a complete lack of the most basic scientific knowledge are just some of the problems that drive this clunker into the ground. There's a tiny bit of redemption in the finale, but most people will have wandered into the airlock by then.

11)  Us

Jordan Peele’s follow-up to Get Out was doomed to fail from the word go. No way he could hit even close to that same mark again, so what did he do instead? He doubled down. He made an even weirder film, with an even more Twilight Zone-ish plot than Get Out, but it just doesn't work this time around. The twists are deeply unsatisfying, and the film isn't even all that scary, because it takes so much effort trying to figure out how this all fits together (and you can't) that you don't have time to enjoy the story. Add to that a clumsy and inelegant political agenda and you've got a deeply disappointing film on your hands.

Us does have an intriguing setup, but once you realize where it’s going, it becomes tiresome real quick. And then you realize where it’s going to END and it just becomes straight up laughable. Perhaps you'll even get pissed. I know I did.

10) The Haunting of Sharon Tate

That other 2019 movie that uses the Tate murders for its own distasteful amusement. This movie is extremely bad, but it's a direct-to-video-ish film with Hilary Duff as Sharon Tate, so I don't expect much from it. The Haunting of Sharon Tate milks that one horrible night for everything it's got by attempting to turn the event into a supernatural thriller, where Tate sort of had predictions about her upcoming fate, while it indulges in the same perverted alternate history wish-fulfilment as Once Upon... It doesn't work for either film, but it least no one saw this one.

9) Into the Dark: Flesh & Blood

I've seen plenty of dull movies with unambitious stories, but for some reason this one bothered me the most. It was the second episode of the first season of Hulu's Into the Dark series. The first movie was fantastic, setting this one up for an even bigger fail. The first movie showed how the format could be used to delightful perfection. This one showed the exact opposite. A dull, one-note story, with one blatantly obvious trick up its sleeves which it milks to no effect for 85-ish minutes. Most movies accomplish more in a single scene than this one did during its entire running time. 

8) A.I. Rising

This film is stuck in a dilemma. It wants to tell a story about an AI powered android and the astronaut who falls in love with her, but it's completely distracted by the fact that a real life porn star has been hired to play the robot. If you hire a porn star, you'll want to see her do porn star stuff, so the film is full of sex-scenes. Except this is not a porn movie, so she can't REALLY do porn star stuff. In between the sex-scenes we get to see the robot recharge naked (as you do), while we deal with that pesky astronaut and his feelings. Total boner killer. But then the robot is back and we can have another slow-motion sex-scene! YES! Or no, as it were. There's the seed for a cool science fiction movie, buried deep within A.I. Rising, but if we're being honest with ourselves, the film mostly comes across a good-looking, but tame softcore erotic video.

7) Bohemian Rhapsody

This sloppy, inaccurate biopic is the most baffling runaway hit in recent memory. It made almost A BILLION DOLLARS at the box office. Rami Malek won the Oscar for a truly unimpressive performance, where it's hard to focus on anything other than his false teeth and attention-seeking mustache! It even won the single most undeserved Oscar the Academy has ever given out in the Best Editing category (yes, I checked the archives).

The film's sordid production history is legendary, and Bohemian Rhapsody looks and feels like it was slapped together with whatever material was caught on film when they gave up trying to shoot it. It's an extremely frustrating watch, and worst of all, the film plays fast and loose with historical facts, so much so that it's completely useless at telling the story of Queen, and completely misleading when it comes to their legendary lead-singer. It can't even get Queen's undeniably catchy music to work. In fact, it kinda makes you hate their songs little bit. Now that took some skills!

6) Alita: Battle Angel

On paper I get how this could have looked like a good idea, but within the first few seconds of the trailer you could tell how this monstrosity would turn out. The almost childishly simple script from James Cameron is where the trouble starts, but every step after that makes it worse until we end up at the lead character - uncanny valley personified. This is not a movie. It's a dull, predictable, ugly, soulless, heartless, empty product. But we ain't buying. I want a sequel to this less than I want a sequel to Avatar. That says it all.

5) Once Upon a Time... In Hollywood

This film could just almost have been number 1 on this list. The technical expertise on display and the charisma of the actors involved prevented this, but make no mistake about it, I loathed everything else about Once Upon a Time... This is peak Tarantino obnoxiousness. Overlong, dull, simple-minded and self-indulgent. If you made it through Django Unchained and The Hateful Eight, you may very well have thought "Well, it can’t get any worse!" Tarantino is here to prove you wrong.

This isn’t a story about Hollywood, it’s not a movie about the 60s turning into the 70s, it’s not a story about the Manson murders. Hell, it’s barely a story at all. This is about a TV actor who once had a show and kinda wishes he had another. And then he has a friend. The End. That’s it. That is literally it. It looks deceptively cool, but beneath the shiny veneer, there's a gaping hole of nothingness, solidifying Tarantino’s pole position in the "wow, someone should say 'no' to him" category. And don’t get me started on the bafflingly and miscalculated, deeply offensive finale, where Tarantino bastardizes history for his own shallow amusement. Sharon Tate has already been butchered once. There's no reason to put her through that again.

