Dear Academy,

I'm glad to see that you're listening.

Now, fix the other things we talked about.

All the best

- David

The Art of the (Unofficial) Audio Commentary

I appologize in advance for the inside baseball nature of this post, but what can I say, this has been on my mind lately.

INT. YE OLDE RADIO STUDIO - AFTERNOON - TEA TIME

As regular readers will know I do a weekly podcast with my special friend Mr. Dennis Rosenfeld (no, not "special" like that). Recently we recorded our third unofficial audio commentary (in English obviously).

(Don't know what an audio commentary is? Check this out)

There's a whole subculture of geeks recording similar tracks and I've begun to listen to them, to get a better idea about what's out there. I quickly discovered that it's quite a mixed bag.

I've listened to official audio commentaries since I got my first LaserDisc player in the early 90's, so I know what constitutes a good commentary track. I also know that an audio commentary is a perfect delivery system for information about a film.

Having listened to other unofficial commentary tracks, it dawned on me that most of the commentators don't realize what an awesome medium they're dealing with.

To help those unfortunate soul, and to guide myself in my upcoming adventures into the world of commentaries, I've compiled this list of guidelines, when recording an unofficial audio commentary.

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THE LIST

1) Is a commentary the right thing for you?

Be sure that the information you want to share is even suited for a commentary.

If you plan to talk for hours about the nature of humankind, only occasionally referring to the characters on the screen, then perhaps you should record a podcast with your thoughts instead.

2) Know why you're doing THIS commentary.

Don't just record a commentary for the hell of it. Don't just do it because it's your favorite film, or the film you hate the most. Make sure you actually have something to say. I have favorite films I wouldn't dream of recording a commentary for, because I wouldn't know what to say.

Also, check out what's already our there. Perhaps the world doesn't need yet another audio commentary where a few geeks trash The Phantom Menace? I'm just saying.

3) Do your research.

A commentary track is about delivering information. Whether you're focused on technical details, trivia, personal observations, analysis, or a little bit of everything, research is the key. It's okay to speculate about themes and characters. It's not okay to speculate about facts.

Also, avoid simply describing what happens on the screen (but keep in mind that it's okay to set up certain details, because people will often hear the track separately from the film).

4) Have fun with your friends.

... Just don't record it and call it an audio commentary.

There's nothing worse than those tracks where a few friends sit down with beers and watch a movie. They share inside jokes, talk about what happened last week, a YouTube video they saw, and perhaps they do funny voices or mock the dialogue.

Ask yourself, who would listen to this and why? Even if - by some miracle - you actually find an audience who likes to listen to your nonsense, why limit yourself to the commentary format? Hit record, open the floodgates, publish as a podcast, and be done with it. Don't crowd the unofficial commentary scene.

5) Know your audience and make sure they know you.

Start by introducing yourself properly (give your full name). You can't assume the listener has heard anything you've done before, or know who you are, so tell them. Quickly and efficiently in a way that won't bother those who already know you.

Your audience is here because they want to hear you talk about a certain film. "Film" is the keyword in that sentence. They don't care what you think, unless you explain yourself with decent arguments, and they certainly won't care what you had for breakfast, or what color of socks you're wearing.

6) Sound is important.

An audio commentary is an audio medium. After all, it's right there in the phrase. Be sure you have a good sound quality. Make sure all the commentators speak into the mike, and don't compress the audio file so much that the audio quality suffers.

Commentators in different locations can use Skype to connect with each other, but then they must each record their own voice, to avoid that inferior Skype call quality. Unless Spielberg calls you up to participate avoid Skype quality calls at ALL cost.

Also, regarding the number of hosts... Go for two, or three at the most. One commentator is boring and a larger group is confusing. Your goal is clarity, both regarding the sound quality and content.

7) Don't try to be funny.

Know that you're not funny.

If you were really funny you would be a comedian and you would have no time for this commentary nonsense. If you want to be a comedian, go to an open mike night and practice. Don't record an audio commentary.

I'm not saying you shouldn't have fun and try to entertain your audience, but we're here to listen to you talk about a movie. Period. And as I mentioned earlier, remember that you're not funny anyway.

8) Respect the film.

This is even more important if you hate it.

Anybody can sit down and make fun of a film. Simply recording such a conversation is pathetic and stupid. It's okay to do a commentary for a film you don't like, but then your job is to explain WHY you don't like it, and possibly offer suggestions that could improve the film.

