F**k you, pay me

So here we are. Time to box up 2018 and put it in storage. The world is still standing - barely - so there's no excuse not to follow tradition: One last post on the last day of the year.

Recently I was cleaning out my closet and I came across my old LaserDisc collection (Yes, I’ve still got them. No, they are not properly displayed) and I came across this gem:

It got me thinking about the things we still don't have as we prepare to leave 2018.

No The Abyss in HD

We still don't have a Blu-ray release of The Abyss! We don't even have a proper DVD! And we certainly don't have a nice shiny brand new 4K scan! James Cameron needs to pull his head out of his ass and make this his top priority. Understand this, James Cameron: We don't give a flying FUCK about more Avatar movies, the first one was embarrassing enough, we don't really need or want any sequels. Yeah, I know, there are tons of rumors saying that The Abyss is right on the verge of coming out on Blu-ray, but we're finishing up 2018, and it's not here yet, so fuck you, Cameron. Fuck you and the mo-capped horse you rode in on. Get back to work and stop wasting our time.

No Star Wars in HD

And speaking of things we still don't have...

There are fans out there who have gotten hold of a print of Star Wars. A proper celluloid, 1977 theatrical version print. They scanned the material into a computer themselves. They meticulously cleaned it up. And then they uploaded it to the internet. All this is of course completely illegal, so why did they do it? So that all Star Wars fans can enjoy the film as it was originally intended! With the original dodgy optical work, without those silly Lucas additions. The proper 1977 version. Why are they forced to do this? Because the powers that be STILL haven't pulled their collective heads out of their asses and given Star Wars a proper HD release.

That's right! We can't get the PROPER, ORIGINAL version of the film that started the most influential and awesome film franchise in the galaxy. First Lucas though he could do whatever he wanted with the Star Wars movies (he was mistaken). Now Disney can't get their act together and get shit done (partially because of legal issues, I believe). And meanwhile all the proper Star Wars fans are screaming, begging, hoping for a breakthrough. We just want OUR movie, in the version we fell in love with originally.

No indie in HD

Which brings me to another bone of contention: VOD releases. I love coming across tiny indie films on the VOD platforms. I love discovering gems I have zero information about before I watch them. But then, when I'm done watching them, and realize how awesome they are, I want them on Blu-ray. I want them on my shelves in HD. That is apparently a tall order.

So many VOD releases are never subsequently released on physical media. And sidebar: Real men watch discs. So do real women. If you only stream, you are a cockroach and you should die (too much? I can never tell). Anyway, proper film geeks who aren't lazy, troll-like bags of shit (I went over the top again, didn't I?) want to buy the films they love and have them on their freakin' shelves. Is that so difficult to understand? The worst part is, when those VOD releases do come out on physical media, it's often only on DVD! Well that's just straight up abuse! That's high treason, that’s what that is!

WRAP-UP

In the big scheme of things, mere mortal film-geeks' wishes may seem entirely inconsequential... if you are a mentally impaired douchebag, of course. NOTHING is more important than film-geeks and what we want. Listen, moronic studio bosses who control all this stuff... That leather chair you're sitting in? WE paid for that! We paid for your luxury car, your fancy house. Take a look at your wife. Yeah, we paid for THOSE too. You owe us EVERYTHING. And now we're here to collect. 2018 left us with very little patience. We may have traded our horse and carriage for a smartphone, but we kept our pitchforks. Get. This. Done.

Wait, This Isn't Out on Blu-ray? (part I)

INT. MOVIE VAULT - HIGH NOON

You know the feeling, right?

You walk over to your Blu-ray shelf to pull down that classic movie you love so much. Then you pause, it dawns on you that it's not going to be there. You never actually bought it. Oh sure you have the DVD, probably the LaserDisc too, and maybe even the VHS tucked away in the basement somewhere, but you don't have the shiny new high-def transferred Blu-ray.

And then you realize the terrible truth: That's because it's not out yet!

This is a list of movies I desperately want on Blu-ray.

No reason to go into a long speech about why, I just want them. Now. No questions asked.

CUT TO:

THE LIST

The Abyss (1989)
- Can you believe the DVD I have isn't even in anamorphic widescreen?!

