Being offensive

So it's the last day of the year.

I have been a fairly rotten blogger in 2013, but I won't promise it'll improve next year, because then I won't disappoint if that doesn't happen, and if it does happen, we'll all be pleasantly surprised.

As is our custom, here on SiMiMoBl, we'll wrap up with a poignant scene from a film.

This one is from the TV movie Holy Flying Circus (2011), written by Tony Roche, where we follow the Monty Python troupe through the controversy surrounding the release of their seminal masterpiece Life of Brian (1979). A most wonderful comedy that takes a sharp knife to the belly of organized religion, and exposes its lunacy and hypocrisy while dancing around on the blood-soaked intestines. Jolly good fun, then.

FADE IN:

INT. MICHAEL PALIN'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Michael Palin (Charles Edwards) and John Cleese (Darren Boyd) are discussing the negative public reactions to Life of Brian, as they're preparing to go on national TV and defend it, against a bishop no less.

JOHN CLEESE

Okay, I'm the bishop.

MICHAEL PALIN

Right.

JOHN CLEESE

Why have you deliberately set out to offend people of faith?

MICHAEL PALIN

Uh, well... Bishop, it wasn't our intention to deliberately offend Christians or to be blasphemous.

JOHN CLEESE

Totally disagree with that.

MICHAEL PALIN

Sorry, is that you in character, or are you talking as you?

JOHN CLEESE

No, I'm talking as me. Talk to Graham about it. Ask him what he thinks. He's not that keen on Christians because they're not that keen on homosexuals.

MICHAEL PALIN

See, I don't think we intended to be offensive, just for the sake of it.

JOHN CLEESE

There's nothing wrong with being offensive. It's part of life! If you get offended, so what?! In a way it's a good thing. It tells you you're still alive at least.

He puts down the tea cup for emphasis.

JOHN CLEESE

Why can't I say things to offend you, hmm? Why can't I say I don't like your hair? Or your wife looks like a man and makes fucking awful soup. What's the worst that could happen?

MRS. PALIN

Hello, John.

Without any warning Mrs. Palin shows up in the doorway to greet John. She does, in fact, look like a man.

JOHN CLEESE

Oh, hello! Sorry, didn't realize you were, uh....

MRS. PALIN

Cup of tea? I can put the kettle on, although I don't think it'll suit me.

JOHN CLEESE

(forced laughter)

Oh! Very good, very good! Oh, well done. Most Amusing. Tres amusant. No, we're fine, thank you. Most kind of you to ask. We're- we're- we're- we're fine.

MRS. PALIN

Sure I can't get you anything? Glass of Cordieal?

(suddenly cold)

Spot of soup?

Mrs. Palin (man) holds John Cleese's gaze in an iron grip. Cleese swallows something, unsure what to do.

JOHN CLEESE

No, we're fine. thank you. Although your soup is always delightful.

Mrs. Palin (man) bows, then gives Cleese one last knowing stare before leaving.

JOHN CLEESE

Right, where was I? Um....

MICHAEL PALIN

Being offensive.

JOHN CLEESE

Being offensive! Yes, thank you.
What is the worst that can happen, hmm? You'll stop talking to me? Heaven forfend!
What will probably happen? You'll be upset for a bit, and forget about it.
What's the best that can happen?

(starting to get worked up)

Maybe you'll think "John's got a point! My wife does look like a man, and her soup does taste fucking awful! Maybe I should leave her."

MICHAEL PALIN

I've been able to keep my marriage together, thanks.

JOHN CLEESE

Oh, well, that's the spirit! Besides, we haven't been offensive, Mike. People just like complaining. The British love complaining. Complaining about the weather, complaining about the government, the fucking darkies, the fucking queers, Noel fucking Edmonds and his Multi-Cunting Swap Shop!
When it comes to the British, you can't please any of the people any of the time. And you know why they like complaining so much?

(almost screaming now)

Maybe it's because deep down, they know there is no fucking God, and it takes their mind off the fact that their lives are a pathetic sham that won't amount to a hill of shitty beans!

A moment of silence as Michael Palin ponders this.

MICHAEL PALIN

You going to be like this on the TV?

JOHN CLEESE

(matter-of-factly)

Yes, I am.

AND SCENE.

I often refer to this as the best Non-Monty Python Monty Python scene. Not only is it funny, but it's got a point too.