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FINAL THOUGHTS

Well, these are my personal recommendations, based on my personal preferences. As I begin my preparation for the fourth audio commentary from Double D's Definitive DVD Podcast I leave you with this thought:

If a listener is ready to spend 2 hours in your company, have the common decency to make sure they don't waste their time.

FADE OUT.

Words to Live by

INT. FILM DUNGEON - NOON

The idea of a "top movie quotes" list is not exactly new. Thousands and thousands of such lists are created EVERY second somewhere in the world. Or something. But instead of a traditional "best of" list, how about doing a "my personal favorites" list? A list of movie quotes I, myself, actually use every day!

So without further ado, here's a list of stuff you can actually hear me say on a daily basis!

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MY PERSONAL TOP MOVIE QUOTES LIST

"Nonsense, Maurice!"
from Madagascar (2005)

A quote from one of my favorite films, and a handy put down of anyone who dares to say something I disagree with (it happens more often than you'd think). You have to say it, though, in that weird King Julian accent.

"My nipples explode with delight!"
from the Monty Python sketch Dirty Hungarian Phrasebook

I could probably litter this page with Monty Python quotes if I so desired, but I won't. To compensate, I've chosen this unbeatable quote, which is actually from the TV-show. You will find it impossible to express unadulterated excitement any other way from now on!

"How long is this going to take?!"
from Madagascar (2005)

Ever find yourself being impatient with something, like a computer or a co-worker? Try screaming this at them, again, you have to use that King Julian accent.

"This isn't going to have a happy ending..."
from Se7en (1995)

On top of being the best film ever made, Se7en sports this chilling quote from the stoic Morgan Freeman, spoken at a particularly crucial time in the film. You can use this, as you embark on a futile endeavour, you just can't get out of.

"You are a sad, strange little man."
from Toy Story (1995)

You might get slapped in the face when you say this to someone, but it's so worth it. Watch the utter horror in the eyes of a friend or foe, as you obliterate their soul and crush their spirit with this perfect prose. Works on girls too.

"The horror... The horror..."
from Apocalypse Now (1979)

In the face of stupidity, shock or disbelief, you can't go wrong with the classic closing line from Francis Ford Coppola's epic war film. Also a great way to call out posers. People who have actually seen the film will nod silently, posers will ruin the moment with talk.

"I can't talk about it and I can't talk about why."
from Ocean's Twelve (2004)

Speaking of talk (Wow! That's kinda meta!) If you ever need to hint at some information to somebody, while pointing out that they are not cool enough to be completely included, this is the way to go! Try channeling Brad Pitt's suave attitude when you use it.

"Here she comes to wreck the daaaaaaay!"
from Liar Liar (1997)

Scream this when a dear friend (preferably male) enters the room. Works best if complete strangers are watching.

"They mostly come at night. Mostly."
from Aliens (1986)

There's not really any immediately obvious use for this, I'll admit, it just sort of pops of every so often, when you're in geek company!

"Damn! That's good TV!"
from Showtime (2002)

You can use this when you marvel at a superior TV-show, or you can use it when you're mocking a truly atrocious one, which - let's face it - is more likely to happen.

FADE IN:

BONUS: THREE UTTER NONSENSE QUOTES

"Your lies are like bananas. They come in big yellow bunches."
from Wrongfully Accused (1998)

This is the best line Leslie Nielsen ever spoke. Ever.

"We mohst contaarct the zeeeenat!" "Are you braindead?"
from Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (1999)

Well, this wonderful classic exchange is not even the worst thing in the movie. You have to get the weird Asian accents just right, though.

"My earpiece in failing, you got me on GPS!"
from Mission: Impossible II (2000)

This is what happens when you work in a DVD store and have the same damn movie running in the background for a week. You'll pick up increasingly random quotes from films.

BONUS: THREE "CHARM THE PANTS OF A FILM GEEK" QUOTES

No titles or explanations here. You have to know these, or be square.

"Do you REALLY believe that there's some stored up conflict that exists between us? There IS no us. WE don't exist. So who do you wanna hit, man? It's not me."

"How do I make a film called the Old Mill, when I don't have an old mill?"
"Well, first you gotta change the title"

"Your best? Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and f**k the prom queen." "Carla was the prom queen!" "Really?"

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FINAL THOUGHTS

Since I quote movies more often than I breathe I'm sure I forgot some, watch out for a 2.0 list!

Also, please leave your favorite quotes in the comments below.

And with that it's game over man, it's game over!

FADE TO BLACK

Acknowledgements

Thanx to Dennis Rosenfeld, who often finds himself the target of these quotes!