4) Robin Hood (2018)

Remember that adventure story they already turned into a fun romp with Errol Flynn, a classic animated Disney film and an irresistible 90's Kevin Costner vehicle? Yeah? Why don't we make that dark and broody? That's a great idea! Then we could hire that obnoxious Taron Egerton guy! Only if that less talented Ansel Elgort isn't available! Deal! Can we make it anachronistic too and pretend it’s a style? Sure we can! Let's go, everybody! Dumb is the new black! Sorry Jamie.

3) Primal

What is the world coming to when you can't even trust a Nicolas Cage B-movie to be entertaining and silly in the right way? There’s a trained assassin and a dangerous animal on a container ship, and Cage has to chase them both. How can you not make that work?! Nic, call me next time. I’ll have a script ready for you in a week. And then I’ll have spent 7 times longer writing it than the folks behind Primal spent on their script.

2) The Courier

Laughably inept low-budget action flick that somehow managed to con both Gary Oldman and Olga Kurylenko into signing on. Olga plays a courier who has to protect a witness set to testify again bad guy Oldman. Oldman was on the set for a day or two I suspect. Almost the entire plot takes place in an underground parking garage. It does nothing. It’s about nothing. The scenes are full of nothing. The dialogue is pure nothing. It's almost fascinating to watch this train-wreck unfold. I had a great time turning it into a fun review for my podcast, so that’s my excuse for finishing it. Most people will not have a similar excuse and should avoid it at all cost.

1) Rambo: Last Blood

The hopefully last Rambo movie managed to be both spectacularly unambitious AND fail miserably. Not only is there no reason for a Rambo 5 to exist, in light of the pitch perfect end to the fourth film, the story it chooses to tell is so lackluster and banal that it’s hard to fathom why anybody even bothered. Plus, it's already been done 10.000 times better in Taken. On top of that Rambo: Last Blood is so fucking stupid. Even in the context of a Sylvester Stallone Rambo movie it’s dumb. Rambo was never the sharpest tool in the box, but here, he seems almost mentally impaired in some way. 

I like dumb, loud action movies, but even the most clueless action movie fan will be hard pressed to find more than a minute or two worth their time in this utter bore. This is weaker than most of the Steven Seagal or JCVD direct-to-video movies I’ve seen. To paraphrase The Bard. This is a tale told by an idiot, for idiots, full of emptiness, signifying nothing.

WRAP-UP

I decided not to make a Bottom 20 or 25 this year, though I could have. There are some truly bad movies hiding just outside this list, but we mustn't dwell, let's look forward to the best of 2019!

2019: The Stats

Time for that time again! The time when we reveals our stats for the previous year, regarding movies and TV-shows watched. I've been keeping rigorous track of this since 2008, and it's always fun to look back and compare.

Number of films watched in 2019:

263

Comparison:
- 2018 (290) - 2017 (263) - 2016 (288)
- 2015 (307) - 2014 (331) - 2013 (401) - 2012 (405)
- 2011 (343) - 2010 (338) - 2009 (302) - 2008 (361)

Breakdown:
- Films watched for the first time: 142
- Re-watched films: 121


Films in play for the top/bottom lists:

103

Quality distribution (of new films):

Good: 53
Meh: 25
Bad: 25

Format distribution:

4K: 17
Blu-ray: 140
DVD: 3
VOD: 95
Other: 2
Cinema: 6


Decade-of-release distribution:

1930's: 1 film
1940's: 1 film
1950's: 9 films
1960's: 13 film
1970's: 10 films
1980's: 13 films
1990's: 24 films
2000's: 20 films
2010's: 172 films (2017: 14 / 2018: 43 / 2019: 71)

Most watched films:

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (3 times)
Pokémon Detective Pikachu (3 times)
The Irishman (2 times)
Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (2 times)

TV-SHOW STATS

I feel like I should add a comment to this section. I've been horrible at TV-shows in 2019. Horrible. I was so good in 2018, but this year.... damn.

Number of TV-show episodes watched:
(not counting old episodes of Mythbusters or game shows)

180

Number of different TV shows watched:

36

Complete seasons watched:

12

TWELVE?! It was 37 last year! And it was 513 episodes watched! Holy crap!

In all fairness I have tried to get hooked on new shows. Here's a list of shows I tried but abandoned after 1 or 2 episodes:

Another Life
Batwoman
Carnival Row
City on A Hill
For All Mankind
His Dark Materials
Hot Zone
Jett
LA's Finest
Nightflyers
Watchmen

I also did watch more than 400 episodes of Pointless. But we're not counting game shows, so...

FINAL THOUGHTS

That's all I got for now. Time to start making those top/bottom lists I love so much. Stay tuned. Watch this space. And may the Force be with you.