Die Another Day (2002)

IT'S THE ONE WHERE

James Bond (Pierce Brosnan) is disavowed by MI6 after being captured and tortured in North Korea.

Subsequently he heads off on a personal vendetta to kill the Korean Zao (Rick Yune), one of the men responsible for his predicament. The mission leads him to Cuba, where he meets saucy agent Jinx (Halle Berry). Eventually the trail leads to international playboy and millionaire Gustav Graves (Toby Stephens). Ostensibly a perfect, driven specimen of Western capitalism, Graves is not what he appears to be, and the space-based Icarus program he's currently developing probably isn't either. Bond sets the course for Iceland, to investigate Graves, and soon has his hands full. In more ways than one, nudge-nudge.

This time Bond, doesn't flirt with Moneypenny, the secretary. She does get to make out with him, but alas this is just a holographic training program. Meanwhile the real Bond sleeps with operatives from two different agencies: Miranda Frost (Rosamund Pike), a colleague from MI6, and the aforementioned Jinx, from NSA.

This is also the film with the invisible car.

THE SECRET PLOT TO RULE THE WORLD AWARD GOES TO...

Gustav Graves, who wants to - sigh - control the entire world with his amazing new technology. His goofy grin and superior fencing skills are apparently not enough to threaten the world into submission.

Then there's Zao, whose face has been scarred by the initial encounter with Bond. He's got diamonds stuck in his face. Why he doesn't just pick them out is unclear, maybe it's because diamonds are forever? Just a thought.

Also, there's someone who betrayed Bond when he was originally captured. This person will also have an important part to play, but I don't want to spoil anything.

REVIEW

I'm a little ambivalent about Die Another Day. On one hand it's a gorgeous, sprawling, big budget action movie - exactly the kind I love. On the other hand it's so detached from reality that it should probably be labeled as science fiction or fantasy, rather than as an action movie.

The overall globetrotting style of the film is the only thing that works perfectly. The story takes us to Korea, Cuba, China, England, and Iceland. The locations are vasty different and very interesting. There's the monochromatic look of the demilitarized zone between North and South Korea, the bright warm colors of Havana, and the white snow-covered surfaces of Iceland. Bond even returns to london, to an abandoned underground train-station, which conceals a secret MI6 office.

We'll ease our way into "the bad" by way of the bad guy Gustav Graves, who's suitably sleazy and obnoxious. Bond is introduced to him in a fencing club, and the following duel between them is fantastic. They pretty much trash the entire place, trying to get the upper hand. Unfortunately Toby Stephens' portrayal of Graves goes downhill from there. It's not entirely his fault, though. He's stuck with a character whose big plan involves a giant laser in space, world domination, and an Iron Man-like suit (clearly we're in an Austin Powers film). What can he do, but laugh manically and twirl his invisible mustache?

This leads us into an even more problematic area, with the introduction of the DNA altering technique used by the bad guys. A special gene-therapy, which can change your appearance, down to the microscopic level. Listen, you can't alter your DNA. Believing you can is a fundamental misunderstanding of the real world. This is not just a throwaway gag, the entire plot is riding on this. Then of course there's the invisible car. James Bond is not usually a stickler for scientific accuracy, but this really stretches movie-reality to a breaking point. Bond's new car actually has a Star Trek-style cloaking function. It's physically impossible to create something like that, especially using the technique described in the film. And once again this is not just a funny gadget, the car plays a crucial part in several scenes in the film. Speaking of Star Trek, at one point in the film Bond trains in a simulation, which can only be described as a holodeck - a photo-real virtual reality device, where he can hone his super agent skills. Later there's a fist-fight which is complicated by a runaway laser-beam.

It's impossible to defend the film beyond this point. I could have accepted one of these missteps, but a DNA machine, an invisible car, laser-beams and a holodeck is too much for one damn movie, unless it tales place on the bloody Enterprise. And I haven't even covered the abundance of physically impossible action scenes, like Bond surfing CGI waves in Iceland, or driving his car backwards and upside down (!), while firing rockets and guns.

Many regard Die Another Day as the ultimate meltdown of the modern Bond movie, and a total failure on every level. I disagree, I think it works on some levels, except for all the really important ones. I like watching Die Another Day, because it's stupid and over the top, but you won't hear any objections from me if you hate this movie with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. Most people do.

And so we bid farewell to Pierce Brosnan's take on Bond. Too bad he never got a chance to redeem himself. After this the franchise was rebooted, and a completely different Bond emerged. Daniel Craig has the potential to be the best Bond of them all, if he manages to make a second good Bond film that is. At this point Brosnan is still my favorite.

The World is Not Enough (1999)

IT'S THE ONE WHERE

James Bond (Pierce Brosnan) participates in the recovery of a large sum of money. The money later turns out to be laced with explosives, when they're detonated inside the MI6 offices, killing Sir Robert King, an oil tycoon and personal friend of M (Judi Dench).

MI6 fears for the safety of Electra (Sophie Marceau), King's daughter, who's now running her father's company, so Bond is dispatched to protect her. He comes across a plot to sabotage an oil pipeline the company is currently building, and it turns out that the man behind the plot is notorious terrorist Renard (Robert Carlyle) as Bond suspected. But there's more to this case than meets the eye.

Of course Bond flirts with Moneypenny, the secretary. He sleeps with his doctor, to get a clean bill of health. He sleeps with Electra, because he wants to. And he he sleeps with a nuclear scientist, Dr. Christmas Jones (Denise Richards), because he's James Bond. He also gets a cool anti-avalanche jacket from Q.

(Now a word of warning. There will be spoilers from this point on.)

THE SECRET PLOT TO RULE THE WORLD AWARD GOES TO...

Renard, the terrorist, and his mysterious friend, who turns out to be (fair warning) the very same woman Bond was sent to protect. They plan to make a lot of trouble, kill a lot of people, and most importantly, punish MI6. It's a great plan.

Danish Ulrich Thomsen shows up as a brown stain in the floor - excuse me - as a henchmen, and there are a few other assorted bad guys, but none of them manage to make an impression compared to the lead duo.

REVIEW

Revenge is at the heart of this 19th official James Bond movie. Though not quite in the same vein as in License to Kill. The central plot concerning the threat to the pipeline is not  even that important, this is personal, and there's something far bigger at stake here. We already get that sense in the pre-credit sequence, when a forceful and slick Bond takes charge of the previously mentioned money recovery, casually killing a bunch of people with ruthless efficiency. When we learn that Electra was kidnapped by Renard, and M was involved in the situation, more revenge motives bubble to the surface. The revelation that Electra and Renard work together only raises the stakes, as we're left wondering which one of them corrupted the other.

