Bottom 10 of 2023

Before we begin this little journey through my worst film experiences from 2023, an important message from the board.

Public service announcement from the board

Please note the following changes to The Rules:
From this point on movies where one story is split into two (or more) parts will be ineligible for any "end of the year" or "best of" lists until all the parts have been released.
Furthermore, the board also recommends that these films be deemed ineligible for any type of awards, at any point, regardless of when their parts are released. No Oscars, no People's Choice awards. Nothing.
Please make sure these rules are implemented as soon as possible.

Wow, these people are serious, they don't mess around!

So just to be clear, this rule change affects the following films from 2023....

Rebel Moon: A Child of Fire - Part One (2023)
Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023)
Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One (2023)
Fast X (2023)
(And perhaps others?)

Dodged a bullet there, Zack Snyder!

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS

Before we get to the list, here is a few movies that almost made the cut.

Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023)
Evil Dead Rise (2023)
Killers of the Flower Moon (2023)

Avoid at all cost. Except the book behind Killers of the Flower Moon, definitely read that.

And so, with no further ado, here is the list...

THE LIST

10) The Killer (2023)

David Fincher is as sharp as ever, as he turns a dreadfully dull comic book into a dreadfully dull movie. The uninteresting lead is captured to perfection. The uninspired plot hits every beat of its printed predecessor. The world of the live action version as cold and uncomplicated as its inked counterpart. When Fincher fails he does it more beautifully than any other director. But it's still a fail.

9) Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (2023)

I won't deny that there are moments in this ostensible last Indiana Jones movie, where I felt that old Indy magic from the first 3 films, but most of the time this was just a crushing disappointment. The characters are badly written, the plot is cumbersome and unimaginative, and the whole film looks CGI fake.

8) Heart of Stone (2023)

Another large scale misfire from Netflix. Another movie about an all-powerful tech-thingy that can destroy the world. Another movie to cast doubt on the actual star-quality of Gal Gadot. This film belongs to an especially annoying category of bad films. Too big to ignore, not bad enough to be funny. Soulless, Witless. Pointless.

7) Ghosted (2023)

I could see this idea work in the right hands, but those hands sure don't belong to director Dexter Fletcher. Chris Evans is miscast as the hapless hopeless romantic who falls for Ana de Armas's super badass secret agent. He can't sell being a bumbling fool. She can sell being interested in him. The plot surrounding the two characters needs work - yeah, another world destroying "thingy" is at play - and there's a tone-deaf, stalkerish, incel vibe over certain aspects of the story.

6) Cocaine Bear (2023)

The Snakes on a Plane of the Tik-Tok set (and let's remember that film was shit too). This might have worked better as a 10 minute SNL segment, it sure doesn't work as a feature film. The real story of that bear and that mountain of cocaine is depressing and short (Spoiler: Bear died), so the filmmakers really needed to come up with a solid foundation to expand the story from a punchline to an actual film. They didn't. They didn't have much beyond the title.

5) Everything Everywhere All at Once (2023)

I hate everything about this film, except its success. I'm so happy a crazy film like this could all but sweep the Oscars. So glad so many people found hope and value in this story. So happy Ke Huy Quan got a career revival thanks to this.

However, personally I couldn't stand the film. Hated the story. Hated the characters. Hated the obnoxious style. Hated the running time. I turned off the film after half an hour the first time I tried to watch it. I only gave it a second chance because of the Oscar-hype. If not for that, I never would have made it all the way through.

4) Hypnotic (2023)

Laughably unintelligent attempt from Robert Rodriguez to make a Chris Nolan-like thriller and show he can still entertain grown-ups. He can't. Ben Affleck seems catatonic in the lead. I wish that was just a mean diss, but he genuinely looks like he's medicated and not all there. If he had been fully present, he would have witnessed a director on the bottom of the deep end of the pool, completely outmatched by his own ambitions, unable to fathom how big a fool he's making of himself. Maybe druggie Ben had the right idea after all.

3) The Detective Knight Trilogy

Including: Detective Knight: Rogue (2022), Detective Knight: Redemption (2022), Detective Knight: Independence (2023)

I watched The Detective Knight Trilogy knowing it was going to be my farewell to Bruce Willis. I had already seen quiet a few of his direct-to-video projects so I was prepared for the budget and skill level at play. I was not prepared for the devastating sight of a mentally impaired man, barely comprehending where he is, unable to speak more that a few coherent words, being forced through three whole feature films, by producers who just wanted to squeeze that last dollars out of the ailing action star. It's nothing short of shameful. At least we'll always have all the great films Bruce made.

2) Expend4bles (2023)

I mean, the third film was already pretty bad, but they took a 9 year break before they made this 4th film of the Expendables franchise, surely that gave them enough time to come up with something good? Nope. The story is terrible and barely functioning. The emotional stakes are non-existing. And everything looks CGI fake. Extra penalty points for attempting to make 50 Cent act and for completely wasting the talented and charming Levy Tran.

1) The Exorcist: Believer (2023)

Renny Harlin is laughing in his grave. Oh, I'm sorry, he's still alive, it's was his career that died. Anyway, up to this point he had made the worst movie of The Exorcist franchise. Not so any more. Step up David Gordon Green!

The story is trivial and dull. The threat is unconvincing and the scares absent. Worst of all, though, this film seem to have been made by people who have never seen an exorcist film before, nor done any research into the concept. it's nothing short of baffling how little work in this film, or makes any kind of sense. The characters are idiots and so is everyone behind the camera. The only smart one is William Friedkin, who died before he had a chance to see this unholy creation.

WRAP-UP

Phew that was a rough one, right? Well, not to worry, the best is yet to come. As in, we're doing the Top 10 movies of 2023 next.