Salute of the Jugger (1989)
- No, I mean a proper version, not the edited AND pan/scanned one released in Scandinavia.

Young Sherlock Holmes (1985)

Pretty in Pink (1986)
- It's John Hughes! What are you doing?! Get this out on disc!

Some Kind of Wonderful (1987)
- It's effing John Hughes! What the eff are you doing?! Get this out on effing disc!

Dragonslayer (1981)

Stakeout (1987)

Romeo Is Bleeding (1993)

Little Darlings (1980)
- It's Tatum O'Neal and Kristy McNichol being slutty! Come on!

The Thing (1951)

Year of the Dragon (1985)

Great Expectations (1998)
- Screw the Lean version, THIS is the one I want!

Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed (2004)

Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning (2004)

Nobody's Fool (1994)
- Paul Newman AND Jessica Tandy died making this (well, not really) and you can't give this a proper release? Come on!

Last Night (1999)

Spartan (2004)

Cast a Deadly Spell (1991)

The Gate (1987)
- As a general rule ALL 80's movies should be out on Blu-ray.

The Golden Child (1986)

Alien Nation (1988)
- The aliens get drunk on sour milk! Come on!

Solar Crisis (1990)
- Yeah, I know it's shit, but it's sci-fi, and I want it!

CUT TO:

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Oh, and you thought that was it? Noooooo! How about these?

The Gate II, Multiplicity, Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Fright Night II, Remember the Daze, Crossroads, What a Girl Wants, Life as a House, Lost & Delirious, Threesome, Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys, Spice World, Dancing at the Blue Iguana, General’s Daughter, A Better Way to Die, Wind Chill and Wisegirls.

I want every single one of these, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Okay, maybe Spice World a little bit. Actually no, I love it.

WRAP-UP

Now, I don't claim to be perfect (not true, I claim that all the time), but on the off chance that any of these are available anywhere, PLEASE email me!

Oh, and as you'll notice I've called this part I, because you know there's going to be a part II, right? Those freakin' guys just won't release the blu-rays I want.

CUT TO BLACK

Short posts

I should start writing some short posts. That way I could actually add some content to this blog. Just a thought.

10 Things Mission Impossible 5 Needs to Get Right

As you'll recall I did an audio commentary with my buddy Dennis Rosenfeld for Mission Impossible (1996) a few months ago. It was an awesome experience. I watched a ton of the old TV episodes, but I also watched the four feature films with Tom Cruise. The second movie is one of my all time favorite action movies, but in terms of making an actual Mission Impossible movie, however, none of the feature films got it right.

And now we're going to get a fifth Mission: Impossible film. Tom Cruise is still the man in charge, and J.J. Abrams is still producing. This concerns me.

Abrams' MI3 got it very wrong indeed. And MI4 got even further away from the core concept of the show. It struck me that these people have no idea what a Mission: Impossible movie is, or should be, so here's a list of 10 things they need to get right to accomplish that mission.

Now, listen up Tom and J.J...

1) It's Mission: Impossible, but don't take it too literally

The "Impossible"-part just refers to the fact that the mission are impossible for regular intelligence agents. It does NOT mean that the missions are over the top, super-human endeavors, where the entire world is at stake. Scale it down, people!

2) There's no I in Mission Impossible

Okay, there's a bunch of I's, but make no mistake: IMF is a team-based organization. We all know Tom Cruise is your golden ticket, but how about casting some big stars as his supporting players, AND give them something to do?

3) Get the style right, just for once

Give us the classic mission-pickup scene, give us the proper team-assembly scene, get the structure right, get the mission right. In short.....

4) Watch the old show

Just watch it dammit! Just watch it! It's pretty damn clever and cool. Do THAT! Don't just make any old generic spy movie. If Ethan Hunt can be substituted for James Bond, discard  your script.

5) No exposition

Part of the cool thing about the old show was that you had to pay attention. Miss a moment, and you miss the plot. That's cool! Don't worry about the average dumb movie-goer, they barely understand anything anyway, you lost them during the toothpaste commercial two hours before the final act. Make a spy movie for grown-up people, and grown-up people will come see it. It's the old "if you built it, they will come" thing.