Sophie Marceau plays the part of Electra to perfection. There's something strange and lethal hidden behind her fake smile, and for once 007 is truly blindsided by save-the-vulnerable-girl syndrome, an almost fatal mistake. Turns out that the man we thought we should fear - Renard, who can't feel pain, because he's got a bullet in the brain - is merely the muscles of the union. Robert Carlyle even manages to make us almost sympathetic to Renard's hopeless situation. Not enough to challenge our allegiance to Bond, obviously, but enough to make him human, and not just another maniac hellbent on world war.

These two are probably my favorite Bond bad guys ever.

The rest of the cast is equally good, but I believe it's time to throw a little love at the character Q, played by Desmond Llewelyn. In almost every James Bond movie since the franchise begun he's been around to supply cool gadget to Bond. This movie was his last. Llewelyn was killed in a car crash shortly after the movie opened. First, though, he gets to introduce his replacement ("I want to introduce you to the young fellow I'm grooming to follow me" - enter John Cleese as "R"), and he also gets to impart his final bit of wisdom to Bond, before disappearing into the floor with a strangely melancholic look on his face. Did he know this was his last performance? Q and Llewelyn was an integral part of Bond. He's going to be missed.

I guess we also have to address the gorgeous fake-breasted elephant in the room. I have a feeling that people would probably be a little easier on this film, had it not been for Dr. Christmas Jones. Big-chested bimbo Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist? Come on. Suspending the disbelief is nowhere near enough, we'll have to blast it into space, to buy this character. But what if they had made her a gorgeous assistant to a horny old professor instead? The professor gets killed, and she has to step in, knowing just enough about her field to be useful to Bond? Could that have made it easier to accept? Either way this character is often cited as the deal-breaker for many people.

In terms of action, though, there should be little doubt about this film's effectiveness. The speedboat chase through the English channel is a classic Bond sequence, full of great energy and over the top stunts. The moment where the boat is temporarily submerged, and Bond still finds the time to adjust his tie, is a favorite. Then there's the ski sequence, where Bond must escape flying, shooting assassins, while everything explodes around him, and let's not forget the helicopter-with-giant-saw-blades attack, or the preposterous finale aboard a nuclear submarine, which is quite exiting, and not just because Dennis Richards is wearing a tight, wet T-shirt! Now, of course none of it makes any sense, but it's such a thrill ride, and I'm literally laughing out loud and clapping my hands in excitement every time the movie launches into another crazy action scene.

The World is Not Enough has a bad reputation. That's really unfair. It's a good action movie. A fun, engaging spy mission, with an actual mystery. GoldenEye may be my favorite Bond on paper, but this is the one it takes the least amount of effort to put in the player again.

"I always wanted Christmas in Turkey!" Me too.

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

IT'S THE ONE WHERE

A British ship in international waters is challenged by two Chinese MIGs, who claim that it's trespassing on their territory. Moments later the ship is sinking and one of the planes have been shot out of the sky. This is the doing of media mogul Elliot Carver (Jonathan Pryce), who plans to start a war between the two countries, so he can sell newspapers.

James Bond is dispatched to investigate Carver, via his "connection" to Carver's wife (Teri Hatcher), and there he runs into a Chinese operative, Wai Lin (Michelle Yeoh), who seems to have her own agenda. Of course Bond finds the time to briefly flirt with Moneypenny, the secretary, he sleeps with his Danish teacher (Yay Danes!) and with Teri Hatcher! He also gets a brand new remote controlled BMW, and a mobile phone with some very impressive features.

THE SECRET PLOT TO RULE THE WORLD AWARD GOES TO...

Mr. Elliot Carver. Though, actually I don't think he deserves an award. His plan is just too stupid. We deserves a better class of bad guys, don't we? This one has even hired a silly blond henchman! Come on, how clichéd can you get? On a more positive note, magician Ricky Jay also shows up, as some sort of electronic weapon gizmo expert. Personally I prefer when he's flinging cards.

REVIEW

So the revived James Bond returns, but can he live up to the expectations following the near perfect GoldenEye? In a word: No.

The biggest problem with Tomorrow Never Dies is the villain. Plain and simple. It's just not believable that a person can be in charge of a giant company and be so obviously insane at the same time. Jonathan Pryce does what he can with the character of Elliot Carver, but it's a lost cause. I mean, how would you manage to keep this so-called plan a secret, when it relies on the collaboration of so many people? And what kind of business model is a world war? Do you honestly believe that more people would buy newspapers in the middle of a nuclear-freakin'-war, than during times of peace?

Was GoldenEye just a flash in the pan? It would seem that way, because even Bond himself is back to the incompetent style of the Connery efforts. Twice he walks into obvious traps. One time the bad guys even call him and tell him it's a trap! And still he proceeds undeterred. Further evidence can be found in the film's unsuccessful attempt to copy the added emotional depth of GoldenEye, by setting up a relationship with Carver's wife. It's a nice idea, but just doesn't ring true.

It's too bad, because there's actually a lot to like here. Pierce Brosnan is on par with his GoldenEye performance, the film looks great, it has the added benefit of digital effects, and the action scenes are generally very competent. The motorcycle chase through downtown Saigon, where Bond is handcuffed to Michelle Yeoh, is inspired. Oddly, tough, the one action scene that couldn't possibly fail - Michelle Yeoh demonstrating her fighting abilities - is very badly choreographed, and poorly shot.

I've grown to like much of Tomorrow Never Dies, despite my initial hate for it. I've come to terms with the fact that it's the worst Bond film since the Roger Moore days. However, nothing can save the film, when the already problematic plot culminates in a noisy, utterly boring showdown onboard Carvers stealth boat. Even if we ignore the fact that this vessel seems to be several sizes larger on the inside than it appears from the outside, the whole finale is still so bloody ridiculous! Nothing more than pointless shooting, explosions, and boring fist fights. When it's all over, you're left with an empty, sinking feeling. A worldwide media empire, the threat of a third world war, and all you give us is a fist fight? Come on...