As we prepare to enter 2014, in a time where the world, more than ever before, seems to be on the verge of a complete intellectual breakdown, it's worth dwelling on the exchange above. So do that, ponder the words, and let's all try to make sure 2014 is really the Year of the Horse, and not just the Year of the Horse's Ass.

Happy new year!

10 Things Mission Impossible 5 Needs to Get Right

As you'll recall I did an audio commentary with my buddy Dennis Rosenfeld for Mission Impossible (1996) a few months ago. It was an awesome experience. I watched a ton of the old TV episodes, but I also watched the four feature films with Tom Cruise. The second movie is one of my all time favorite action movies, but in terms of making an actual Mission Impossible movie, however, none of the feature films got it right.

And now we're going to get a fifth Mission: Impossible film. Tom Cruise is still the man in charge, and J.J. Abrams is still producing. This concerns me.

Abrams' MI3 got it very wrong indeed. And MI4 got even further away from the core concept of the show. It struck me that these people have no idea what a Mission: Impossible movie is, or should be, so here's a list of 10 things they need to get right to accomplish that mission.

Now, listen up Tom and J.J...

1) It's Mission: Impossible, but don't take it too literally

The "Impossible"-part just refers to the fact that the mission are impossible for regular intelligence agents. It does NOT mean that the missions are over the top, super-human endeavors, where the entire world is at stake. Scale it down, people!

2) There's no I in Mission Impossible

Okay, there's a bunch of I's, but make no mistake: IMF is a team-based organization. We all know Tom Cruise is your golden ticket, but how about casting some big stars as his supporting players, AND give them something to do?

3) Get the style right, just for once

Give us the classic mission-pickup scene, give us the proper team-assembly scene, get the structure right, get the mission right. In short.....

4) Watch the old show

Just watch it dammit! Just watch it! It's pretty damn clever and cool. Do THAT! Don't just make any old generic spy movie. If Ethan Hunt can be substituted for James Bond, discard  your script.

5) No exposition

Part of the cool thing about the old show was that you had to pay attention. Miss a moment, and you miss the plot. That's cool! Don't worry about the average dumb movie-goer, they barely understand anything anyway, you lost them during the toothpaste commercial two hours before the final act. Make a spy movie for grown-up people, and grown-up people will come see it. It's the old "if you built it, they will come" thing.

6) No love story, no family, no friends, no boss

Get rid of all that crap. We don't need it. It's not a part of the Mission: Impossible universe. The mission IS the plot.

7) IMF doesn't have a damn office!

That's all I got. NO OFFICE, dammit. And if you don't get why that's important, you clearly haven't listened to the aforementioned commentary track, so get on that.

8) Drop the humor

No, don't just drop it, obliterate it. Shred it. Disavow it. Self-destruct it. Burn it and forget it ever existed. There's no room for humor in Mission: Impossible. Especially not if it's courtesy of Simon Pegg. In fact, drop Simon Pegg altogether.

9) Get real

We're tired of CGI crap, get back to the origins of the show, cool gadgets, clever cons, no video-game sequences, get it down to earth and keep it real! If you can't shoot it, don't put it in the movie.

10) Don't make a F**KING rogue agent story

Every single one of the four previous Mission: Impossible movies centers around rogue agents. Every. Single. One. It's like Superman losing his powers in very movie, or Enterprise blowing up in every Star Trek story! You just can't do that! You owe os a proper MI movie! Now, get it right, dammit!

FINAL THOUGHTS

Somebody get this to whatever flavor-of-the-month is currently occupying the director's chair on MI5. Get this to Tom Cruise. Get it to J.J. Abrams, because guys.... So far you've been bested by a 47 years old TV show.

The Meaning of Life (1983)

THE BIT BEFORE THE THING

They say "analyzing a joke is like dissecting a frog. No one is that interested, and the frog dies." Luckily, as we embark on an examination of Monty Python's The Meaning of Life, I can say two things up front: There will be no dissecting and the frog is already dead.

Most people are probably familiar with the "gluttony-sketch" from this movie. It's the one where a grotesquely obese man sits down in a restaurant, projectile vomits all over the place and then eats until he bursts. The sketch perfectly encapsulates the problems with the film as a whole: Most scene have one joke. It's crude. There's no cleverness or thought provoking satire behind the madness. And it's overlong.