6) No love story, no family, no friends, no boss

Get rid of all that crap. We don't need it. It's not a part of the Mission: Impossible universe. The mission IS the plot.

7) IMF doesn't have a damn office!

That's all I got. NO OFFICE, dammit. And if you don't get why that's important, you clearly haven't listened to the aforementioned commentary track, so get on that.

8) Drop the humor

No, don't just drop it, obliterate it. Shred it. Disavow it. Self-destruct it. Burn it and forget it ever existed. There's no room for humor in Mission: Impossible. Especially not if it's courtesy of Simon Pegg. In fact, drop Simon Pegg altogether.

9) Get real

We're tired of CGI crap, get back to the origins of the show, cool gadgets, clever cons, no video-game sequences, get it down to earth and keep it real! If you can't shoot it, don't put it in the movie.

10) Don't make a F**KING rogue agent story

Every single one of the four previous Mission: Impossible movies centers around rogue agents. Every. Single. One. It's like Superman losing his powers in very movie, or Enterprise blowing up in every Star Trek story! You just can't do that! You owe os a proper MI movie! Now, get it right, dammit!

FINAL THOUGHTS

Somebody get this to whatever flavor-of-the-month is currently occupying the director's chair on MI5. Get this to Tom Cruise. Get it to J.J. Abrams, because guys.... So far you've been bested by a 47 years old TV show.

The 2013 Summer Preview

Fellow blogger Karsten Nielsen recently asked me, what 2013 summer movies I'm looking forward to. I figured that would be an interesting topic for a blog, not because my personal preferences will somehow change the world, but because it seems to me that I'm looking less and less forward to the big summer movies every year, and how am I supposed to test that theory, unless I sit down and take stock? And so, armed with my Entertainment Weekly, the issues featuring their summer preview, I'll go through all the big budget Hollywood summer blockbusters (and a few other titles) and see where I stand.

NO WAY IN HELL
- Not even if you gave me a free Blu-ray.

Fast & Furious 6
The first Fast & Furious was one of the most unintelligent films ever made. I have refused to see any of the sequels. My money back, with interests, and an official apology from every single person connected to the film would make me reconsider, but let's face it, I'd still not watch.

Other titles: Grown Ups 2, The Heat, The Internship, Planes, The Smurfs 2, and Turbo.

MAYBE ONE DAY
- If I can get it for nothing and if I don't have anything better to do.

After Earth
Will Smith's stupid son Jaden is a movie killer. Everything he touches turns to shite. He is AWFUL. Will himself hasn't had a 100% solid project on his hands in 16 years, and writer/director M. Night Shyamalan has never made a good film. Pass.

Iron Man 3
I don't care. I just don't care. Even if this finally brings us another Shane Black flick, it's trapped in the Marvel patented superhero Universe of Indifference, Special Effects, and Irrelevance (UNINSPIR for short).

Man of Steel
I just can't get over the inherent stupidity of the Superman concept. And moody Superman just seems even worse.

Only God Forgives
Director Nicolas Winding Refns last film - that glorified Steven Seagal project Drive - was a blank stare in the mirror. This one looks equally intellectually stimulating. It also looks like a ripoff of a bunch of classic Hong Kong movies.

Pacific Rim
Oh good, another alien invasion, CGI movie, with no characters, and a plot we've seen a million times. That's new. Yaaaawn. The presence of Nerd King Guillermo del Toro, doesn't give it a free pass, quite the opposite.

RIPD
This uninspired Men in Black remake, with shoddy CGI and cartoonish overacting by Jeff Bridges is the last thing we need.

Other titles: 2 Guns, The Monster University, and The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones.

MILDY (VERY MIDLY) CURIOUS
- Just on the verge of "I don't care".

300: Rise of An Empire
Wow... 300, remember that? Seems like decades ago we fell in love with that movie. Imagine if they had fast-tracked a sequel, it seems too late now. Still, with Eva Green playing the lead it might be worth checking out.

Elysium
Neill Blomkamp should inspire confidence, but this sci-fi film looks awfully generic, and Matt Damon just doesn't do it for me any more.