I will leave you with this conversation I had with a friend shortly after watching the movie for the first time back in 1997. We were pondering the qualities of the film, and he suddenly said:

"James Bond doesn't scream."
"What?"
"James Bond doesn't scream! When they use the banner to slide down the side of the building he screams like a girl. James Bond doesn't scream."

Think about it. It's true. If they can't get that simple, little fact right, how can they hope to make a whole film that works?

GoldenEye (1995)

IT'S THE ONE WHERE

James Bond is back! Again. In the opening sequence 007 (Pierce Brosnan) is on a mission in Russia with his old pal Alec Trevelyan (Sean Bean) aka 006. Something goes wrong, Alex is killed and Bond barely escapes. Flash-forward 9 years.

A new high tech helicopter is stolen and Bond suspects this is one piece of a larger puzzle. Shortly thereafter the helicopter is used to attack a Russian radar installation, and the top secret GoldenEye energy weapon is stolen. Only a young programmer, Natalya Simonova (Izabella Scorupco), survives. Bond is charged with finding the GoldenEye, and thwarting whatever sinister plain lies behind the theft.

Of course Bond flirts with Moneypenny, the secretary, who seems far less impressed with his sexual prowess than usually. He also takes one for the team, by bedding a mousy girl sent to evaluate him, and he sleeps with the Russian programmer (it's alright, she's sort of Swedish). Then there's the title song, performed by Tina Turner, M is a woman, and Minnie Driver screams her way through "Stand by Your Man" with a thick Russian accent.

THE SECRET PLOT TO RULE THE WORLD AWARD GOES TO...

Janus. The devious underworld weapon smuggler who's responsible for the GoldenEye theft, and of course he's in cahoots with a crazy Russian general. They plan to send England back to the stone age, with an electronic blast that will destroy all financial records. Famke Janssen shows up with a dangerously naughty Russian accent, and steals the show as Xenia Onatopp, the bad guys' henchman. She is perhaps the all time best Bond girl! She will literally kill you during sex, but it'll be SO worth it.

REVIEW

A lot was riding on those first couple of minutes of GoldenEye. MGM's powerful franchise had been lying dormant for 6 years, and that's a long time in the action movie game. Returning from this extended leave Bond had to prove himself all over again. Adding to this was the fact that we had to break in yet another new Bond actor. This time Pierce Brosnan took the lead.

So with audiences everywhere holding their breath in anticipation, we're reintroduced to James Bond as he bungee jumps from the top of a dam! After this the film slowly reveals Bond's face: A close-up of the eyes, then a silhouette. When we get the first full view of his face, he's hanging upside down, and THEN we finally get to to see Brosnan's 007. This cheeky approach puts me at ease. It tell's me that the filmmakers are fully aware of what they're doing, and that they know they have to earn my trust.

The opening scene is also perfect, because Bond doesn't wink non-stop at the camera, he has one or two funny lines, but then he shifts to lethal mode. There's also a strange energy in the rest of the scene, as if Bond can sense something's wrong. His bitterness, when his friend dies, is unmistakable. As is the look of ruthless determination during his getaway. This Bond will not escape in a pink rubber duck, or whatever nonsense they came up with in the other films, and he doesn't rely on luck to complete his mission.

While the story of GoldenEye could easily have been told in the moronic Bond style of the Sean Connery or the Roger Moore days, director Martin Campbell keeps the plot on a tight leash. He has the time and patience to set up two separate story lines. First there's Bond's investigation - actual investigation, where he talks to people and follows clues. Then there's the second, where the programmer attempts to figure out what went wrong. The two lines develop concurrently and naturally, until they meet in the middle of the film, to reveal the true scope of the plot. It's not rocket science or the reinvention of the wheel, it's just straight-up solid storytelling. Luckily GoldenEye also has a fair share of spectacular and entertaining action sequences, the high point being the tank chase through the streets of St. Petersburg. An elaborate, inventive, almost Jackie Chan like set-piece, full of crazy stunts and humor.

GoldenEye isn't just a return to form, because it features some great action, it also works, because it dares to dig a little bit deeper into the character. Most notable is the confrontation between the newly appointed M (Judi Dench) and Bond. "You're a sexist, misogynist dinosaur. A relic of the Cold War," she says, straight to his face. The verbal showdown between them is far beyond anything else previously attempted by the franchise. Not only is this conversation cool, but it raises the stakes immeasurably, because it allows Bond to consider his own mortality and relevance in the modern world. Similarly, later in the film, Bond and Natalya have a heartfelt discussion about his chosen lifestyle, before the final showdown begins. "How can you be so cold?" she demands. "It's what keeps me alive," Bond explains. "No, it's what keeps you alone," she retorts. Imagine that conversation with any previous Bond actor.

I wonder if GoldenEye is my favorite Bond film. It's certainly a fantastic, brutally effective action movie. Pierce Brosnan eradicates all competition, with the best silver screen interpretation of the secret agent to date. He's the perfect mix of killer, detective, and ladies man, with just the right dash of humor, and a hint of regret. It's a bit of a mystery how Bond made it this far, through 33 years and 17 mostly mediocre films, but I'm really glad he did. For the first time the caption "Bond will return" seems like a promise, not a warning.

Licence to Kill (1989)

IT'S THE ONE WHERE

We get our second James Bond film with Timothy Dalton in the lead role. It starts off on a light note, when Bond and his usual compadre Feliz Leiter, on their way to Felix's wedding, must suddenly run off and bring down notorious drug lord Franz Sanchez (a perfectly cast Robert Davi). They succeed, but the plan backfires when Sanchez subsequently escapes, and manages to maim Leiter and kill his new bride.

Bond is desperate for revenge and begins his own investigation, but his boss M will have none of this. He revokes 007's licence to kill and orders him home. Bond refuses and instead he runs. He escapes the clutches of MI6, stopping short of kicking M's ass along the way. Now he's on unfamiliar territory, a rogue agent, without orders, driven by a bitter desire for blood.

In fact, Bond is so busy plotting his revenge that he doesn't even have time to flirt with Moneypenny! He does find the time to nail two ladies, both of which play an important part in the story. Bond also gets a helping hand from Q, who - for the first time in the series - tries his hand at being a proper field agent.

THE SECRET PLOT TO RULE THE WORLD AWARD GOES TO...

Drug lord Franz Sanchez, though he doesn't so much want to control the world, as just sell it some dope. To be more precise, he's got plans to strike a deal with several drug dealers around to world, to create an all-powerful syndicate.