THE BIT AFTER THE BIT BEFORE THE THING

The original Monty Python TV-series (henceforth called The Show) was a rambling string of barely connected sketches that barely made any sense. Barely. And it is the best TV-series ever created. When Monty Python moved to movies, they became a lot more focused, even though the sketch format to a large extend still defined their work. The Holy Grail (1975) and Life of Brian (1979) both stayed more or less within their designated themes, and they both worked exquisitely.

It's ironic then that despite going back to the nonsense that defined them The Meaning of Life fails both at being focused and rambling. It's something altogether more mundane. Python mundane, but mundane nonetheless.

A big intro song with Terry Gilliam animation promises that the film will discuss the meaning of life. Most sketches do relate in some way to life, but then again that could be said for almost anything in life - that it relates to life, I mean. So, would renaming it "random sketches about life" fix this film? Nope. The problems run deeper.

THE THING (OR THE BIT)

The film opens with The Crimson Permanent Assurance. A 16 minute isolated short, clearly the brainchild of Terry Gilliam. Gilliam often created his own worlds within the Python universe, so it makes sense that he should be allowed to do that here as well.

The short looks absolutely gorgeous. It's cleverly shot, with fantastic production design and impressive (for the time and budget) model work. Unfortunately this is a rather dishonest start. It has virtually nothing to do with the film, except for a brief return of the pirates in the main feature, and yet it suffers from the same problems as the rest of the project: It's one joke. It's too long. And it doesn't say much.

Then the feature presentation begins.

We open with two sketches about "the miracle of birth". First a clumsy doctor sketch, which quickly turns out to be a fairly toothless indictment of the medical system, with doctors being more concerned about financing than helping patients. That's it. Again, there's only one layer here, and it's a fairly predictable one too.

Then we move to Yorkshire for a sketch about a family with about a hundred kids. Cue jokes about Catholics not using condoms, which explodes into an admittedly impressive song and dance number. While the sight of little kids singing "Every Sperm Is Sacred" is delightfully disturbing and destined to produce a chuckle or two, once again, the sketch is too damn long, and it's one joke, with one layer. I could go through the whole film and repeat myself endlessly, because I'm afraid the trend outlined by the first chapter of the film continues.

The Meaning of Life is just not zany enough. It's too obvious. It almost pains me to say so, because when the hell was Monty Python ever predictable? Even when the setup is completely obvious and the punchline is a sitting duck (or sheep), the boys still found ways to surprise. One thing is certain: You could rarely, if ever, see the end of a sketch coming. That's not the case in this film.

Even more disturbingly, The Meaning of Life is nowhere near as clever or as searing as The Show. The Pythons take aim at all the familiar targets - religion, the education system, and the sexual frustrations of the middle and upper class - but they appear to have nothing to say. The result is often crude or just over the top, in an unfunny way. Like the "Live organ donation"-sketch - which is way too bloody and gruesome. Taken out of context some of the moments in that sketch would not read as jokes. And what's with making so many stupid characters American? Since when did Python pick so low-hanging fruit?

Despite the slow pace and the general lack of jokes, a few sequences surprise by being completely joke free. Like the restaurant sketch, where a couple struggles trying to find a conversation subject, or the completely useless "Death visits"-bit near the end. Many of these sequences seem to exists in lieu of Terry Gilliam animated bits, which would normally provide the transition from one sketch to the next, and give us something funny and nonsensical to look at along the way. In The Show these transitions enhanced the sketch format by allowing us to skip the boring bits, jump straight into the good bits, and get out before the joke gets dull, or before we get to the punchline. That last one is particularly useful if there isn't any.

When a sketch was abandoned in The Show it never felt like a cop out. In The Meaning of Life many jokes simply peter out, and it feels almost as if the Pythons lose interest along the way.

Despite this rather harsh critique of the film The Meaning of Life is not completely without familiar Python antics. Like the fact that the film is introduced by some talking fish in an aquarium at a restaurant, waiting to die, like their friend on a plate nearby. Or the break in the middle of the film called "the middle of the film", discussing the fact that we've reached the middle of the film. There's the grotesque sight of a teacher demonstrating the act of intercourse in front of a room full of kids, and a war sketch, where a group of soldiers desperately try to celebrate the birthday of their commanding officer before the final raid, which is as close to the old magic as the film gets.

Sadly these few scattered moments of funny, only serve to put the shortcomings of the rest of the endeavor into sharp focus.