Kick-Ass 2
I had some reservation about the first film, and since then we've been inundated with "real people pretend to be superheroes" movies. This sequel looks fairly unimaginative.

White House Down
No sure why they're doing a remake of Olympus Has Fallen already. Even less sure why they cast Ken from Barbie to play the lead.

SUFFICIENTLY CURIOUS
- These could be fantastic, but I've got little faith.

The Hangover Part III
We need the third one about as much as we needed the second one, but that actually turned out quite well, and the first previews for this looks pretty funny. I just don't want to get my hopes up.

The Lone Ranger
It seemed like a stupid idea, and the first trailer was baffling. By the second trailer I could kind of see where they were going. I'm not saying it's going to be good, or that it'll work, but I'm sufficiently intrigued to check it out.

Now You See Me
If this story works it'll be brilliant, but is this another wannabe lookalike, like Criss Angel, or a proper magician like Ricky Jay? Have they cheated with CGI or do they have a proper, good trick up their sleeve?

Star Trek Into Darkness
I had JJ Abrams' first Star Trek film on my Top 5 for 2009, but since then I've cooled a bit on him, and I'm not sure why. This also seems to suffer from the familiar franchise problem, where everything is on the line in every single entry. Can't we just get a proper space exploration story for once, without the fate of mankind on the line?

The Wolverine
Yes, finally they're doing the Japan story! That was the first thought. Then came the trailer, and it turned out it wasn't THE Japan story, just A Japan story. The disappointment was crushing, and I'm not sure the film can recover.

World War Z
Endless production problems and an unfilmable novel is rarely a good place to start. The trailers have me both exited and worried. I'm down with the swarms of zombies, but not convinced they have a story worth telling.

KINDA EXCITED
- These could be fantastic, and I've got faith.

The Bling Ring
Sofia Coppola did two good films, then two bad (well haven't seen Somewhere , but I couldn't even stay awake for the trailer). Where her fifth feature falls remains to be seen, but it's got Emma Watson, and that's a good thing.

The Colony
A world covered in snow? I'm in. Plot, actors? Never mind that, this one's got FREAKIN' SNOW all over!

The Great Gatsby
Baz Luhrmann did the brilliant Romeo + Juliet, but his two next films (the charmless and awful Moulin Rouge, and the universally disliked Australia) failed to live up to that promise. This one looks like he's back on track.

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
Call me crazy (you will), but the first one wasn't bad, and lead Logan Lerman has proved his worth by now. Could this be a charming little adventure story, the kind we get so few of these days?

The Purge
The premise for this sounds absolutely frightening, and Ethan Hawke rarely fails. Could this be the one we're all talking about, when the summer is done?

Red 2
The first one was fun. I'm ready for another go, but it's hard to believe lightning will strike twice. It wasn't even that powerful the first time around.

This is The End
This could easily be absolutely atrocious, but I'm gonna roll the dice and give it the benefit of the doubt, even if it looks like it's a little too far up its own rear end.

HOLD ALL CALLS
- The best of the best top dollar can't-miss summer movie

Despicable Me 2
The first one was brilliant, and the trailer made me chuckle. Fingers crossed that Gru and the minions can save the summer! Oh and the world.

WRAP-UP

It seems my instincts were right. The ratio of good to bad is not impressive, and even I have to admit that the list of films I look forward to is hardly impressive.

It wasn't always like this. Once upon a time the summer movies were actually good. Remember that "Summer Movie Sci-Fi Sneak Preview from 1982" clip? And that's just the science fiction movies from that year.

Every one of them is still talked about after 30 years. Hard to believe that'll be the case for the 2013 movies.

Enough of this summer crap, let's hope for an early fall, lots of overcast weather and as little sun as possible.

DISCLAIMER FOR THE CHEAP SEATS: This article is a PREVIEW of the summer films. PRE as in "before". My evaluations are based on trailers, images and plot descriptions. My judgements concern my desire to see the films, they are NOT - I repeat NOT - the final evaluation of the quality of the films, since I can't give that until I have actually seen the films. So to recap: This is a PREVIEW.