Sanchez commands a bunch of nasty henchmen, one of them being a baby-faced Benicio Del Toro, snarling like a madman. On the roster we also find Anthony Zerbe (The Omega Man, The Matrix Reloaded) as one of Sanchez's less than reliable partners, and Twin Peaks' Everett McGill as corrupt cop.

REVIEW

License to Kill is generally considered a failure, and often blamed for the 6 year sabbatical that would follow in the James Bond series, but that's a bit unfair. The movie didn't do that bad, and several other factors contributed to the delay of the next entry of the franchise. With that in mind I didn't catch this film until a few years ago, and I approached it quite cautiously - largely because of this bad rep. I needn't have worried. License to Kill is a stone cold, uncompromising, take no prisoners, kick-ass, action movie.

There's a part of me that wishes this was the first Bond movie ever. What better way to know a man, than to know him at the lowest point in his life, when he's driven to the edge, when everything he believes is on the line? Of course that wouldn't work, we need the previous films to put Bond's current situation into perspective, but it's a tantalizing thought-experiment.

One thing is for sure: The charming Bond we all know - and supposedly love - is all but gone. Instead we get a grim, driven Bond, who has little time for clever remarks or even his usual Martini. At one point, when Bond tries to infiltrate the criminal organization, Sanchez asks him if he's a "problem solver". The usually unaffected Brit responds with fire in his eyes and a look that means more to us than the drug lord. "More of a problem eliminator," he replies, leaving us to wonder whether Bond's thirst for revenge will get the better of him.

In keeping with Bond's ruthless determination, the film is also fairly brutal, and often quite graphic. In one of the early scenes Bond's CIA friend Leiter is fed to a shark! And he's not the only one on the menu. In fact, several bad guys meet some extremely violent deaths along the way.

It could be argued that this uncharacteristic behaviour alienated Bond to some viewers, and perhaps that's part of the truth, but I'm much more concerned with the Americanization of the franchise. Bond never actually sets foot in Great Britain in this movie. He goes off the grid, leaving behind many of the distinctly British aspects that make Bond who he is. He chases a Latino drug lord, something we associate with countless American movies and TV-shows. Even though we get the signature Casino scene and a few classic Bond gadgets, I can't help but feel that this story is more Miami Vice than Her Majesty's Secret Service.

Even so, the movie features some very impressive action set-pieces. At one point we literally go from the depth of the ocean to the skies in a single action sequence, when Bond must escape some underwater shenanigans by hooking on to a sea plane, which is about to take off. He proceeds to water ski behind it, and eventually makes his way on to the plane in mid-flight!

Then, of course, there's the final act of the film, an equally exhilarating action sequence, involving several gigantic trucks racing down narrow dirt roads, explosions going off left and right, Stinger missiles flying everywhere! A breathtaking roller coaster ride that brings the film to a brutal, but very satisfying conclusion.

And so we bid farewell to Timothy Dalton's take on James Bond. I can honestly say he's my favorite Bond actor so far. In all fairness some credit must go to the writers, who have managed to wrestle Bond from the clutches of mediocre slapstick comedy and ancient playboy behavior, and turn him into a lean, mean killing machine. The kind of man who not only deserves a license to kill, but who also knows how to use it.

The calender would read 1995 before Bond returned to the silver screen once again, and by then he would look an awful lot like that Remington Steele guy.

The Living Daylights (1987)

IT'S THE ONE WHERE

James Bond is called in to assist shady Russian general Georgi Koskov in his defection to the West. The general claims to have valuable information for British intelligence, but he barely gets to safe ground, before he's kidnapped, presumably by some angry Russians. MI6 believes that another Russian general, Pushkin, is involved, but Bond suspects otherwise, so instead he follows his only lead: A beautiful cello player, who assisted Koskov with his initial escape. Soon the plot thickens, when it turns out that a less than reliable arms dealer, Brad Whitaker, is also involved.

Of course Bond flirts with Moneypenny, the secretary, but also finds the time to nail the aforementioned cello player and a random brunette on a boat. This is also the movie where Bond heads to Afghanistan and strikes a deal with the local rebels, the Mujahideen. We also get another stellar title song, this time from Norwegian band A-ha.

THE SECRET PLOT TO RULE THE WORLD AWARD GOES TO...

No one! Although one of the bad guys briefly mentions a war between the Americans and the Russians, nobody seems all that concerned about it.

The arms dealer Whitaker is a jackass who just wants to make a lot of money, and General Koskov appears to be an opportunist, who just wants to live the good life, and doesn't really care who pays for it. The most scary character here is actually the tall, blond henchman, played by Andreas Wisniewski from Die Hard.

REVIEW

Another Bond movie, another Bond actor... Since Roger Moore was more or less a pile of dust by the end of the previous film, the producers went looking for a younger, better Bond. They found Timothy Dalton - a good, solid choice. Of course Dalton looks the part, but he also seems determined and lethal in a way Connery and Moore never were. And then there's the fact that he doesn't need a wheelchair to get around. It's win-win on all counts.

The fifteenth 007 adventure starts off with a familiar idea: A training mission. This one goes horribly wrong though, but gives Dalton a chance to show off his action-muscles even before the opening titles. There's a great chase sequence, where Bond is hanging on to a burning truck with explosives, and we haven't even been properly introduced yet!

The central plot is always the big issue with these films. Most of the previous entries are just pure nonsense, the Roger Moore efforts more so than the others. The Living Daylight takes a step back and gives us a slightly traditional, but rather pleasing defection story, with plenty of double-crossing along the way to keep us entertained. It might seem slightly contrived at times, but once you realize that it's not really important who all the other characters are working for, as long as Bond is still on our side, you'll be okay.

Thankfully the humor has been dialed way back, almost to zero, and that simple fact makes the film better on every level. The slapstick action scenes from Moore are almost gone, and Connery's sloppy investigations are but a faint memory. So even if we get a silly snow-bound car chase, where Bond eventually is forced to make his escape using a cello case as a sled, the film still feels grounded in reality. Well, at least compared to the rest of the franchise.

If I have to raise a concern with the film, it's the lack of a proper villain. John Rhys-Davies is cool and scary as Pushkin, but the two other bad guys - Jeroen Krabbé's Koskov and Joe Don Baker's Whitaker - are both buffoons and never really seem like proper threats. On the plus side their plan seems realistic and does not actually involve world domination. When we get down to basics, they just want to get rich in a jiffy.