THE BIT AFTER THE THING (AKA THE FINAL THING, OR POST-BIT)

I find myself in a peculiar situation: I love Monty Python and everything they do, but I can't stand The Meaning of Life. It's just not funny to me. I almost wish it didn't exist.

The Meaning of Life is a sad swan song for the Pythons. When Graham Chapman died in 1989 - the inconsiderate bastard! - he single-handedly ruined the chance of a proper reunion, but that's okay, he was always the weak link and who likes bloody gays anyway? (<---joke) But that's beside the point. We'll always have the old shows, we'll always have the other films. And every time there's a partial reunion of the troupe we're reminded of the wonder that is Monty Python. And that is all we need.

She Shoulda Been A Contender, Part III

INT. CINEMA - MIDDLE OF THE THIRD ROW - AFTER TEA TIME

It's been a few years since I wrote the previous segments of this blog-series, focusing on hot actresses who should have had bigger careers, so I figured it was time to pick it up again. And even though there's a depressing element to this, we're still dealing with hot babes, and that's always fun!

So, remember to check out Part I and Part II, and without further delay, we're on to the next batch:

CUT TO:

Claire Forlani

There's a certain classy look to Claire Forlani. She projects an air of royal entitlement, and it amazes me she hasn't parleyed that into a career. She came up through the ranks via Kevin Smith's Mallrats (1995) - instantly giving her geek cred, but then she landed Meet Joe Black (1998) and suddenly she was too good for the rest of us.

Regrettably, Meet Joe Black turned out to be a dud. A dreadfully dull, overblown, brick of a movie, and despite the fact that Forlani was perfectly cast in it, it never made her leading lady material.

I suspect that the truth is simply that she really IS a bitch to work with, and that her superior attitude is not just an act. She walked off Deep Rising (1998) due to "creative differences" and she publicly trashed Mallrats. She was lined up to be a regular on CSI: NY (2004-2013), but that didn't last either. It adds up, doesn't it?

High point: The Rock (1996).
Low point: The Medallion (2003).
Should have been in: Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005), or other post-90's Angelina Jolie action vehicles.

Jennifer Grey

With movies like Red Dawn (1984), The Cotton Club (1984) and Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986), Grey was already pretty well-established as a star on the rising, and then came Dirty Dancing (1987). Few actors ever get to experience a career defining moment like that - unfortunately Grey didn't do much with hers. First there was an awful car crash (Wiki it to know more), and a few years later Grey had a rhinoplasty that rendered her virtually unrecognizable to fans, friends, family, and more importantly, casting agents. And just like that her career and her awfully cute face was gone.

Grey managed to keep working, sort of, but she never did anything anybody heard of again. In 2010 she won the 11th season of Dancing with the Stars, but still didn't manage to turn the tide. Too bad. I wouldn't have minded seeing Baby grown into a seasoned actress in the spotlight.

High point: Dirty Dancing.
Low point: The nose.
Should have been in: The Breakfast Club (1985), more John Hughes movies, Pretty Woman (1990) - no, the other female role - and about a million other things.

Minnie Driver

The second part of the 90's were very good to Minnie Driver. A hilarious bit part in GoldenEye (1995), a heartfelt indie performance in Big Night (1996), she did a big budget classic Sleepers (1996), impossibly cool indie darling Grosse Pointe Blank (1997), modern Oscar movie Good Will Hunting (1997), and loud big budget Hollywood trash Hard Rain (1998).

Driver was set to be a star. She could do it all, but she ended up doing nothing. Oh, she worked, she even delivered the goods now and then, but she had no hits, no Minnie Driver vehicles, nothing that anyone would want to remember, and isn't she almost forgotten by now? She's still beautiful, she's still talented, but she's 43 now, and I know it's terribly unfair, but time is running out. If she wants to get back on the marquee, she need to get into gear now.

High point: Grosse Point Blank.
Low point: My guess, sight unseen, delivering the voice for the animated series Revisioned: Tomb Raider (2007).
Should have been in: Speed (1994). Or something funny, something quirky. I like her best when she's a little nuts.

Candy Clark

It takes quite a woman to make a believable ex-wife/wife for Rob Scheider, especially at the peak of his leading man manliness in Blue Thunder (1983) - tanned like his life depended on it and with a million dollar experimental machine between his legs - but Clark did it! Of course she got her big break 10 years earlier in American Graffiti (1973), where she also seemed like she could handle more than the average girl could, but between those two movies, she wasn't up to much. She wasn't up to much after 1983 either, to be honest.