This eventually leads us to a solid final act, where Bond and the cello player interrupt a massive Opium deal, with the assistance of an Afghan resistance fighter (played by go-to Arab Art Malik). The film should have gone out on a high note and ended after this, but tags on an unconvincing final showdown with one of the bad guys, which is a shame.

The Living Daylights is perhaps a bit too conventional at times, but it's definitely a step in the right direction. The change of pace from the Moore films is unmeasurable and it's such a relief. 007 once again acts like an agent who actually needs that licence to kill. Gosh, can you imagine what would happen if he lost it?

A View to a Kill (1985)

IT'S THE ONE WHERE

A new type of microchip has fallen into the wrong hands. Bond is sent to Paris to investigate shady industrialist Max Zorin, who's not only connected to this case, but also to some less than honest shenanigans at the horse races.

Of course Bond flirts with Moneypenny, the secretary, he nails every broad with a pulse, including a handful of blondes, but more interestingly, Bond has his first gay experience... with Grace Jones. I don't think this is what they meant when they said "keep the British end up".

There's a chase through the Eiffel tower, a showdown with an airship at the Golden Gate bridge, and we finally get a freakin' decent title song with Duran Duran's "A View to a Kill"... Come on everybody: "Daaaaaaaance into the fire! That fatal kiss is all we neeeeeeed...!"

THE SECRET PLOT TO RULE THE WORLD AWARD GOES TO...

A blond Christopher Walken! He plays Max Zorin, who wants to control the entire world's production of microchips, and as part of his plan he wants to destroy Silicon Valley. He also cheats at horse racing. This one is diabolical.

Zorin's got a few interesting henchmen on his payroll, but the scariest one by far is Grace Jones. Shudder.

REVIEW

"Daaaaaaaance into the fire!" Sorry, had to do that one more time. Alright enough singing, let's get started on our final Bond adventure with Roger Moore.

A View to a Kill seems like a fairly simple, solid setup, but unsurprisingly Bond finds a way to muck it up again. Rather than conducting an investigation focused on the problem at hand - the microchips - Bond chooses to pose as a posh Brit (there's a stretch) and take a closer look at Zorin's passion for horse-racing. I say guvna, there must be something fishy going on here! Yes Bond, this horse-race thing definitely warrants every bit of your attention! Does anybody have 006 on speed-dial, so we can get the real case rolling?

The biggest problem with this film is that it's so underwhelming. The pre-credit sequence is another snowbound adventure, where Bond must escape while skiing, and it feels like we've done this 8 million times before! As for the insane bad guy who wants to corner a certain market, and does this by destroying the competition's supply... Isn't that more or less the plot of Goldfinger?

I guess I could see the movie working on some levels, if the filmmakers had put any kind of effort into the project. The Eiffel tower chase is sort of fun, but it's too brief. The following car chase is a rare inventive action set-piece, where Bond's car is destroyed piece by piece, but that sequence is also too brief. I could even see the whole "destroying the chips"-plan working, but why make it so cumbersome and complicated? In the final showdown Bond is trying to stop a bomb that will blow a hole in an old mine, which will release some water, which will cause an earthquake, which will destroy Silicon Valley and all the microchip companies, so Zorin can take over the market. Phew.

Keep it simple: Bomb will destroy Silicon Valley. Period. That's all you need. Come up with a clever way to place the bomb, give Bond an interesting mission to destroy it, raise the stakes by putting people we care about in harms way. Then it might have worked.

At least we finally get a really interesting actor playing the bad guy. Unfortunately Christopher Walken chews up the scenery like there's no tomorrow. Maybe he was just too young back then, if they had hired him today he would have walked away with the entire movie, before Roger Moore had time to put down his tea cup. Solid support from Patrick Macnee (of The Avengers fame) and Patrick Bauchau (from The Pretender and Panic Room) keeps the movie interesting, though. Even Alison Doody (that's the girl from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade) shows up for a few scenes, and if you blink you'll miss a brief glimpse of a young Dolph Lundgren.

The best moment of A View to a Kill, though, comes in the final showdown, and features a young woman who's so blond the bad guy actually manages to sneak up on her and capture her... IN A FREAKIN' AIRSHIP! That must be the biggest laugh of the franchise so far. Not sure it was supposed to be.

And so we close the book on Roger Moore. I can't say I'll miss him. With him James Bond went from being an incompetent charmeur, to being an incompetent buffoon, and at 58 even Roger Moore knew he was getting too old for this sh*t. Too bad the producers didn't. Time to take a break from 007 now, but when we return to the series we'll be asking the REAL James Bond to stand up, please.

Never Say Never Again (1983)

IT'S THE ONE WHERE

Bond looks different. Again. And yet familiar. The story seems familiar too. Something about the sinister SPECTRE organisation high-jacking two nuclear warheads, intent on blowing up the world, so they can rule over the rubble. Or something.

Of course Bond also flirts with Moneypenny, the secretary, who looks different, and he nails every broad with a pulse, including a blond therapist, a feisty henchwoman, a voluptuous beach babe, and Kim Bassinger in her prime.

THE SECRET PLOT TO RULE THE WORLD AWARD GOES TO...

SPECTRE. Wow, so they're back... It's like deja vu all over again.

Max von Sydow plays Blofeld, in three shots. There must be a ton of material on the cutting-room floor, because it doesn't make any sense. We don't even get to see his reaction to the final showdown. He just disappears from the story! Actually the most prominent bad guy is Largo, aka. No. 1, played by Klaus Maria Brandauer, a sexually frustrated millionaire with inferiority issues, and a couple of nukes. Now that's scary!

There also a nasty henchwoman, called Fatima Blush. Yes, I also read that as bush, when I read it fast.

REVIEW

Right off the bat this Bond movies feels odd. There's no classic Bond bulls-eye intro, no Maurice Bender credit sequence, we do get an unbelievably bad theme song, so it's not like we're on completely foreign ground.

Shoehorned in between Roger Moore's two final Bond films, the existence of this irregular 007 adventure deserves a brief explanation. This is a so-called unofficial movie, meaning that it's not part of the official James Bond cannon. It exists only because of legal issues regarding Thunderball, resulting in producer Kevin McClory securing the legal rights to the Thunderball story, and all characters that appear in it, meaning that he could potentially remake that movie until the end of time, without fear of prosecution from the "real" Bond producers. McClory should have gotten the rights to a different story, because Thunderball didn't really work the first time around, and since everything about this film is inferior to the original, we're not exactly on to a winner.

Since this is not an official Bond, naturally they couldn't get Roger Moore for the lead, so instead they went back to Sean Connery, and asked him to reprise the role he abandoned with much glee 12 years ago. God knows how much they payed him to do this, but he doesn't look nearly as tired, as he did in his previous Bond film, though he does look considerable older. At 53 he just can't pass for a spiffy super secret agent any more, assuming he ever really could. Connery's return to the role is not helped by the fact that the plot starts off with an attack on some sort of bad guy stronghold where Bond is killed. Luckily this turns out to be a training mission, but it's not really a confidence inspiring opening, by any stretch of the imagination.

After this follows an unbelievable stupid scene where a preposterously unfair M, played by Edward Fox, orders Bond to a hippie health spa, because his eating habits are bad. Really? This is how you want to establish your cool secret agent? By having a guy tell him off, for eating too much red meat...? Are you serious? Moments later Bond loses the last bit of street cred, when he's reduced to smuggle caviar and pate into the spa, in a hidden compartment in his suitcase, and eat it in secrecy in his room. Come on people!

Never Say Never Again is dead on arrival. It takes forever to get going, and when it finally does it's quite unimpressive. The film plays out without a single memorable scene. There are no big set-pieces, no cool action scenes, not a single clever line, and all the characters are forgettable. The story plods along, painfully slow and disjointed (so was the original, you'll recall), resulting in an uninspired, dull, mumbling film that should never have been made.

Ironically, the only thing that could have saved Never Say Never Again, was if somebody had just said "never!"

Octopussy (1983)

IT'S THE ONE WHERE

James Bond must discover the truth behind the death of 009, and so he's off to investigate - wait for it - a Faberge egg. That's an expensive, very gay, gold egg to you and me. Bond must go to India to follow a guy who bought the egg at an auction. Nothing less than our way of life is at stake here. Honestly.

Of course Bond also flirts with Moneypenny, the secretary, who's looking so uncomfortable at this point that they've hired a young assistant for her, so Bond can flirt with her too. Naturally Bond nails every broad with a pulse, including a high class blond bimbo, and the exotic titular brunette. And in what can only be classified as Roger Moore's finest hour, Bond sneaks into a secret palace in a crocodile mini-submarine. Yes, a sub that looks like a crocodile.

THE SECRET PLOT TO RULE THE WORLD AWARD GOES TO...

Well, let's see. The biggest bad guy would have to be the absurd Russian general, who wants to blow up a nuclear device, thinking that will make the West cut down on their military forces, which would enable him to conquer Europe in a week with a dozen tanks. Or something.

Then there's the evil Prince Kamal Khan, who wants to get his hands on the previously mentioned egg. Oh, and kill Bond too. There's an evil henchman with a turban. And another evil henchman with a yo-yo saw blade thingy.

REVIEW

If the juvenile title isn't a big enough giveaway, the plot sure is. Bond has reached the nadir of his decrepit existence, and I'm confident it can't possibly get any worse. I mean, he's chasing a freakin' egg! AN EGG! What the hell is wrong with you people? You've got a super-cool agent, the world is your stage, you've got guns and gadgets, all the babes you could possibly want, and yet you decide to tell a story about a freakin' egg! Unfortunately that's not even half of it, because every single aspect of this film is broken. Everything is stupid.

I've talked about Bond's inadequate agent skills before, but this time he's captured even before the opening credit sequences. He's caught red-handed planting a bomb. The guy can't even plant a freakin' bomb. Of course he escapes, and then how does he make his getaway? By using a small plane hidden behind a fake horse-ass in a fake trailer, I sh*t you not! And then what happens? He RUNS OUT OF FUEL! All this, mind you, is still in the pre-credit sequence.

The thing is, the plot of a good action movie can actually be pretty bad, as long as the action is good. Unsurprisingly the action is beyond pathetic in Octopussy. Everything is played for laughs, too bad nothing is funny. Take the big market fight. Bond faces off against a couple of bad guys at your classic chaotic Middle Eastern market. He steals the blade from a sword swallowing conjurer to take care of one adversary, he throws another on top of a bed of nails, he tip-toes inelegantly over a bunch hot coals, and so on. Every confrontation is funny gimmick, every moment a clever little visual pun, it's exhausting. Later, during another unimpressive chase scene Bond swings through a jungle, and for some reason a retarded sound guy thought it was funny to add Tarzan's classic "scream" from the old movies to the soundtrack... I literally punched myself in the face.

But the coup de grâce to this fiasco is the big showdown. Now, let me be clear about this: Unless you're doing a circus film, you should never have a showdown that takes place in a circus. The showdown in Octopussy should be about stopping a nuclear device from killing hundreds of people and starting a war, but instead Bond stumbles around in a circus arena doing pratfalls, while DRESSED AS A CLOWN. It's unbelievable.

Did I mention that Octopussy is the name of a mysterious woman, who's the leader of a cult of circus women on a secret island? And that after Bond's circus debut all the cult girls band together and use their circus tricks to catch the bad guy, at which point Bond arrives in a hot air balloon to save the day?

Did I mention that Bond also dresses up as a gorilla at one point?

For Your Eyes Only (1981)

IT'S THE ONE WHERE

A British spy ship sinks off the coast of Greece, carrying with it an ATAC transmitter. This device is used to send launch-codes to submarines and such. If it should fall into the wrong hands, the result could be catastrophic. Bond is dispatched to discover who killed the man responsible for the recovery of the device.

Of course Bond flirts with Moneypenny, the secretary, but nails surprisingly few broads during the course of this film. Only one! He even turns down a perky, blond skater, barely 20 years old! What the hell is wrong with him?!

THE SECRET PLOT TO RULE THE WORLD AWARD GOES TO...

Nobody! All we get is some random Greek smuggler who wants to sell the ATAC to the Russians. There's a boatload of thugs, though, including a silent, but deadly, blond dude, and Charles Dance shows up too!

REVIEW

Ah yes, the Bond we know and hate is back. If story is king, then Bond resides in a republic. An extremely important coding device has been lost, does Bond attempt to find it? No, he's on a mission to find the guy, who hired the guy, who killed the guy, who was going to locate the device. No, you read that right. And while he's off on this tangent, the device is lying in the wreck of a ship, free for anyone to find. Please. To top off this insult to agents everywhere, Bond seems more like he's on a cosy vacation than on a mission. He's strolling around in Greece, tasting the local cuisine, talking casually with a few contacts.