Every time I watch Blue Thunder I keep thinking, why didn't she do a kick ass adventure movie? Something where she plays a resourceful reporter, or possibly a role that lets her drive a tank. Then I saw her in Radioland Murders (1994), and I finally had to admit to myself that it wasn't going to happen. She looked like an old woman.

And just in case you weren't convinced that it's all over, here's a line from her Wikipedia profile: "She attended many hot rod shows, and enjoys gardening, collecting antiques, and trading memorabilia on eBay"....

High point: American Graffiti.
Low point: Radioland Murders.
Should have been in: Give it a thought before you object, but what about her, doing an alternate take on the Marion character from Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)?

Lacey Chabert

As little Claudia Salinger on Party of Five (1994-2000) Lacey Chabert was not only adorable, she was actually a good actress, and she consistently delivered heartbreaking moments week and week. Along the way she managed to squeeze in a promising turn in the barely watchable Lost in Space (1998), and she seemed like she would definitely be able to transition to the big screen at some point.

Then she grew up. She REALLY grew up. She didn't just become a SMOKING HOT BABELICIOUS woman, she became distractingly beautiful. So much so that she lost her acting street cred. Now she's languishing in instantly forgettable direct-to-video productions and lots of cheap TV movies. And I had such high hopes for you, kiddo.

Still, it's not over yet. She really needs to do a down and dirty Oscar role - like Charlize Theron did with Monster (2003). Doesn't look like she's going in that direction, but boy, I wish she did.

High point: Part of Five (or Lost in Space. But you said it was barely watchable! Did I? yes, it says so above! Oh well, maybe I should watch it again to be sure? Noooo!)
Low point: That movie on cable last night, something about a woman in peril, because something from her past did something, and then.... I fell asleep.
Should have been in: Dirty Dancing! No wait, she was 5.... Well, a Dirty Dancing remake then! Made in the year 2000, and set in the Latino community, she could pass for Spanish, right? And then instead of dirty dancing, which I assume all Spanish kids are dancing anyway, the story would focus on classy ballroom dancing! yes! This is an awesome idea, somebody write this down!

Molly Ringwald

One of the truly great mysteries of the universe, is how Molly Ringwald never became a movie star. Or maybe not. Looking through her IMDb bio - and I don't know how many of these are true - the number of iconic projects she rejected or was rejected for is mind-boggling. Laura Dern's part in Blue Velvet (1986), Lea Thompson's role in Some Kind of Wonderful (1987), Vicki Vale in Tim Burton's Batman (1989), Demi Moore's part in Ghost (1990), and Julia Roberts' part in Pretty Woman (1990). Well of course you can't get a bloody film career going by NOT doing these films.

Ringwald started her career with three of the best teen movies ever made - Sixteen Candles (1984), The Breakfast Club (1985), and Pretty in Pink (1986) - but then she made a career defining mistake by turing down Some Kind of Wonderful (1987). John Hughes didn't want to have anything to do with her after that, but even so, others should have picked up on her obvious talents. They didn't. She kept working, but no one ever wrote her a script that was even remotely as good as the Hughes stuff.

High point: Sixteen Candles.
Low point: Getting very naked in Malicious (1995). How does playing an innocent whore in Pretty Woman sound now?
Should have been in: Some Kind of Wonderful. Or Scream (1996).

CUT TO:

FINAL THOUGHTS

Unfortunately Hollywood is all too eager to provide a never ending stream of failed careers for our amusement or eternal bitterness.

The silver lining is that these days, with a blossoming independent industry and countless TV-channels producing quality entertainment, there are more opportunities than ever before for a career resurgence.

It's never truly over until it's truly over.

The Last Man on Earth Visual Companion

So, I've just recorded another audio commentary with my buddy Dennis Rosenfeld, this time for the movie The Last Man on Earth (1964), based on the novel I Am Legend, by Richard Matheson,

On this track we compare three different adaptations of the novel:

• The Last Man on Earth (1964)
• The Omega Man (1971)
• I Am Legend (2007)

So I figured it would be fun to compare a few elements across all three films.

Before you get to that, you need to listen to our commentary first, of course. Go here to get it.

The Last Man

The Apartment

Generator setup

The Lab

The Car

The Empty City

The Creatures

The Girl

WRAP-UP

And there you have it.

Watch the movies, listen to the commentary, and marvel at the differences and the similarities.