The film also wastes a dumbfounding amount of time on a completely superfluous subplot, featuring the ice-skater Bibi. As much as I enjoy watching this perky little thing rub herself up against Bond, this part of the story is utterly useless, and in an already slow and aimless film, it's positively painful.

The pre-credit sequence is also useless. Bond is kidnapped by Blofeld, who we almost forgot was still running free out there. He's in a wheelchair and laughs maniacally all the time, but we never see his face. Unfortunately for him Bond takes control of a helicopter, picks up Blofeld and drops him into an industrial chimney. Done. I was almost flabbergasted. Clearly the producers knew they had a loose end in Blofeld, they didn't want to deal with him anymore, so he's killed off in this ridiculous, unceremonious manner.

In terms of action and drama this film is roadkill. First of all, Bond travels to a ski resort. Really? That's a new one. Of course this means we get the inevitable ski chase. Haven't we done that a million times already? Later in the film we get an impressive climbing sequence. Impressive, because it's so excruciating slow, and unbelievably incompetent. Turns out, Bond can't climb either. If you thought Bond was out of place in Harlem, you should see him hanging on to a cliff-side for dear life, with the death-grip of a condemned man.

The single good action scene in this dull fare is the exploration of the sunken ship. I don't understand why the whole film wasn't built around this element. Bond and a hot chick enter the wreckage. They're attacked! There are sharks in the water! We get a short, but great fight scene, between two mini-subs, The Abyss-style! It's pretty cool, and they clearly build the whole set in a tank, and they have the subs and everything. Why not make this element - Bond physically getting his hands on the illusive device - the centerpiece of the story?

I always enjoy reviewing films from the 80's, because it's so easy to determine how good they are, by comparing them to landmark films of the decade: Try this on for size: For Your Eyes Only was released 1 year after The Empire Strikes Back, same year as Raiders of the Lost Ark, and one year before Blade Runner. Why does it look like it's 30 years older?

Maybe it's because of scenes like the one where Bond learns an important clue from - wait for it - a parrot. Yes, an actual parrot. That's not even the worst part. The worst part is the scene where Margaret Thatcher is having a conversation with said parrot, believing it to be James Bond. Yes, you read that right too.

Moonraker (1979)

IT'S THE ONE WHERE

Bond goes to outer space! When a space shuttle on route for England is hijacked in mid-air Bond is sent to California to investigate Drax Industries, the manufacturer of the spaceship. Of course Bond flirts with Moneypenny, the secretary, but not as much as usual. He does nail every broad with a pulse, including NASA Scientist Dr. Goodhead, a gorgeous brunette pilot, who works for Drax, and a Brazilian chick.

In the final act Bond heads off into space.

THE SECRET PLOT TO RULE THE WORLD AWARD GOES TO...

Hugo Drax, who basically wants to create a Noah's Ark in space, full of really hot people, and kill off the rest of the Earth's population. His vicious attitude, and his disdain for all things British, makes him really creepy. He's got a creepy sword-wielding Asian henchman on his payroll, and he hires Jaws, the creepy giant with the metal teeth from the prevous film, to take out Bond.

REVIEW

From the spectacular opening scene - the space shuttle hijacking - Moonraker moves at a brisk and refreshing pace. Bond is thrown out of a plane without a parachute even before the opening credits roll! The globetrotting investigation takes Bond to the waterways of Venice, the carnival of Rio, the waterfalls of the Amazon, and yes, eventually into outer space. In a rare case of lucidity the investigation actually stays on target throughout the film, using that "finding a clue and following it"-technique we talked about in previous reviews. Perhaps that's why the silly antics don't bother me as much here, as in earlier films, and trust me the silly antics are REALLY silly here.

The gondola chase through Venice must be the worst offender here. Bond is almost killed by a henchman who pops out of a coffin in a funeral procession! When he realizes his life is threatened he turns the gondola into a speed boat at the push of a button, and later the boat drives UP ON LAND! Naturally Her Majesty's Secret Service has a land-going-speedboat-gondola ready in Venice, should an agent ever need one. Right! And it doesn't matter how many ladies Bond has nailed, he can't possibly look cool in such a machine. Bond loses all the street cred he saved up earlier in the film, when he is almost killed in a big a centrifuge thingy. The kind they train astronauts in. That's a pretty cool scene, by the way, we can actually see Roger Moore's face distorted by G-force!

I don't think I've mentioned this in any of the other reviews, but can I just point out how appallingly bad the rear projection shots are in the Bond movies? Every time we get a big action sequence, where the whole thing is obviously done by stuntmen 20 years younger than Bond, there's one or two quick glimpses of the actual Bond actor pretending to be a part of the scene, shot in a studio in front of a screen showing an incredibly shaky shot from the stunt sequence. It's almost laughable how unconvincing this is, and yet there's at least one sequence like this in every Bond. Are these shots fooling anybody? Where they EVER fooling anybody?

The success of Star Wars forced the producers to think outside the box, so that's the reason the last half hour takes place in outer space. I don't actually mind this sequence. We get space shuttles, a space station, zero gravity scenes, it's all very impressive. Inevitably the giant space battle between two teams of astronauts with freakin' laser guns seems a bit forced, but luckily the visual effects throughout this sequence are surprisingly well done.

If The Man with the Golden Gun is commonly referred to as Moore's most disappointing film, Moonraker is usually laughed off a the most embarrassing and ill conceived attempt to stay current. I will say this: There's a distinct possibility that original 007 creator Ian Flemming was spinning in his grave, when this film was revealed to the world.

Yes, Moonraker is a completely silly film, but I must admit I absolutely love it. Chalk it up to my fascination with Star Wars, if you must, but if it was up to me Bond can (and should) go into outer space any time he wants. As long as he stays out of Harlem, I'm fine with it.

The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

IT'S THE ONE WHERE

A British and a Russian submarine disappear without a trace. The worst part is: They were carrying nuclear missiles. James Bond is dispatched to investigate how the subs' tracking systems were compromised. Meanwhile his Russian counterpart, the gorgeous and deadly Major Anya Amasova aka Agent Triple X, has received a similar mission. Though they initially work against each other, eventually the two agents must pool their resources to discover the culprit.

Of course Bond flirts with Moneypenny, the secretary, he nails every broad with a pulse, including a gorgeous conniving blond, an Egyptian chick, plus the aforementioned major. To add drama to the mix Bond also nails the major's lover in the pre-credit sequence, though in an entirely different meaning of the word.

This is the film that features the coolest gadget Bond ever possessed. The sexy white Lotus, which can turn into a submarine at the push of a button.

THE SECRET PLOT TO RULE THE WORLD AWARD GOES TO...

Sinister industrialist Karl Stromberg, who wants to cause a nuclear war, so we'll all be forced to live under water. Easy for him to say, he's safely hidden away in his spider-looking submersible headquarters. Did I mention he's also got a tank with a shark in it?

This movie also marks the first appearance of the henchman Jaws. He's the giant with the metal teeth.

REVIEW

The first act of The Spy Who Loved Me is rather shaky. The usual clumsy Bond investigation we're used to. Badly written, badly staged, just bad. There's a scene were Bond and the major sneak into the back of a bad guy's van. While they're waiting for the car to reach its destination they sit casually and talk in completely normal voices! Weren't they supposed to be hiding? Isn't the bad guy sitting 6 feet away, within earshot? It doesn't help the film that the credit sequences at this point have become almost laughable. Naked ladies prancing around are hard to mess up, but credit designer Maurice Binder manages to do so. Some of these images are beyond Austin Powers absurd.

There's also too much humor in the first part of the movie. Here's the thing about humor in an action movie: It's very tricky to get right. If done wrong it can seriously undercut the action-scenes, so you no longer fear for the character's lives. Plus, this type of humor is rarely all that funny to begin with, because we're not dealing with a real comedy.

When the major and Bond are forced to join up the plot slowly begins to make sense. They finally find themselves face to face with the bad guy, and they learn about his preposterous plan, and we get a clear idea about the scope of the story. This confirms my point that Bond is far better suited for these types of international crises, where the stakes are really high, because even though Stromberg's plan is rather childish, we get the sense that he most definitely will succeed, and that it will be VERY bad for all of us, if Bond can't stop him.

The Spy Who Loved Me feels like a big movie, and it looks big too. Stromberg's HQ is just massive. When seen from the outside we're treated to some very impressive model shots, while the inside of the craft must have been one of the biggest sets constructed at the time. Even the action-scenes work in this film, especially a rather inventive car chase, where Bond and the major are being chased by every motorized transportation know to man.

Roger Moore has stepped up his game this time around, he looks way more serious, and it's clear that Bond understands the gravity of the situation. Don't get me wrong, he's still got time to flirt, but he doesn't seem quite as distracted as he was during past missions. The scene where he must dismantle a nuclear missile while a tight deadline is looming is a showstopper. Moore's third outing in the 007 universe is not only watchable, but one of the best entries of the series so far, even though it takes a while before it really gets going. The film eventually finds its footing, and a solid one at that. The action sequences are cool, the story works, and for the first time we can take James Bond seriously as a secret agent.

A funny moment occurs at the end of the credits: "James Bond will return in For Your Eyes Only", it says. Actually, no. Star Wars was released the same year as this movie, so the Bond producers had to cash in on the moviegoers' fascination with space. 007's next adventure would take him to the stars.

The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)

IT'S THE ONE WHERE

James Bond learns that notoriously secretive, $1 million per hit assassin Scaramanga (played by Christopher Lee) has got a bullet with his name on it. Instead of simply waiting, Bond heads out into the world to find Scaramanga first. The chase takes him to China and Macao, and also involves a new energy saving technology. Of course Bond flirts with Moneypenny, the secretary, but he nails almost no broads in this film, he's just too busy, even though cute little blond agent Goodnight (Britt Ekland) practically throws herself at him.

THE SECRET PLOT TO RULE THE WORLD AWARD GOES TO...

Oh dear. No one is looking for world domination. Well, there's some talk about cheap energy, but no bad guy stroking a cat, no satellites with lasers, nothing. Just one guy who wants to kill another. That's fairly disappointing. In fact, the most sinister person here is Scaramanga's manservant, the midget, Nick Nack.

REVIEW

Generally considered one of the worst Bond movies, this is still far better than the previous film, and most of the Connery ones. Unfortunately that doesn't say much. The central plot certainly has merit, and could have worked if it had been done right.

What we needed was a stone cold face-off between two men at the height of their craft. The film should have been a series of increasingly intense duels, culminating in the ultimate mano-a-mano battle. That would have been a great film. But we get none of that here, instead we get a fumbling, bumbling story, where Bond's previous case, involving a new energy source, is suddenly linked to the assassin who, it turns out, had no idea about the threat against Bond, because he didn't send it! Scaramanga wasn't looking for Bond at all!

One could argue that the film fumbles the ball in the very first minute with the pre-credit introduction of Scaramanga. You see, one of his identifying marks is a third nipple. So of course we need a shot of a shirtless Christopher Lee with three nipples. There are few things less scary than the sight of a guy with three nipples, just saying. Next up we get to see how Scaramanga keeps sharp between jobs. Rather than a cool obstacle course that could push him to the max, physically, Scaramanga has created a ludicrous fun-house with mirrors and puppets, where he can lure other assassins in, confuse them, and kill them with ease. That's just dumb!

The rest of the film is hit and miss in terms of what works and what doesn't. Moore looks a little younger and a little less creepy than in the previous film, but once again demonstrates how inept he is in a close quarter fight. This guy is a trained agent? Really? One step forward, one step back.

The Secret Service's headquarters in the East is located in a half-sunken ship. The wreck is leaning to one side, but the interior has been modified to compensate for this, a really original and inspired piece of production design. Unfortunately the film also contains two incredibly unoriginal and uninspired action-scenes: A long boring fight at a karate school and another boat chase, virtually identical to the one in the previous film. One step forward, three steps back. And here's the real kicker. The utterly stupid redneck cop from the previous film is on vacation in China, and joins Bond in a car chase. Make it stop!

James Bond again comes off like a talentless playboy hack, a guy you wouldn't trust with a potato gun, much less matters of national security. In this film he even drops his freakin' gun at THE most crucial moment, and to make matters worse he doesn't even have the best gadget. That honor goes to Scaramanga, who can turn his car into an airplane!

We also learn a shocking, unpleasant truth about Bond. Turns out that 007 can't even hot-wire a car. What a prissy Brit.